#jeeptime

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...it was Uncle Jeep Time.

The carriage was carrying precious cargo that evening as it crested bandits notch.  The horses whinnying under the added weight of Uncle Jeep Tim & his associates.  He had been on the road many days & many nights, moonlighting in small villages, hamlets, and roadside inns, like a ship at sea with many ports of call, but with no intention of reaching any sort of destination.

A man without a purpose, he had come unglued, looking for some meaning in an otherwise meaningless life.  Drowning his sorrows in whiskey and poorly outfitted rooms, how long was he to drift about the countryside with no direction?  Why was this what his life had become?

The beating of horse hooves rapidly approaching the carriage broke him from his loathsome reverie.  “WHAT SAY YOU, DON’T COME ANOTHER METER CLOSER, I OUGHT TO  BLAST YOUR CAP OFF WITH MY BLUNDERBUSS” Uncle Jeep Tim Screamed from atop the carriage bench.  Finger on the trigger, itching for some excitement in his life, he half-hoped it was a bandit.

“Tis but a courier” crowed one of Uncle Jeep Tim’s colleagues from within the cabin.  He had a better vantage point as he peered round the back with lantern glinting off the dusky trail behind them.  

“INNIT A LITTLE LATE FOR A COURIER OUT HERE” Bellowed Uncle Jeep Tim half choking on his own saliva.  The courier had dismounted his horse and was cautiously approaching with his hands up and outstretched with letter clearly visible.  

The courier was covered head to toe in mud & his horse was half-spent from being pushed to the breaking point.  Whatever was in this letter must have been of the utmost importance.  Someone was willing to risk a perfectly good courier & an even better horse to ensure this message was delivered post-haste.

Uncle Jeep Tim climbed down from atop the carriage, and brusquely snatched the letter from the couriers trembling hand.  Owing to the pint of bourbon he had consumed since their last stop and acting without tact he gnashed the letter open with his teeth.  

The mangled letter held in Uncle Jeep Tim’s filthy hands read “Recalled To Life”.

For you see even in the most tumultuous tempest, there is the briefest respite from the storm, and the captain must make a decision that will either sink the ship or right it and stay the course.  

In this case Uncle Jeep Tim was needed, whether he knew his purpose or not, so long as the world continues to turn there will be a need for him. 

This weeks article will be brought to you by my Father.  He suffers from Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s disease.  As he gets older, he calls me more frequently.  So much so that there is no way I can answer the phone every single time he calls.  As annoying as this is, I know that he is probably not aware that he has dialed me numerous times already that day.  I’m not seeking sympathy, my father was never really “with it” to begin with.  We are probably closer & have a better relationship now then we ever did.

The gold that has come of this is with modern technology, google takes it upon itself to translate his words into text, so that I can read what he has left me for a voicemail rather than listen to the 1 to 3 minute long voicemails that he leaves EVERY SINGLE TIME.  I would assume he forgets he is leaving a voicemail and just carries on a dialogue without any need for response.

Without further ado I give you.  My father, speech to text.

Hello, Cuckoo Clock, Missouri.  I just wanted to see a call and see how much more snow that we’ve got the new have.  Yeah Slow baby inches.  Easy and start snowing around midnight and then stopped today.  So that’s about it.  So what are you going to do?  Are you going to get the LED out of your ass?  A what? These kids man.  Hes only yeah.  I don’t think I dont think I wont Chevron though.  I don’t think I’ll pass that.  So anyway, you are. give me a give me a call or I’ll give you a call back and I’ll see how much work is done so far.  Yeah.  Okay I’m sorry.  I love you.  You know, I’m just joking.  Yeah we’ll see you in the funny papers.

Hey Josh, It’s Tiffany again.  I just tried calling you, but before lunch time.  This is showing everybody there.  You’re nice. parrot No, it’s really beautiful.  Yeah, I’ll try getting ahold of you.  It runs that down or whatever or something after supper be better.

Hey Josh.  How you doing tonight?  dinner tonight Yeah.  OK Google Martian he was the president call me back.  anyway But you go.  

Is this your father?  Try to get ahold of you last night some strange reason it wouldn’t go through.  Anyways.  Nice Day.  Nice to meet you soon.  Nice to me one more number.  No, they’ve been.  See a few more Winx.  I don’t know. The weather Channel what this but I’ll go from there.

Hey Josh.  Yeah, it’s just me Daddy.  Oh, yeah, all I can tell you this just Detroit he trying to get a hold of me there.  Yes yesterday before I got a hold of him.  

Hey Josh, it’s just me.  I don’t know what the scoop is a despairing out serve breakfast and and it’s your on your own.  Thank you know that your York Resume you’re taking the wild manager go to the weather.  I don’t blame you.  Don’t blame you at all.  So you get a chance or just me a for supper tonight.  I’ll driving in the hold of you.  and go from there.  So no one can do right?

