#jensenangst

You know that gut feeling you get some times. That feeling that tells you ‘This is going to end so badly’. I should have listened, I should have done something else, we should have stayed at the hotel just a day longer. Just a day longer and I wouldn’t be sitting in this damn hospital room.

Looking at Y/n with tubes and wires connecting her. She shouldn’t be laying in a bed in a cold room, stuck in her own mind. She should be laughing and curled up against my side while we watch a movie. Neither one of us should be here.  

How many times have I said that drunk drivers shouldn’t be allowed to even own a car? How times have I told Y/n to be safe as she drives to work, or just down to the supermarket. This is why I tell her to be safe, but you see the problem with this is I was the one driving.  

You see I’m not the one hurt, she is. How in the hell am I the one breathing on my own, sitting her with only a few cuts and bruises? I don’t understand how I came out unscathed, but Y/n is hooked up to machines and wires deep in a coma.  

We had been up in the mountains for our fifth anniversary. A way to get away from everything. It was the best way to spend it. We had a cabin to ourself. No waking up at six in the morning, or having to hastily kiss each other in the morning light before we both had to drive off to work. It was the most blissful I’ve been in a while.  

Y/n said that we needed to get back home. Said we had to leave yesterday; I couldn't understand the rush to leave so early. We had enough time for when we got back and we’d go straight back into work. No need to worry about being clung to each other. Not wanting to leave each other warm embrace in the morning.  

She countered that with saying that she would like to sleep in her own bed or at least a full night before rushing back into work. How’d she like to get comfortable with being home after our two-week vacation in the mountains. I guess I understood now after she explained. I watched her pack her things, and dance around the room.

I watched as she shined like the brightest star in the sky, even during the day. Now though I watched as she laid still in a hospital gown. Eyes closed. Breathing still normal. All I can do is watch her, I’m not a doctor, I can’t help.  

This not being able to help is killing me. I picked at my nails as I listened to dings and bells happen outside the room. I just hope she wakes up. That’s all I can do is hope right?  

Minutes turn into hours turn into days, and into weeks.  

I can’t leave her here, and go home I’d feel horrible. So, I rent a room and visit her every day the nurses know my name now. And they let me stay past the visitor's time. Every day I come in and talk to her, talking to her is the only thing I can do. I talk to her about everything.

The tariff to the hospital, what’s been going on with ‘supernatural’, how much I miss her voice, and her bright filled with life eyes. I break every time I walk in, seeing her motionless body besides her chest moving up and down due to the machine.  

“Y/n please, can you wake up for me?” I ask her everyday as I rub my thumbs against her knuckles. I get nothing in response. “Y/n I miss you so much. I don’t know what to do anymore. You’ve been like this for weeks now.” I say as I bring her hand up to my lips to kiss her knuckles.  

“I don’t want you to go, not yet. I want to live a long, amazing life with you. You can’t leave me, not just yet.” I say a stray tear falling down my cheek. I get up and walk around her room, I turn the little TV on a low volume, but still the little bit of time that I do pay attention to the TV. It gives me peace of mind.

I know that sounds bad, but it gives me a sort of peaceful feeling. I know that I can sit with her and watch TV. I hope to god that she can hear me, I hope to god that she can hear me laugh and hear me talk to her.  

I left the hospital room after the sun was deep behind the horizon. I drove for a few hours riding around the town that has now become my half way home. Please wake up. Just please wake up Y/n. That’s all I can keep thinking about. Her waking up, that’s all I want.  

Days go by and I repeat the same process over again. I see her in the morning and stay for god known how long. I talk with her and we watch TV, and I leave when the sun is far gone from the sky. I’m trying to grab a rhythm here.  

I trying to hold on to anything.  

I sleep through the night for the first time in a while. But I’m awaken by my phone dinging. Groggily waking up and answering. “Hello?” I say trying to figure out what’s going on. I look over at the clock on the side table.  

“Yes, this is Mr. Ackles correct?” The women ask in what seems like a rush. “Yes, that’s me. What’s this calls for its three in the morning right now.” I answer back. “Sir, Mrs. Ackles... Is awake sir.” She speaks. In the few moments of silence my heart breaks, reforms, shatters, my breathing becomes ragged, and then everything stops at once, when the rest of her sentence comes through my ears and into my brain.  

“She... How long? Can I come now? Is she going to be, okay?” I asked in a rush now, understanding the rush of the first words that the women spoke to me. “Sir, you can come now yes, please. She’s asking for you.” “I’ll be there in ten minutes.” I said and clicked the call off.  

She asking for me. I need to call Jared. Wait no I ‘ll call him after I see Y/n/ Y/n asking for me. She’s talking. She’s awake. Y/ns awake.  

I quickly grab a pair of sweats and slip my shoes on grabbing my keys and phone along with my jacket. I slip into my car and drive off to the hospital. I’m there within eight minutes beating the time I told the nurse that called.  

The ride on the elevator is slow, painful slow. The need to see Y/n boiling over the top of me as the doors open and I can see the ICU floor. I just slowly waked through the unit, and to her door.

You’d think that I’d be more excited knowing that she’s okay, and awake. But I’m scared that it isn’t real and she isn’t awake. That would be a cruel game that my mind could play on me.  

I slide the glass door back, I can hear her voice, I can hear her giggle. I think... no I know that’s her laugh. I slowly walk through the thresh hold of her room. I take a deep breath and I start to want to cry. She’s laying up in the bed, no tubes to be seen, she’s got her color back in her face.  

Y/n looks over and pulls her arms out reaching for a hug. I stand for a minute. “Baby you going to come over here and give me a hug?” she says. I smile and walk over to her, I grab at her hands first looking down at them, noticing her ring that’s still on her finger. I looked down at her, still smiling so much that my cheeks are starting to hurt.  

“Hi.” I say as I hug her. “Hey cowboy, I still hurt a little, but hi back.” Y/n says. God it’s like nothing ever happens. She’s still her sassy self, she still smells like peaches and crème. Y/n is really here in my arms. “I miss you, Y/n.” I said keeping her in my grasp.  

“I know, I heard you. I miss you too.” She says back. I release her and grab a chair to sit close with her. Instead, she grabs onto to my hand. “Sit up here with me, please.” Y/n says and how can I say no to her. So, I slip my shoes off, only know remembering that I’m in my sweats and whatever else I grabbed.  

I settle next to her, my arm going under her head, and her head falls gracefully into my chest. God how much I missed doing this with her. “I think I could use another vacation again. What do you say?” She says looking up at me.  

I smile again and laugh. “I could sure you a more minutes of just this with you.” I speak.