#authorgeek

I really don’t think Russia was prepared for this. Is it awful? Absolutely. But we’ve seen the Ukrainian citizens rise so incredibly, beautifully, tragically, and admirably to the occasion, as well as global allies come to their aid. These are just a few examples of the things I’ve read amidst the chaos:

They have assistance from France, who is seizing Russian assets.

American Liquor stores aren’t importing Russia made Vodka (a bigger deal than it sounds on paper).

Switzerland has broken a 500yr global neutrality to freeze Russian assets.

Ukrainian citizens tore apart a tank piece by piece while it was halted due to fuel shortages.

A chemistry professor told her Ukrainian students their homework was to make Molotov cocktails.

Able bodied young men are fleeing both countries to avoid being drafted, as they don’t wish to fight.

And this last point has been especially weighing heavily on my heart. No one - on either side - wants this. Russian citizens are ashamed at their government, but of course, can’t express this under risk of treason. The troops have been sent to starve and abandon their convoys on the Ukrainian streets, as Russia’s assets are inaccessible. Ukrainian citizens are facing horrific violence at the hands of men who, I do not believe, ever signed up for this. To that end, shame on the ones who did.

Personally, I really don’t want to hear any Anti-Russian rhetoric that isn’t Putin centered, especially from Americans. I stand with Ukraine, but be aware the family cooking Russian food for their restaurant or painting nesting dolls aren’t hurting anyone, and are likely as horrified as the rest of us. Miss me with the xenophobia, please.

Now, at risk of jinxing it by saying such things aloud, I see the potential of a small blessing in disguise. The silver lining of an ugly, ugly grey cloud.

I sincerely hope in 2024, Trump’s involvement with Putin specifically keeps him from reelection. I hope at election day, America can be protected from like violence, and senselessness. I hope we make the connection that having Trump back in office when he runs again is a terrifyingly dangerous possibility. As far as I am concerned this is Putin’s war (again, I have an admittedly narrowed POV here), and I hope he fails miserably. Trump’s proximity to him scares me as much as any of the rest of this. I can only hope when the time comes we put two and two together.

I am a disabled woman and I come from a long line of disabled family members. I’ve watched our pain be dismissed, and our diagnoses disregarded. I’ve heard my sister grow up being called the R slur and being asked about my physical appearance - “Are you short enough to be a M#dg#t (and yes, that’s a slur too)?” - much of my childhood. I’ve seen first hand how ableism dehumanizes us, especially when we cannot work/hold jobs, and commodifies us when we can. I’ve seen how America denies its most vulnerable healthcare (this includes the scariest buzzword of them all, abortion - because if we actually cared for the health of our women and children the need for abortion in the first place would drop right along with the number of unplanned pregnancies).

I am also a student who has grown up under the threat of gun violence in our schools. I’ve been through countless threat events and drills in preparation for an active shooter. (I thank God and consider myself lucky every time it crosses my mind that I’ve never personally been in an active shooter situation.) I am afraid of unattended cans/bottles/packages, loud noises, and public spaces because of the trauma this overhanging threat placed upon me and my peers as we grew inside of it. I’ve seen first hand how student voices are ignored and silenced by those in power.

I have black friends and loved ones. I try my very best as a white woman not to speak over them, but to amplify their voices, listen to, stand with, and defend them. I care more about black lives than city property, or profit. I also, as an infertile woman, love adoption and may one day raise a child of a different race and ethnicity than myself. I want to do so, prepared In love and knowledge of what that child’s experience will be like as a BIPOC or AAPI child in America. It is dangerous to pretend “their” problems do or should not impact me simply because I’m a white woman. There is no “them”. only “us” and I have the unique ability as white to act like it by following their lead, and I intend to fiercely.

I’ve found a community like no other among my LGBTQIA+ siblings. I have friends with They/Them pronouns. I use She/Hers but the found family and friendships I’ve made are deeper and more cherished than I will ever be able to express. The warmth and acceptance granted me, of questioning, and of exploration are so meaningful and I wouldn’t sacrifice them for anything. I never would have been able to come to terms with my own position within the queer community or found the language to communicate the way my heart works without them and I’ll never be able to thank them enough for that. I only hope I can return the same unconditional love they’ve shown me. 

My current WIP is a fantasy-scifi novel for middle readers, preteens-adults. Full of pop culture references, my Alien Princess protagonist and her Knight best friend run around my world, meet quite the cast of mythological/magical characters, and go on some pretty fun adventures, if I do say so myself.

