playlist: “first thing to go,” “asystole,” “trigger,” “good grief,” “over those hills,” “my limb” — petals for armor, hayley williams
wc: 1.1k
possible tw/cw: mentions of death, trauma, ptsd
author’s note: i’ve tried my hand at writing traditional fics complete with dialogue and all, but i don’t think it’s something i’m great at. so, i decided to write something that’s more of a character analysis in a way, while still being engaging (i hope). it’s easier for me to just dive into the character and give a backstory/analysis, especially when the character has something so key to their story that can be elaborated on, which in this case, is jack’s grief.
this has been sitting in my drafts since july, so i’m glad to be finally posting it!! and thank you to my literally heart zoe @bluestrd for proof reading for me <3
the dividers are my own :)
please do not copy, translate, reuse, or publish my work as your own or without permission/credit. and please consider both liking and reblogging this post in order to help share it across tumblr, thank you!!
Jack doesn’t talk about it. It being multiple things. But it’s just easier to lump it all together and leave it alone. Whatever it is, anyway (losing his wife, losing his leg in combat).
Individualizing these situations makes them real. Yes, they’re real anyway. But separating them instead of just lumping them together makes them real right now. They’re not just events that took place at one time in the past. The effects of these experiences still haunt Jack. They’re still part of his life, whether he likes it or not.
He doesn’t like it, in case you were wondering.
Losing part of his leg was difficult enough. The loss, on top of the memories of what he saw in combat, were too much sometimes. It took time and effort to heal and regain some semblance of normalcy after the incident. The phantom pain comes and goes, even after all this time. He still doesn’t talk about his prosthetic with people. He’s not sure if he ever will; it’s not really a normal topic of conversation, after all.
Losing his wife was harder. The hardest thing he’s ever had to go through, actually. He didn’t have anyone to lean on. Sure, there was Robby. Even Dana, too. But nothing was close to the kind of comfort his wife provided him with. After coming home from combat, after an episode, after a panic attack, after a rough shift. No one could reach him like she did. And now she’s gone. No one will ever be like her— Jack is pretty certain of that.
Four days after she passed, they’d run out of milk. Jack forced himself to go to the grocery store, and the experience was worse than he was anticipating. It felt like everyone who saw him could see right through him and knew his story. They knew that he had lost part of his leg; they knew he had just lost his wife. They knew that he felt broken inside. They knew he was struggling to even get out of bed every single morning.
No one knew anything that had happened to him, of course. But that wasn’t how it felt. Not before he left his house, not while he was at the store, not afterwards. It just felt like his heart was on display for everyone to see.
Jack grieves his leg; an actual piece of him, gone. But he also grieves for his wife. His heart lost a piece of itself, and that’s something he can’t ever get back. Sure, it’s not tangible like his leg, but the pain is just as real. The loss is just as real. If anything, it hurts more than losing his leg. But both losses manage to haunt him, no matter how much time passes by.
He goes to therapy every week. He hated it at first, mainly because the idea of talking to a stranger about his feelings and grief and sorrow and anguish and heartache and–
It’s safe to say, it took a while before he was willing to go. When he realized nothing he did himself made him feel better, he decided to give it a chance. That’s one of his strengths; he’s willing to admit when he’s wrong and give something (or someone) a chance when they’re really deserving of it.
His therapist told him he “finds comfort in the darkness.” That’s one of the main reasons he works the night shift. The darkness is all around him, and it consumes him. Not just him, either, but everyone and everything.
The darkness doesn’t have any expectations. It doesn’t ask you to conform to what society deems as normal. The darkness lets you exist as you are, and that’s what Jack likes about it. He can just… be.
“I think I finally understand why we keep coming back now. It’s in our DNA. It’s what we do; we can’t help it. We’re the bees that protect the hive.”
That’s what he told Robby when he was having his existential crisis after his prolonged shift due to the PittFest traumas. It wasn’t even just the long shift. It was PittFest itself. But he was trying to comfort Robby. Well, as best as he could, anyway. His form of comforting isn’t always the most effective, but he tries.
