#jayflynn

I felt like I was being haunted by you, but then I realized that maybe I just enjoy being haunted by you, because then that means that there’s a part of you that I don’t want to let go of.

If I move forward and take too many steps, then it’ll feel like I’m leaving you behind.

And I feel stupid for feeling like this, and then I feel sad for feeling like this too. Because what is it about your specific loss that keeps tears filling my eyes every now and then?

Or every time I try to meet someone new, it goes great. It goes amazingly, and then I end up crying a couple of days later because you reach my mind again and it just feels wrong to move on and try to be happy.

Why should I get to be happy when you weren’t?

Why do I make these walls, and keep everyone at an arms distance?

Why am I genuinely the problem?

Why does letting go feel scary? Why does letting someone else in feel terrifying?

I don’t know anything anymore.

Why do you swim across my bubbled thoughts whenever I feel happy, or sad, or even progressing in life?

I’d like to think that you would want me to be happy, but I’m scared.

I’m terrified.

So one more time just in case you can read this from the afterlife,

But you ripping yourself out of this world just feels like a breakup again.

Because the door will forever be closed and things will always be left unresolved between us.

I think a lot about you these days, you know, everyone says they hate March now even though my birthday was a week later. I booked a therapy appointment the day I turned 25, because the idea of me being forced to hit a age that you didn’t get to reach was suffocating. Now March comes closer, and it’s a reminder that you took yourself out of here and I’m quickly forced to reach another age you won’t.

I hated you, I wanted to give us at least a couple of years before I gave in and we could meet again and see how our progress was as adults. Your mother told me that you understood why I felt the way I did and that you didn’t blame me for it, but you did not hate me. You wanted to have that talk with me, because you genuinely did care, and I was too selfish to give you the chance for that because I felt I was guarding my heart from the fear of falling again.

I know you always wanted a close group of friends, connections, and just a happy simple life. When we met, there was no way we could’ve known all the things we would go through together, and at each-other. I was told not to think about the, what if? Questions. What if we both could’ve held on? What if I could’ve gotten my shit together sooner and tried helping you? What if we had never broken up? Would you still be here? Would we be happy? I feel like I’m gaslighting myself into thinking and believing I’m okay, just like I had to when we broke up because I always described you as mine, and I was endlessly yours. The days I spent just telling myself over and over that everything is okay, everything will be fine I’ll be okay. I can survive without because you told me that I couldn’t be alone. That I was the most codependent person in the world, so I think you would be proud with the progress I’ve made so far. The self help books, the therapy appointments, all the healing you’ve given me the opportunity to go through. I know you would be proud

I’ve been alone for almost two years now. There’s been plenty of times I could’ve dated someone, but I think it’s finally clicked that I want to be a whole person. I miss the fuck out of you. Even if we were shitty to each other, we were unmedicated kids that just had so much raw emotion and unresolved parental issues. But we took the wrong steps and we grew into people that had to give each other the ultimate lesson of growing. Because of you I grew, and because of me I know you did too. You will forever be my first love.

All I can do is wakeup everyday, and keep going. Jayflynn for the win right? All I see these days are yellow fingerprints everywhere. On drums, on spooky things, on haunting seasons, on so many things that if I put them together, I’d close my eyes and hope they could summon you. But they can’t. And I’m just trying to help with the moving on process, but everyone feels like they don’t want to leave you behind. But you aren’t behind us, I feel like you jumped into the future and you’re in every step we carry.

Flynn Flynn Flynny Floo,

Google told me last night that the longest it takes to grieve over a death is five years.

I don’t want to feel like this.

Just finished the first draft and I have a looong way to go. 

Didn’t end up turning out how I hoped, but I still feel pretty proud of my first digitally colored image. I suck at drawing digitally and I suck at coloring traditionally. Combine the two and I’m half decent :)