#jessvka

People always ask the question: do people control their destiny or is there some form of higher power that controls everything? Through personal experience, throughout the course of 5 years I've learned- the only thing in life we control is what we get out of experiences that the universe puts us through. Personally I'm very lucky, I've never suffered. The only things that have affected my life negatively are situations I put myself through. Now, I take full responsibility for all the experiences in my life- last summer (2015) I went through a short horrible relationship with a guy and for weeks or months after it ended, I blamed him for ruining my life and who I was as a person. I told myself and my friends that he ruined me. Eventually I realized how wrong I was and accepted an apology I never received from him, it was me, just me and my fault. I'm the one who chose to be so deeply affected what he did. Theres a line in a song that goes something like "if you know you have to let go and you don't did it really hurt you?" when we get hurt it only gets better from there you can only move forward literally- time doesn't stop for anyone not even you or me (crazy right) this is the only September 9th, 2016 we're ever going to get. Eventually we get over everything- time heals. New memories replace old memories and we move on and everyone knows it. The most famous quote ever is "it gets better" so why hold on to a grudge if you know you're eventually going to let go?       In my 7th through around 9th/10th grade I went through a really hard emotional state and I'm not sure of the causes, I just really didn't like who I was physically and my home life wasn't what I thought was normal and I didn't have many people to openly talk about my feelings because I myself didn't even know how to express it. So it wasn't one thing that led me to it, it was just kind of a "when it rains, it pours" affect. I felt out of place constantly with everyone everywhere, I felt like I was not of this Earth- like I was born at the wrong place or the wrong time. My life felt meaningless and I know it seems young to feel that way but just even thinking about it right now is so vivid, I know it wasn't just some little thing that happened to me because it really changed my life and it's hard for me to openly talk about it sometimes because who I am right now is so different than who I was at that time. I felt resentment against the world, all my thoughts were negative. All everyone ever wants to feel is that they're good enough and I didn't feel that. I got sickly here and there because of whatever was happening to me- I don't want to label it as depression because that word just seems too harsh and I don't like labels and I hate when people feel bad for me. What I mean by I got sickly is there would be weeks I would only chew gum and drink water and not sleep for days. I'd have real anxiety attacks and forget how to breathe. I would put myself in circumstances that I know I would get hurt in and just wouldn't care. I mean that emotionally and physically- I did things that hurt my body and I was in relationships with people that I knew didn't really care about me, not just romantic relationships even friendships. I remember waking up one morning and thinking, I don't want to feel this way anymore. My mom told me to start living for Jessyka. I learned that happiness and sadness is a personal choice. Through church and learning about spirituality I went through a week period of complete euphoria. I was just so thankful and appreciative of what I had, I even cried a couple times just because I woke up. Remembering this still gets me emotional.       Think about every bad thing you've done even white lies. There's so many universal wrongs we've all committed but I still wake up with clothes on my back and a roof on my head and change in my pockets and thats really enough to be happy about. The grace of the highest power thinks I deserve everything I have and even deserve love from him/her/it. I read somewhere about introspection- self analyzing and treating. I told myself in the mirror everyday (true story) "I love you so much, you are so cute" and eventually it stuck. I am obsessed with me now! People don't like me because I'm "cocky" "conceited" "narcissistic" and I truly do not care because for YEARS I would've rather been dead but now I thank God every single day for everything ever and I think I look good. Self love is the best love believe me. I'm so blessed to have learned it at such a young age. When you're constantly happy and positive you attract better things.       I used to look for love so hard I was rushing to grow up but I didn't even love myself yet, once I started falling in love with Jessyka- I found someone really special and I hope he stays around for a long long time. I didn't have a solid group of friends until 10th grade and I'm still friends with them to this day and I would kill for them. My home life was restored about a year ago. Be grateful for what you have really, every single thing about this life is so wonderful and amazing- it brings tears to my eyes the love I have for life now. I'm glad I went through whatever this was because it turned me into the happiest person to live I swear. Take good from everything because thats all you can do and there is really good in everything. Positive attracts positive.