a friend of my little brother is assembling a zine about trans joy and he sent me the submission info but he sent it to me with like three days advance warning which is NOT enough heads up and also I'm quite busy right now. so no dice on a submission. but now I'm thinking about trans things so here's just some thoughts.
tl;dr being nonbinary is great even in all its complications and I've had top surgery and I love it (and, unrelated, if anyone seeing this ever has questions about that surgery experience feel free to hmu and I'm happy to answer)
sometimes I think about my queerness, specifically my gender for the point of this post, as a little tent, just a little bigger than I am. I'm in the tent in the middle of the woods. the world is out there all around me, but I'm not in it. I'm in my tent. my tent is in the world, yes, but I am in my tent. does this make sense? this little space is mine and I am in it and nothing else.
in a lot of ways I've had a very atypical journey of self-discovery re: being queer. I've always had that tent somewhere nearby, somewhere I could find it again. and I've always known that I belonged in it even when circumstances or people took me out of it. it never occurred to me until I was nearly an adult that other people might think my tent shouldn't or didn't even exist, and I've always known, more instinctively than with my head, that there was nothing wrong with any of that.
not to say the journey hasn't been difficult at times, since we live in a society and sometimes it's very loud out there in the woods outside my tent. my relationship with womanhood in particular is still a little fraught and probably always will be, especially if the world at large never gets around to dismantling the gender binary. but I've been lucky/invested enough in surrounding myself with people who understand it/accept it/know it, which has had the effect of creating a really safe space for me to put my tent and happily live in it without judgement or stress from my chosen people. 10/10, I recommend this very strongly.
in other news, it's been a little over three years since I got top surgery, which is just wild!! I think one of the first indicators that this was a very serious thing that I wanted to look into doing something about (though I didn't know it at the time) was being a teenager in the bathroom, about to shower, and...doing this...specific pose. turning away from the mirror and simultaneously grabbing hold of my tits and pushing them up and away until they were basically out of view...gone. it always gave me a little zing of recognition. a there you are. and then my brain would remember how object permanence works and the feeling would go away and I'd get in the shower and move on with my day. but without fail, always that little jolt. hey! there I am!!
these days I can't replicate that feeling, of course. it feels more and more like I've always been this way, and that's its own comfort and its own delight. but I still get hit every once in a while with just a smack of thrill and happiness and relief that I've had my top surgery, and I hope that never goes away.
my body holds me and I hold my body. it's me and I'm it, and it's not me because I'm more than it. I chose this and I/we followed through. I'm not sure how much of these feelings are related to gender, but I can tell you that I never used to feel this way and that I'm happy I do now.
there are things that can't be taken away from us. physical changes, yes, pretty permanent. but also. I've put all this thought into myself, into who I am. I know the shape of my tent (at least within reason; I've got better things to do than interrogate it to within an inch of its life) and of myself. that's not going anywhere. neither am I, at the core of me. even if it's buried, it'll still be there.
I'm asexual, aromantic, and agender/nonbinary/trans. I'm myself and I'm good with that.
happy Pride (and @staff, stop deleting trans women's blogs).
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today is my version of Friday (weekend is Fri-Sat) and I feel like I'm rolling down a very steep hill so you're getting posts about it.
I was tricked (largely by my own wishful thinking) into thinking there were donuts in the break room. very sad to be wrong about that one. semi-relatedly I only have two coworkers who I would really deem annoying but MAN are they annoying and I sit directly next to one of them and we keep the same hours. rip
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trying frankly really hard to keep it together man. I got a nice five-day weekend coming up starting Thursday so it's all right to make it til then, except I'm working 2 hours after work descaling a door (idek but the money is good even though the weather decidedly is not) tomorrow and Wednesday. I found another job in my field to apply to deadline 5/23. I have an appointment on Friday, I'm meeting up with my sibs to paint the garage as a Father's Day/birthday present for my dad on Monday, we're trying to catch feral cats in our yard and the free TNR clinic is all the way down past my workplace (30 minutes one way in good traffic)?? I got errands to run I got cleaning to do this was supposed to be a STAYCATION. I'll be able to catch up on my z's and it's obviously still more leisure time than I'd be getting if I were at work for the duration but when in all this do I get to lie around eating grapes. (Saturday I guess?) I'm running on fumes and behind on dishes and cooking and applying so many little stopgaps and tricks to get myself just a little farther along and it's all just tits up!!! Thursday is about six years away!!!!!
ugh.
having dinner will fix me at least part of the way and I just remembered I have a whole loaf(?) of focaccia that I want to toast and slather in parmesan garlic sauce and just eat like that, plus probs a salad, so at least I don't have to put in anything for that. but I'm very tired on at least four different levels.
thank you for coming to my TEDTalk I'm gonna sort out that focaccia and do a round of dishes and set the cat traps and then just go the fuck to sleep. unless I get distracted trying to, idk, do literally anything else.
finished reading Watership Down for the first time yesterday. hoo! hoo!! I think if I had found it as a kid it would have been quite formative, which matches pretty well with the general opinion as far as I can tell. as it is it's far from a new rotisserie chicken but I think it's fair to say it's slotted itself into my brain in a very satisfying way.
next up is Taylor Jenkins Reid's Atmosphere, which I heard about for the first time only a few days ago. the only thing I know about it is that it involves lesbians and space from the perspective of Ground Control. Project Hail Mary is another thing that hasn't quite reached rotisserie status but has nonetheless been much with me since I saw the movie about a week and a half ago now (I've also read the book but it's been a couple of years), and the blurb makes it seem like it will appeal to me on the grounds of similar setting/approach to the plot? we shall see.