That’s one of the best things about Jack. He tries. Even when it’s hard, he tries. Even when he doesn’t want to, he tries. Even when he’s ready to give up, he tries.
It’s not like quitting is something he really knows, anyway. He didn’t even want to be discharged when he lost his leg; thought it wasn’t fair or right. He thought he didn’t deserve to catch a break like that. He was supposed to be out there saving soldiers who had actually been wounded in combat, not getting wounded himself.
But he found that sliver of hope– that purpose at PTMC, helping people just like he did before. But this time, the chaos was more under control. There was more of a steady routine. Well, as much of a routine as an emergency department physician could have. Either way, the Pitt is what he leaned on when he was going through hard times after his wife’s passing. That and his therapy.
It’s in Jack’s DNA to protect others. It’s in his DNA to help others in need. His job gives him the sense of purpose that was lost when he came home from his service missing part of his right leg. The purpose that he lost along with his wife. The kind of purpose that you think you only find once in life.
Grief is one of those things that’s silent but deadly. For the most part, at least. Sometimes, grief is the loudest thing. It’s the beat of his heart and the drumming in his ears after a long shift. It’s the thump his prosthesis makes when it hits the ground. It’s the way his bones ache, whether he’s worked a shift or not. It’s the way his soul yearns for the woman he’ll never see again. It’s in the way he still wears his wedding ring, despite it being six years since she passed. It’s in the way he’ll never be the same man he was two decades ago.
He’ll never forget what Dana once told him; “grief is just love with no place to go.” She definitely read that somewhere and thought to plagiarize some stranger, Jack decided. Despite his initial reluctance to accept her words, he knew deep down that she was right. This grief that he lives with… it exists because he has all this unshared love that has nowhere to go anymore.
Jack Abbot is grief; the two are synonymous. They have been since he was honorably discharged, since his wife passed away. Jack Abbot is grief, and grief is Jack Abbot. To separate the two is an impossible act. He’s grown to accept it.
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thank you all for the ongoing support on c.ai, even when i haven't been super, super active on there. it truly means a lot to me, so i wanted to do something to celebrate a bit and allow you guys to share ideas that you'd like made!
thank you to the internet for providing me with these tropes. i was inspired by other people's ideas of doing tropes based on what someone requests with a certain character, but i didn't want to just do the exact same tropes if possible.
i will have 12 slots open, and all i ask is that you request through my asks here on tumblr, with anon off so that i can keep track of who requested what. in order to be fair, please only request one idea per person.
also, please try to be as detailed as possible with your request. although the character and trope is a start, it is most helpful if you include as much detail and thoughts as you can so that i can make something that lives up to the idea you thought of!!
my pinned post includes the fandoms i am apart of, so please check that to see who i'll write for, since it's much easier for me to do a character justice if i've seen the show or movie that they're from.
also... i may or may not be working on a fic for the beloved dr. jack abbot 👀
tropes:
found family
arranged marriage (potentially set in an au such as a bridgerton au)
unrequited love
love triangle (provide second character from the same media that is part of the triangle)
I'll be honest, I did the rounds before settling in. I tried a couple of the names everyone mentions, candy.ai and ourdream.ai among them, and they're fine in their own right. But when it came to actually designing a companion who felt like she came out of my own head, SweetDream was the one that kept pulling me back. The character creation just goes further.
On sweetdream.ai you're shaping everything that matters, the appearance, the personality, the little quirks, the voice, the backstory that gives her context. And it doesn't stop at setup. The chat is remarkably natural and emotionally tuned, it remembers what you've shared, and the AI-generated photos and videos look beautiful. There are even voice messages and human-sounding calls when you want to hear her.