Hey Josh, it’s Rob.  I was just giving you a call.  I have a Time.  Maybe you’re not at home.  So should be pretty exciting.  You talk to you in a bit.   Not home left a message.

Yes Joe, talk with you later.

Hey Josh.  It’s your dad.  Yeah, I had a spare moment there.  So. Figured Id give you a quick give you a call.  And around Lunch time.  Yeah, 2012.  Yeah, we’ve meal.  Facebook thanks for change for the better.  glass glass for 5 days.  Yeah.  So give me a call when you either.  I’ll either call you.  Give me a call sometime.  Okay. and What you want to the fat?  You know what I mean?  Yeah. So you A little bit to hear from you and Lord knows what we’ll do.  

Ohhh remember Reagan?  I havent do that I tried one time so ASCO Cheryl.  She’ll have to wait.  Yeah you don’t have to. Well Who you calling?  I don’t even know the number.

What’s the Snow? I see you’re not.  I still come over this damn phone better your mother was left over.  Yep, earlier today.  and that’s what this thing and Roman Quinn said goodbye to McDonald’s. Anyway it was a nice day.  A chance to to her I’m going to find out if your time. Going to get this the same people who say they have to have all your furniture.  You don’t have it is not available van so call Geico.  Find them tomorrow if it’s raining.  boy isn’t for Daniel a Doula. 

When most people have an experience they dwell on it for some time, really get into their mental thought realm and extract a take-away message.  “Reflect” is the word people use.  I don’t have that luxury, to dwell on something is to forget it.  I have to force the process and try to extract meaning immediately.  My memory is not like a book where you can flip to a certain page and relive a certain experience.  For the most part it’s more like broad abstract brush strokes that really give a feeling or an impression.  I get impressions and feelings about long reaching portions of my life.  When asked to provide examples of something that made me happy or upset, I’m hard pressed to provide a single specific example.  

I could write things down in little notebooks, that I would almost certainly lose.  My handwriting is atrocious so it would be a good protection against people reading my personal thoughts or journals.  However, I have this problem where when i’m writing with a pen I use the force of a thousand suns on the insolent paper and my hand cramps up almost immediately.  Pencils don’t stand a chance as the graphite just shoots off the paper within seconds.  So I’m relegated to this medium.  To put my blog up on a website that I don’t even use, other than to post my blog.  I’m almost positive that none of my friends use this website other than the few who use it solely to view my blog.  So whats the point?  

Uncle Jeep Tim is more than just a blog on an obscure website, he’s a friend, he’s someone you can learn from; whether it be from his failed experiences or maybe some insight that you garner from his meandering rants.  Uncle Jeep Tim is an open book, a look inside a tome of almost no importance.  In a world with ever increasing obscurity in media don’t you want to say you were in on the ground floor of what is sure to be a cult hit, read in the deepest subterranean vaults of the bunker dwelling future.  

Recently I resumed working from home, and I am back with the company I left about a year and a half ago.  I decided that playing with mouse shit and crawling around in attics and basements really wasn’t what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.  We went to Texas for our yearly summit.  The theme of the meetings was “Transparency” and another underlying theme was “the only constant in life is change” and I can get behind those from a business standpoint and a personal one as well.

Now I’m going to make an unpopular statement and then substantiate it.  I work for a company that is truly different, and is truly unique.  There are a million companies out there who think they are re-inventing the wheel, and synergizing, and breaking status quo’s, perhaps even shifting paradigms.  No, my company is different because they are truly trying to enhance their employees lives, and to create an open and positive work environment.  Every company thinks they are filled with zany fuckers who really know how to let loose at happy hour.  Maybe they are, but have you ever taken a shot with your entire company?  Meditated with everyone in your office in the same day that you pulled out raggae airhorns over a microphone during karaoke night.  I made and solidified more friendships in 5 days than I have in the last 5 years.  I was also treated to the most tantalizing of all human offerings, Respect.  

Now normally I would scoff at the prospect of meditating, especially when surrounded by my coworkers.  I would roll my eyes when I heard we were having a work ceremony that takes hours and honors literally every single person I work with.  I definitely wouldn’t want to go out to the bar with the CEO, or play Cards against humanity while he tries to take calls next to me.  However, those were all things I did this last week.  I’ve never been so enthralled, to be a part of an experience in which every person is treated equally and with respect.  

No exaggeration, I’ve had a different job for every year of my life (possibly more as long as you are allowed to count returning to the same job).  I was able to admit this to my boss without fear of repercussion, and to explain that I felt differently about this job and have never been so confident in a decision as I now feel regarding my return.  Am I going to work here until I die or retire?  That is hard to say, as the only constant in life is change, but what I do know is that the friendships and the bonds I have formed are much more likely to stand the test of time.  

