#jelizard

Three boys are playing hide and seek. Their names are Trouble, Manners and Shutup (I know! Just go with it). A quick game of paper scissors stone settles who’s in to start and then Manners and Shutup make themselves scarce whilst Trouble grudgingly starts to count to fifty. He had called out best of three before he lost no matter what the other two said.

Shut-up and Manners come across one of Shutup’s favourite hiding spots, and before Shutup is any wiser Manners is scrambling up into the dense foliage of the Maple. Shutup knows he has little time to spare now so he goes for the next best thing; a rubbish bin that’s been left out on the pavement. It’s one of the only ones left out on the street since collection was gone half a week ago, but Shutup is hoping this is because the owners have forgotten to wheel it back in and not that they’ve gone on holiday and have left it out early!! Fingers crossed Shutup opens the bin and hops in letting the lid fall shut over his head. Only it doesn’t close. He looks up and there are fingers holding the bin open. Which, that’s cheating because Trouble can’t have counted to fifty and had time to make it around the block could he?

The hand flicks the lid open revealing a man dressed in navy uniform, cap and all looking down on Shutup. He is far from impressed with Shutup’s hiding spot, which is slightly insulting since Shutup is the best person at Hide and Seek he knows.

“Get out of there kid,” his voice sounds annoyed. Shutup is annoyed that he’s now going to lose to Trouble, of all people!

He puts on his Sunday best face dimpled cheeks and wide innocent eyes, “I was just looking for something I’d misplaced, officer! Honestly didn’t mean to fall all the way in,” Shutup lets out an embarrassed laugh.

It’s not that he thought his excuse would work but the coppers face doesn’t even minutely change. He obviously saw Shutup climb in.

Shutup resigns himself to being dragged to his parents for a stern talking to. (His face never works on them. And now not with the officer… Maybe he’s losing his touch?)

And if that isn’t a terrifying enough thought the next words that come out of the cops mouth are:

“What’s your name boy?”

Shutup hates this question with a burning passion. But he doesn’t let any of that leak into his voice or face as he responds truthfully:

“Shutup”.

The officers face screws up even more as he knew it would, “What did you just say to me?!”

If ever there was a time steam could actually come out of someone’s ears it would be now. I mean the guys face is turning purple for godsake!

“Tell me your name this instant!”

“Shutup”

Ok the face isn’t changing anymore, but that might be even scarier especially since his voice comes out calmer now: “Where are your manners boy?”

“Manners went and hid up a tree, sir.” Shutup gives him a small smile.

There we go, full on violet now. “Are you looking for trouble?”

“No, Trouble is looking for me!” He’s ready for the grab, neatly sidestepping and then legging it away from the officer and away from where Trouble was counting and probably having a laugh with Manners about this whole mess. Why oh why did he and Manners decide to rig the Paper Scissor Rock match??

And that's the end, friend!

After a while, crocodile. (2)

Better shake, rattlesnake. (10)

Better skadoodle, poodle. (11)

Better swish, jellyfish. (7)

Brush your teeth, Keith!

Bye-bye, butterfly. (12)

Bye-bye, French fry!

Conserve it to preserve it.

Chop chop, lollipop.

Ciao for now, brown cow. (8)

Crisscross applesauce.

Don’t be silly, wrap your willy.

Don't panic, flight mechanic.

Easy-peasy lemon squeezy!

Finders keepers; losers weepers.

Good-bye, house fly.

Good night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite. Alright?

Gotta go, buffalo! (5)

Gotta run, skeleton. (9)

How now, brown cow.

If you wish to live and thrive, let a spider run alive.

In an hour, sunflower. (3)

In it to win it.

It’s raining, it’s pouring. The old man is snoring. He went to bed, And bumped his head, And couldn't get up in the morning.

Keep it in the tub, Bub.

Know what I mean, Jellybean? 

Later tater!

Learn as you earn. = sixth year

Liar liar, pants on fire, nose as long as a telephone wire! (”Your trousers are alight”)

Maybe two, kangaroo. (4)

No way, José.

Ok, croquet.

Okey dokey, artichokey.

Out the door, dinosaur.

Que te pasa, calabasa?

Rain, rain, go away, Come again another day. 

Rise and shine, porcupine. /hedgehod ;)

Rope is thicker but string is quicker.

See you later, alligator. (1)

See you later, calculator! (legit said this to lent maths device)

See you soon, baboon. (6)

See you soon you big baboon.

Shuffle your feet, lose your seat.

Snug as a bug in a rug with a mug!

So long, King Kong.

Star light, Star bright, First star I've seen tonight I wish I may, I wish I might, Have the wish I wish tonight. 

Take care, teddy bear.

Tie your shoe, kangaroo!

Toodle-loo, kangaroo.

Uh oh, spaghetti-o!

Use it or lose it.

Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey.

Wakey wakey, hands off snakey.

What do you know daddy-o?

What’s cookin’ good lookin’?

What's shakin', bacon?

What's the deal banana peal?

What's the deal, Batmobile?

What's the plan, Stan?

What's the story, morning glory?

What's the word, hummingbird?

What’s up, buttercup?

What’s up, rubber duck?

Why so glum, Chum?

Why so sad, Chad?

You booze, you lose.

It ended with one of those conversations. The ones where you tell them how a bunch of their little things have added up and the sum is that you no longer want to be with them. They don’t believe you, so you say far more hurtful things. But their resolve is almost admirable ?, yet another facet of their person you will miss. It hurts but you push on. They deny every statement you come up with and you’re grasping now. “I think I might be gay” gets laughed at, which, that’s a little insulting. You have one card left, but you really don’t want to play it. It won’t be true. It could never be true (’but you’re only thirteen!’ you tell yourself as you promised you would whenever you even thought about them, exclamation point included.)

“I don’t love you”. It shocks them, that was the intention but what you see in their face is also realisation, and no, no, NO. You do love them, please don’t believe me. You didn't believe a quarter of the stuff that just came out of my mouth when half of it was actually true. I was annoyed by the way you squeezed the toothpaste in the middle. I would have liked it if my soul mate detested dogs as much as I. But it was also nice to have a protector against those fiendish canines, and those little quirks are all part of why I loved you. Are, present tense. Please don’t leave me. But you keep your face stoic, you won’t cry, you never do. They look at you and you feel your heart break in perfect reflection of theirs. You see the tears form and you yearn to wipe them away. To take back everything, to do anything just to make them not sad once more.

“I never loved you either.” And they turn and go.

You didn't understand how they could take you at your word when you blatantly lied, but your whole world shatters with those five words.