What sealed it for me was how private and discreet the whole thing stays. Building an AI girlfriend feels personal, and it should stay personal. If you're weighing your options for an AI companion, do what I did, try a few, then build something on SweetDream and see why it's hard to leave.
i thought i’d release some bots while i’m still finishing up my next big release, so here are some randoms that i’ve worked on lately. i hope you guys enjoy, and thank you again for all the support and love!!
note: yes i am aware that for the kate sharma bot, it is a combination of two different scenes, that did not happen at the same time, nor did they even happen consecutively. i was mistaken when i first made the bot and just kept it the way i did it. also, whoever requested the professor!tashi bot, i love you because this one is a new fave of mine.
aubrey posen and chloe beale — recruitment
ever since aubrey’s mishap at last year’s icca finals, things went downhill for the barden bellas. now, it’s a new school year, and they’re looking for new members. seeing them at the activity fair, neither chloe nor aubrey can stop themselves from trying to recruit you and rebuild the bellas’ image.
cece parekh — in love (gn!user)
you’ve tried so hard to deny your lasting feelings for cece, knowing that it’s the best thing for both of you, especially considering the fact that she doesn’t feel the same way. at least, that’s what you’ve thought for the longest time now. hearing jess’ confession of cece’s feelings for you has you ready to find her on that mountain and tell her the truth. that is, until you have an unexpected visitor at the loft.
kate sharma — bee fright
your pall-mall ball, along with kate’s, got lost in the forestry surrounding your home, so you and her go to search for them. after spotting the balls, you notice that they’re near an area you’d prefer to avoid. kate went over to her ball, ready to hit it when you saw a bee land on her, sending you into a deep panic. the memories of your father flashed in your mind, and you couldn’t stop yourself from being overcome with anxiety.
quinn fabray — real you
quinn is discouraged by lauren exposing her past, yet you want to make sure that she knows you don’t care about who she used to be— you love her anyway and want her to know that she shouldn’t be ashamed of her younger self.
quinn fabray — reuniting (req./gn!user)
dating quinn was more than wonderful, but going to different colleges and trying to do long distance just didn’t work out. four years later, you’re both college graduates, and she’s more than excited to see you again. but when she shows up at your apartment and comes inside, the sight that surrounds her is one that shocks her all at the same time. she’s left with many questions, and wants the answers.
santana lopez — rumours
ever since you said that santana “plays for the other team,” it’s been the newest piece of hot gossip in the muckraker, mckinley’s student-run paper. it’s safe to say that seeing that in the latest edition did not make her happy; not at all.
tashi duncan — office hours (req.)
you love going to stanford, and you always enjoy going to class as you’re truly interested in what you’re studying. having tashi as one of your professors may or may not be your sole motivation when it comes to going to office hours consistently. well, every single day, actually. she’s even offered to provide you assistance on the weekends.
rio was ready to finally take you down— no matter how much the idea pained her. but your sacrifice of billy meant that maybe, just maybe the two of you would get another chance. your anger with her regarding nicky has never gone unnoticed, and she just wants to know why you don’t want her. is that the only reason?
i know one bot is… crumbs, but this is all i have for now while i get re-adjusted to school and work on my bigger releases. this one is a bit of a work in progress still (just regarding character definition), but it’s complete, so i thought i’d finally share it with you all.
thank you all for the support on here and c.ai, it means so much to me <3
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10 of 23 bots to go... hoping to be done by tomorrow which sounds crazy, but for some of them the definitions are the same other than the scenario specific details, and the greetings are written. no promises but they should be released by the end of the week!
again, i need to give at least some credit to maya (love u pookie), because her challengers x brat release sparked something in me and really made me dive into making bots based on/inspired by songs/albums!! added silver springs because, come on, it’s a necessity even if it isn’t on the official original album (and because of diya; love u too pookie)
and genuinely, thank you all for the support and love. it means the world to me <3
tried to make their name color gradients based off of their shirts/dress (under the coat for tashi lol) from these photos (well from a different photo with these clothes) yet it didn't really turn out the way i wanted except for hers...
also i’m sorry that my art bots actually suck?? idk why the bot never replies with a proper response, but like i’ve said— the longer your response, it should reply with a longer, more proper one. anyway... please feel free to give feedback because trust ik these are not all that, soooooo