I hope you all enjoyed reading this week.  Hopefully it was a refreshing reprieve from the weird bullshit that will most certainly return next time.

WHATS UP WITH THE CATS THIS WEEK?  I’M SHIFTING PARADIGMS.

CePHaLoPoDS MF”ER

Dogs are STILL DOPE THOUGH

BUT WHATS really hot and trending right now is #birds that look twice divorced.

Uncle Jeep Tim OUT

As I attempt to write the introductory lines my dog paws relentlessly at the base of my chair.  He fusses and whines, briefly holding his paw only placates him for a second. How dare I forsake him for the digital realm?  With a dramatic flair he grumbles and gets up to leave the room casting a goofy wounded look over his shoulder back at me.

Now that I can actually focus, I set to work on a real world-class rant that I’ve been stewing on.

JUST STOP

On this weeks The Walking Dead, Rick finds the knife in his back pocket, it was him that was the killer all along.  Has he been driven to the edge?  Cast your vote online, or just dead yourself on the app.  Make sure to submit your zombie selfie in triplicate to facebook, instagram, tumblr, reddit, twitter, and walker web.  Watch the new web series starring Rick, maybe, but like in a different timeline.  Or just catch the spin-off Fear the Walking but then they all meet because of course they fucking do.   *Recommended reading prior to discussion of the show is 8000 graphic novels.

Tune in next to the newly uploaded Star Wars movie on Netflix, or just go on Facebook and check out every single person you’ve ever met posing out front of the theater before watching Star Wars, wearing their Star Wars apparel.

I’ve only watched a couple of the movies and I am exhausted with hearing about the characters and their backstories.  

I’m sorry I just gotta say it I can’t get behind the whole Star Wars thing, I honestly just won’t even try, you all like it too much and it saps all the joy out of it for me.  I’m a huge Sci-Fi nerd and typically Sci-Fi has been relegated to the seedier side of the book store, tucked away by basement stairs, or abandoned entirely.  

This whole article should be called “Unpopular Opinions with Uncle Jeep Tim” because it doesn’t end there.  Do not take personal offense just because I don’t like your Star War.   I pretty much don’t like anything and am a bitter old husk hiding out in the shell of a young man.  Here is a brief list that I feel should just stop.

Football

Talking about sports in public (especially to me).

Harry Potter

Lord of the Rings

Super-Hero Movies (yes, all of them)

Eminem

Adult Swim

Anything that has gone past season 4 in the last few years.

the president 

bitcoin (I’m guilty of this one)  

Me 

My dog when he cries at me constantly

Anyone who is still really into Sublime

Rivers Cuomo 

Assigning political values to things that are not political in nature - on this note I will resume the rant.  

I was listening to MPBN the other day and they were talking about a new Sponge Bob Musical that is going to Broadway or something, I really wasn’t paying it that much mind because it already sounds like something that just needs to stop.  The Schmuck they were interviewing whether he was a writer, director, or just a light rigger, took the NPR political question bait.  Soon he is ranting on the political elements of the musical and how spongebob in his pineapple is a direct reflection of the current state of affairs.  If anyone ever needed to stop it was this guy. 

Missed one.

Sorry to be such a downer, but Uncle Jeep Tim calls em like he sees em. 

I also realize I am a huge walking contradiction, I will now provide examples.

My affinity for Sci-Fi and hatred of almost all popular sci-fi and fantasy.  

My love for pickles and pickled things, and my hatred of vinegar.

The fact that I view myself as a reader but watch far more TV than I read.

When one pictures an avid reader they may picture someone highly focused licking the tip of their finger before turning to the next page.  I used to lick my fingers to give them the moistness needed to gain some traction on the dog poop bags to open them.  This always felt as disgusting as it feels to read written out.   Even though these were clean bags and I had yet to pick up any poop just the fact that my tongue was being used in conjunction with dog poop was enough to make me stop that.  I am however in a state of constant dehydration so instead of licking my fingers I just breathe over my fingers which usually gives them the grip necessary to open the poop bag.  

The message here is that although I view myself as an intellectual with refined tastes, I’m more likely to be picking up a poop than turning a page.  Wait, wait, wait, that’s a terrible message.  

Here are some things I AM ACTUALLY INTERESTED IN.

YES

MORE

BOW DOWN BEFORE YOUR NEW COW OVERLORDS

I’m really fun at parties though, I swear.

eh, what the hell, let’s get a little festive.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Bumpin’ Kwanzaa

https://soundcloud.com/donwill/sets/trap-kwanzaa-carols

2018 will be better for everyone I swear, Happy New Year my friends.

