#jaymifangirl

As 2019 arrives, I hope it brings peace, joy, and above all, gentleness.

Perhaps we’re all stuck in a rock tumbler. I’ve felt like the world has been - thrashed. Thrashed is a good word for it. Thrown, scrubbed raw, scraped, abrasive, sloughed.

But, this means polished, smooth, soft, shining. Polished stones, of all different colors, shapes, and sparkling sizes are still treasures. No matter how different they are from each other.

I guilt trip myself so, so easily.

Reading for pleasure? Painting more flowers or pretty things in my sketchbook because I want to?

Playing Sims, Stardew Valley, and Animal Crossing because they’re fun?

Resting, watching kids movies and animated films because they bring me comfort?

It’s unheard of. I can’t do it without the voices in the back of my head screaming at me. “You’re wasting your time”. “You have chores”. “You’re being lazy”. “This isn’t productive.”

“This isn’t a valuable or productive use of my energy right now, and if I can focus on this - I can put that basket of laundry away.”

No. Actually, no! I’m learning that this is a form of self hate. And these voices in my head are not my own, but learned and collected from growing up under a lot of pressure to set aside pleasure and fun and rest for productivity and success and things that are “valuable” and “important”.

I value rest. I value fun. I value spending time enjoying myself. And it doesn’t take away from the fact that I am a hard worker. I am driven. I am determined to be successful, through being happy. My success isn’t going to look like the “traditional” model and the version of the dream we’ve all been fed. I can never fit into that box and I don’t think I’d want it if i could. It’s too narrow minded.

So Yes, Animal Crossing is very important. Because if I’ve stopped and let myself sit for a while and do nothing but collect shells and water flowers? It means I’ve allowed myself to enjoy something. To rest. I’ve allowed myself to drop the never ending pressure to “Make Something” of myself. I am me. I don’t need to make myself any more than that. Next step, do so without all the internalized shame.

From now on, I refuse to accept that self hatred and the harmful cycle of guilt every time my time could be “better” spent elsewhere. Time enjoyed is never wasted. I’m having fun. Why does that anger everyone so much? Why, every time, do others feel the need to look down upon it? What about me taking care of and enjoying myself is so against the rules? Why is it worse when I do it without shame?

I’ve figured out what works for me. I worked hard up front to allow myself time to take a break. I’d appreciate if it wasn’t treated like a waste - and instead - respected for the self-care it is. Not just for me, but like - can we extend that to everyone??? Please???

So, this year has been extra hard for me and my family. My chronic illness has been kicking my ass and we lost my grandmother. Literally, this spring break I wasn’t sure I was gonna get out of the hospital in time for her funeral. I did, and thank God have been relatively, tentatively stable. Being away at uni has been my shelter from everything going on back home. Home is actually only 3hrs away by car, but that is just enough distance that I could largely focus on my own health, my schoolwork, and my friends and nothing else needed to matter. My friends and family are my everything. Grandma was, well a source of strain on my family. She was controlling and manipulative, and had a mean streak. She was as stubborn as everyone else in my family. “We’re vikings, we have stubbornness issues.”- HTTYD. She wasn’t my favorite person. She wasn’t her children’s favorite person. Yet, she has always been there. She was such an integral part of our lives and...now I go home tomorrow, and will no longer have my safety net of distance from my wonderful, strong, crazy, over worked and stretched thin, grieving family. I’m gonna finally be forced to process it all. Full in the face. Will it be good for me? Yes. Does it scare the ever living shit out of me? Of course it does.