The best thing you guys can do to help, is stay tuned for updates as I work through the end edits (My ETERNAL gratitude to beta reader @rosymiche), finding a publisher and getting it on the shelves! I have been researching and scouting publishing houses as I type, and have found a local indie. printer I have fallen in love with. I have spoken to their editor, and plan on submitting my manuscript to them as soon as they open, likely next month!

So first, wish me luck, and stick around for more updates as that happens!

Next, once that happens, THAT’s where you guys come in- For me and all your wonderful writer friends...

ASK YOUR LOCAL LIBRARY/BOOKSELLERS to stock it! That’s right, you don’t want to buy it? You don’t have enough? Great! Ask your library to buy it for you and then BAM! You can go read it! You can get it for a friend if Alien Princesses aren’t your thing (but why wouldn't they be?), you can get it for your little sibling, who is undoubtedly going through their own Alien Royalty phase at exactly this moment, right? Of course they are!

You get my point. That’s all for now folks. Thank you for all your love and support that has carried me this far, and will continue as I move forward. I love you all very much, and know I am hard at work, excited to finally share my world with all of you! 

As I write this, my mother is making phone calls on my behalf, just as she has my whole life. I got out of the ER yesterday and from picking up my medications at the pharmacy, to canceling my counselor today because of a sudden drop in coverage - the reason I didn’t want to/hesitate to pursue mental healthcare in the first place - every moment for the last four years have been overshadowed by my chronic illness. The last year more so than ever as I continuously say no to gatherings and meetings and leaving my home. A constant reminder of what we’ve been through, about how it impacts me specifically, and another round of the negative energy that comes from having those same conversations in an endless cycle. 

1) I am flaring and very much tied to my own home and our restroom. This last trip to the ER a few days ago put me on yet another round of steroids and soon enough I should be feeling physically better in a while after rest (hahaha), gentle diet, and time. Goodbye spring break, hello IVs and 3am blood draws. My nurses were angels btw. Thank you to all the healthcare providers who stepped in to begin getting me back on track.

2) Scheduling my last classes of Zoom Uni and drs is still hell. I have Zoom calls on top of Zoom calls between class and therapy (at least up until now) and trying to establish and create relationships with new Dr.s, a process that has made my and my family’s life a living hell since moving from campus and back, insurance battles, address and paperwork changes, prescription and test orders - something has been overly complicated, slowed down, held back...etc at every step of the way.

3) My mother - bless her - to sainthood - has been fighting on all our behalf at EVERY MOMENT. But she should NEVER have to put herself through this. I hate watching her do this, sit on calls, listen and watch as we get juggled from one department to another over and over like a carnival ride because no one will stop and help us. It is so painful to watch, and it is so endlessly frustrating to pick up and begin again and again day in and day out. She constantly tells me its her job and that she’s going to keep it up as long as I need - but I still know she never should have to go to bat for me like this and I hate it. I really really hate it.

4) Stuck at home, hospitalized, med changes, this all feels like I’ve time traveled a bit back to the very first days while being diagnosed. I feel a lot of old emotions coming back, a lot of unhealed childhood trauma I was never allowed to properly work through because life, and all its other crisis got in the way one at a time. As far as my mental health has been going, I haven’t felt this way since I was a young teenager, just entering high school after being housebound for 7th grade because I was too sick for a conventional school setting. It’s been crushing, and heavy, and I just feel...guilty...that other people have had to put up with me while I fight through this fog and watch. There is very little they can do, and it’s always awful to know the people who care about me feel as helpless to be there for me as I feel in general. Of course, these are the kinds of things I’ve been talking to my therapist about. Even while I am writing this, we are in  the process of leaping over that particular hurdle on the long racetrack we’ve been running. I wanted therapy. I need mental health assistance. And we’re going to fight to keep this same provider and keep jumping through all the right hoops.

5) All this to say - I’m not the only one dealing with this and that makes it worse because NO ONE should. And if something doesn’t break? If something isn’t radically changed, it’s going to result in loss of even more lives of people like me. Possibly me. I know people hate to hear this and I hate to say it - but “COVID only impacts the elderly and those with preexisting conditions” is complete and utter Bull. All you’ve said is that you don’t care about those communities of people. About my community. About me. These clerical errors, working from out of office, communication breakdowns, have ALL been exacerbated by a global pandemic that was so horribly mismanaged it’s resulted in this mess. I wonder how much higher the death toll would be if we calculated the lack of mental health resources, errors made on the admin. side due to these circumstances - how much bigger a number would we be looking at, and what do we do to change it - and to put in preventative measures against it ever happening again.