Everything sort of goes black and fuzzy in your brain as you unleash on the turkey.  For the second time in mere minutes you are covered head to toe in giblets and gore.

Your patience has paid off : 

Your perseverance does not go unnoticed.  You are the faithful few, the fledglings of my flock.  

Fledgling Definition :  A young bird that has just fledged.  

So spread your wings and fly, my avid avian admirers.  For we will soon be embarking on a different flight path.  Circumventing the choppy airspace that tumblr occupies on the world-wide-web. 

I was going to make the jump to the new format today, but there are still some bugs to be worked out (like how I make jeeptime.com a reality).

Let’s just pretend I did that thing I just said : 

Ruminations & Alienation - This is called a title.  Yep, probably going to start titling each article.  I was thinking of calling it Rumination & Alliteration, but I don’t want everyone thinking I’m an asshole.  Also alienation is a topic I was going to discuss, whereas alliteration is just something I do for fun.  

I once read somewhere that an article should stick to it’s title as if it was the topic of discussion.  I can do that, I totally won’t get derailed at any point. 

So I been Ruminatin’ on times gone by, getting old, and my general place in this world.  I get to feelin’ introspective about once a week now that I hit the big 3-0, usually right before I take my nap.  It’s tiring trying to think of one’s place in this world. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, we are a generation of arrested development; we don’t want to grow up because we simply don’t know how to.

I’ve sort of inadvertently grown up, trust me when I say it was unintentional.  I fell into a career, got engaged, and am on my way to being a home-owner.  Meanwhile this all happened in between rounds of Rocket League & Call of Duty.  It’s as if I was actively attempting to remain in adolescence while the pressures of the world turned me into a functioning adult.  Just like an irritant inside an oyster eventually produces a beautiful pearl, all the irritants of daily life have turned me into a beautiful, adult?  I’m sure that oyster had no intention of producing a pearl, just I had no intention of ever growing the hell up.  

Now onto the part where I bring up the second word in my title.  The especially difficult part of chiseling out a niche in existence when you constantly feel like you don’t belong.  I’ve always found it difficult to converse with most people because I just don’t have any common interests.  I see most people interacting with one-another and it sounds something like this : 

Person #1 - Did you see sports game last night?  Incomprehensible gibberish for about 8 minutes straight.

Person # 2 - You sure are correct about all those words you just said, stats stats stats, more incomprehensible gibberish. 

Person # 3 - (Laughing wholeheartedly) I totally understood those words you just said.  Let’s drink a beer together and talk about the specifics of each man’s performance.

I feel like every single person I run into has a wealth of knowledge pertaining to things I find no interest in.  Even when we start to hit on a topic that I have knowledge in, I’m always given the sideways glance like, “why is this fucker with no sports knowledge trying to converse with us”?  Whereas most people have established a common bond, I’m still in that preliminary stage with every person I meet trying not to alienate myself further.  

I have friends, and good conversations, it’s just sometimes they are few and far between.  It wasn’t always like this.  When I was young and stupid, I was oozing with charisma, and when you’re stupid and charismatic people will listen to you.  Now I’ve acquired a healthy dose of self-doubt that accompanies adulthood.  I went from wanting to be the center of attention, to wanting to pass by unnoticed.  It’s probably payback from being an asshole when I was younger.  

I want to back up for a second, this all sounds pretty negative, and I don’t want to alienate more people with my petty problems.  To be perfectly honest, I’m really quite happy with where I have ended up.  It was unexpected in many ways, but it’s been a fine journey just the same.  I think the takeaway I have from existing is this : 

Sports Suck

Fantasy Movies Suck

Star Wars - Don’t care

Star Trek - Don’t Care

Lord of the Rings - Boring

Harry Potter - More like Harry Twatter.

Twitter? More like Twatter.

Hippies are annoying.

Anyone who thinks a sunset is spiritual is annoying. (see also hippies)

Dogs are awesome.

If I could punch words/phrases in the face, assuming words had faces, I would punch the following words/phrases right in their stupid faces(in no particular order).

Organic, free-range, fair-trade, draft-pick, hipster, ironic, irony, fandom, furry, vaping, auras, social-networking, media-anything (saavy, conscious, guru, etc...), social media, sexting, twerking, beard-culture, lumbersexual, noshave november, beard products, mustache, really anything pertaining to facial hair culture, when can I stop doing this?  Tween, millenial, The good ole days, Trump, buzzfeed, buzzworthy, bilateral union.  

Well shit, there’s your first off-topic tirade.  Welcome to the new, not new, almost there, format.

DOG PICTURES!!!!!!!!!!

That’s notta otta!

And a reminder of why this article is not about cats.

That’s all, bye now.