#jaystfu

I have a discord, skype, I’m going to have a dA again soon… but Idk….

I guess after the shit that happened with my former friend Gothic/Sky, Im just not okay, even after it being around two years. This stuff just sticks with ya I guess.

She was never a good friend, and just using me for her own emotional stability. and completely disregarding my feeling and how it affected me the way she was just taking over my life.

Every single time I has stopped messaging for even 5 minutes she’d get all irritated at me, and if I said I didn’t want to do something she’d push and push until I caved. I guess it was easier to live on the whim of someone else, but not healthy. I became a stone wall or something and didn’t take time for myself and my own emotional needs. Before I had met her I wore my heart on my sleeve and was happy with who I was at that time, or at least the most I could be being a pubescent teenager at the time.

I spent a good four years knowing her. and I honestly can’t remember most of it, it is like a blur.

And now I am moving on in life, searching for a job, getting driving lessons and giving myself a good amount of time to get help (aka therapist). But I still can’t shake off what a few years with her, who most wouldn’t even consider that bad of a person, off. I shut people out. I know. I don’t talk, I don’t interact for days on end, I’m in my house half the time just not really doing anything and feeling hopelessly lost.

I know I have depression. I know I have anxiety.

And many people I know would say that I have a better life than most, so I should be so down, but it isn’t that easy… I want to curl up and have a breakdown even after a simple phone call for fucks sake. I’ve overheard people talking about me and how I don’t even know what ‘real life’ is like and how that they have gone through far more hardships than me. (all this mainly from my family who are “supposed” to be supportive)

But they don’t know what goes on in my head or the absolute blankness that is often in there. I don’t like thinking about things so I try not to think at all and that makes them see me a lazy, good for nothing waste of space. my brother is constantly saying “get a job ya bum” and I’ve tried countless times to get him to stop saying that because it hurts, it really fucking hurts…