#jester rat

Perfect, that was the worst place to start. You’d rather shovel horse manure all day at the royal stables. You remembered how much of a mess it was last night. The knights and nobles were spilling wine and food on the floor. With anybody not realizing it, some guests were making love under the tables. Those damn nobles with their purchased whores. How did the King allow it? Oh yes, he was too drunk on spiced wine to even care.

You cringed at the thought of the mess you had to clean up from the lovers. Hopefully, they had the decency to take their used lambskin condoms with them.

“What about our breakfast?” An older woman asked in the far back of the quarters. She stood on top of her bed with her arms on her hips. Her grey hair was covering her face.

Gabrielle’s face softened. She sighs and tucked some of her curly honey blonde hair behind her ear.

“Steal some food from the kitchen.” She suggested with a wink. “Hurry before the kitchen staff stirs.”

All the maids in the room, including you, hurried to fix their beds and get dressed. You were the first to escape the bed chambers with your bucket. A random servant was sleeping shirtless on the floor. You leaped over him, noticing a sleeping hen on top of his bed. He must’ve had a wild night.

You remembered the honey-glazed bread and large pieces of ham from last night. Pray be there were still some leftovers. You snuck into the kitchen and found a serving platter of your favorite food on a wooden table. A half-naked chef slept underneath.

Quietly, you dumped the food into your bucket and hurried out of the kitchen before the other maids had a chance to steal a meal. You giggled as you heard a man yelling and females screaming. Looks like one of the chefs has caught your maid companions.

*~*~*~*

The floors were much more terrible than you imagined. There was splattered food, spilled wine, mud, and…bloodstains? You don’t remember any battles occurring in the dining hall. No matter, you had to clean it all up. Good thing you had a belly full of food to keep you energized.

You kneeled to the stone floor and started scrubbing. Your nose flared as the foul stench of vomit hit your senses. Immediately, you shot up from the floor, covering your nose.

“By the heavens!” You gasped. You had to take a moment before resuming cleanup.

Why were you the only one assigned to the grand dining hall? Did Gabrielle expect you to split into 10 people and get it all done by sunset? You hoped to God more servants will arrive soon to offer aid.

A pair of marching troops dashed through the dining hall. You glared at them as they made more of a mess of the floor with their muddied boots.

“How did he lose it?” One guard asked the other. “I swear I saw him sleeping with it.”

“No clue.” The other guard replied. “If we don’t find his scepter before the end of the day, he’ll have all of your heads!”

The guards glanced at you before they disappeared from the hall.

The scepter? The King’s scepter? Missing? Who had the courage to steal it?

You scrubbed the floor harder as more guards passed through the dining hall.

“Watch the wet floor!” You warned one of them. They only sneered at you and moved on. You cursed under your breath and soaked your rag in the bucket. You earnestly hoped Gabrielle will send more maids your way soon.

“Need a hand, m’lady?”

You looked up, eyes brightened with hope, only to meet a familiar jester looking down at you with a mischievous grin. The sight of the heavily face-painted man  made you fly backward, knocking over your only bucket of water.

“Jamison!” You yelped.

Jamison, the royal jester, laughed. He performed a little dance around you, sticking out his tongue. The bells attached to his wild blue hair jingled.

“I remember seeing you ‘round these parts last night.” He spoke. “Couldn’t keep me eyes off of you.”

You stood up, blushing, smoothing your soiled dress. You remembered serving the King’s guests while Jamison was busily humoring the King. Every moment the King laughed, Jamison turned to you, making sure you were watching him. You tried hard to stay focused that night.

“What do you want?” You asked. Jamison cackled.

“I got a gift for you.”

Jamison reached into his pants. You gasped and turned around.

“Jamison, this is no time for saucy jokes!”

“My dear, just look at this big beauty.”

You peeked behind your fingers.

“Jamison,” You gulped. The jester had the golden, jewel-encrusted scepter belonging to the King.

“You like?” Jamison wondered, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Take it back!” You ordered.

“Why?”

“The King will execute you if he catches you with it. You know how he is about his royal possessions, whether it be his countless mistresses or the crown!”

“Please,” Jamison scoffed. “The King and I are good friends. He wouldn’t kill me. What do you think he does with this thing? Turn his enemies into frogs? Stick it up his—”

Jamison pretended like he was going to insert the bejeweled end of the scepter into his bottom. You snorted with laughter. Jamison’s face lightened up.

“That’s want I wanted to see.”

You stared at him, puzzled. “What?”

A thunder of footsteps was approaching the dining hall.

“The guards!” You squeaked.

Jamison quickly stuffed the scepter into his pants. You didn’t know how he was doing it without anybody seeing his noticeable bugle.

“Maid,” A guard approached you; two more stood behind him. “The King is missing his royal scepter. Have you seen it?”

You shook your head quickly. “No, m’lord.”

The guard turned to Jamison. “What about you, jester?”

Jamison only grinned. “Not since last night, my friend.”

The guard glanced between the two of you long and hard. You coughed, and the guard stepped closer to you.

“Where were you last night?” He asked.

You swallowed nervously. Beads of sweat began to form on your forehead. In your mind, you only wished the guard would go away so you can resume cleaning and chat with Jamison.

“I was serving guests.” You answered.

“You haven’t seen anything suspicious?”

Jamison stepped behind the guards and pulled out the scepter. He twirled it around their hands like it was nothing. You tried hard not t to let laughter escape from you.

“N-no,” Your voice quaked.

Jamison placed the scepter at his crotch, pretending he was about to impale the guardsmen’s behinds with it. You covered your mouth and disguised your laughs with a horrendous bout of coughs. The guardsmen stepped back.

“Dear Lord, do you have the plague?” One frightened guard asked.

Jamison finally stuffed the scepter back into his pants.

“No, my lord.” You replied with a sweet smile. “All is well.”

A frantic guard rushed into the dining hall, sword out and ready for battle.

“We found the thief!” The prepared guard panted. “He’s trying to escape the premises with one of the king’s stolen horses!”

The other guards pulled out their swords.

“Alert the archers!” The lead guard ordered. “We can’t let him escape!”

You and Jamison waited for the guardsmen to leave before bursting out into fits of giggles. You playfully smacked Jamison’s exposed torso with your cleaning rag.

“How dare you attempt to make me laugh in front of the royal guard?” You spouted. “You and your vulgar phallus tricks!”

Jamison sat on the steps in front of the King’s dining table. He pulled out the scepter again, tossing it between his hands.

“But I did make you smile,” Jamison recalled with a toothy grin. “That’s what I wanted.”

You rolled your eyes and picked up your empty bucket.

“I better fetch more water.” You murmured.

“Hold it!” Jamison stopped you in your tracks. He flipped you around to face him. You forgot how freakishly tall he was up close compared to your small stature.

“Promise me you’ll share your lovely smile with me.” Jamison continued. He pressed the scepter against the side of your face, making circles with the tip caressing your face. “And only for me. Understood?”

Blood rushed to your cheeks again.

“U-understood.” You shivered at the scepter’s cold touch.

“Good!”

Jamison threw the scepter into the air, did a stunning triple backflip, and caught the staff before it hit the ground. You dropped your bucket and applauded him. Jamison bowed.

“Thank you, my sweet.” Jamison placed the scepter back into his pants. “Better return the king’s funny stick before he sets this entire kingdom on fire!”

Jamison blew a kiss at you and skipped out of the dining hall, giggling. You stood in place with a silly smile on your face until you could no longer hear Jamison’s jingling bells. Finally, it was time to get back to work before Gabrielle catches you slacking off.

Thanks to that jester, your entire day was already made.