#jayani

I can't be sure whether the nausea I feel is a symptom of dehydration or anxiety. Not that one is preferable to the other, or that it matters in the grand scheme, or that I could feasibly or in good conscience use either as a decent reason to excuse myself to the safety of my own bed to hide for however long forgetting this entire ordeal would take. So my eyes are staying closed.

Maybe if I hold this position long enough he'll think I've slipped into a coma and call an ambulance. But knowing him he'd probably keep vigil beside my bed until I opened my eyes. God he'd probably call my parents. Maybe just a small case of amnesia would be easier; temporary amnesia? Would he believe I blacked out? Probably not.

“Good morning.”

Oh God not yet, please not yet.

“Jayani?”

Nope.

“Are you awake?”

No! I'm not! In fact I won't be awake for many hours so why don't you pop out of bed and into the shower so I can leave while you're not looking, drop off the grid, maybe contact Protected Persons, call you in a year or so and pretend this never happened?

“Ah I've sufficiently worn you out,” or worm even closer, lovely, just do the literal opposite. “That's okay. As it happens, while you—heh—while you've got me here,” fuck, let go of his hand, no don't! Too obvious, he'll know! “I have a question to pose. Now, you might not like what I have to say, but considering the circumstances, I think this may be the most opportune moment.”

Holy Mother is there anything more disarming than rough morning voice? No. He knows, he has to know, he's just playing along to humour me. God he's so warm—no, damn it! Stay focused! Commit to the lie, even if he does know I can.. pretend.. I was.. dreaming? Okay, sure, work with it, deep breaths, people breathe deeply when they're asleep. I am asleep, I am breathing deeply.

“First, let it be known how unfair it is you look absolutely gorgeous right now.”

Oh it is way too early for this.

“I'm sure I look like death warmed up and you're lying here, ready to be painted.”

This is ridiculous. How do I get myself in these situations? Well maybe that's the wrong question to be asking.

“I suppose I should apologise before I make any requests of you.”

Yes please, apologise that you just got a call from your agent and you have to leave immediately for a three month shoot in the desert!

“I knew what I was doing last night.”

Well that's an understatement, and hardly warrants an apology. God my nose itches.

“I'm not proud of this, which is probably why I'm telling you while you're still asleep, but I had a plan to get you back here last night.”

Yes! Who's the actor now! Wait, what?

“You posted that picture, and you said there were few places you'd rather be stood up, and I just, it wasn't an accident I found you there. I wanted to see you.”

That's... not...?

“I took advantage of you, and I want to apologise for that. I feel like I plied you with alcohol and coerced you into doing something you had no intention of. I spent the whole evening trying to get my way, I ended up being one of those arseholes you always tell me about.”

He can't believe I'm sleeping. He can't seriously be apologising to the woman literally clutching his hand to her breast. He cannot seriously think after everything I distinctly remember saying, I could have possibly been in any way hesitant about getting into bed with him. Alright I was at first but that was more Hana's twenty messages telling me not to ruin a good thing.

And okay, maybe I'm more than a bit hesitant now. Daylight will do that. But if anyone was taken advantage of, it was surely the other way round.

“Maybe I'll be brave enough to admit it to your face, but for now I am sorry.”

Fantastic, now I have to deal with my guilt and yours? If we both apologise for the same thing, will each negate the other?

“As I said, I do have a question, or a request, or really just a desperate plea.”

What a coincidence! Let's combine our desperate pleas and perhaps someone will have mercy on us.

“I want to do this again. I want this to happen again. That is, I want to wake up next to you again, of course ideally without the pretence and remorse. Not that I feel remorse about waking up next to you, or sleeping with you, just the methods I.. ah, fuck. This will go better when you're awake. Maybe.”

I shouldn't be surprised.

Of all the people I could have gone home with, not only did I pick a friend, I picked the bloody incarnation of feelings. I should have known better. I do know better. The system is “love 'em and leave 'em”, that’s why it's not called “build a rewarding relationship based on mutual interests and eventually love 'em then stick around for brunch”. That’s not even fun to say.

“I know you’ll baulk at the idea. Maybe my whole act last night was an attempt to convince you—er—to show you what you could have? What we could have? Wow that sounds awful out loud. I didn't show you anything you're not already familiar with. I didn't go about it the right way. Though in my defence, it's really difficult to be civilised when someone's sitting on your lap insisting 'the chivalry isn't necessary.'”

Don't skew the timeline, there was little attempt at being 'civilised' until we had got here. Anyway you talk too much when you drink.

“Now here we are. You're going to wake up and realise you've made a mistake and I'll hold the door as you rush off to the imaginary appointment you're not actually late for. And we won't ever talk about this because we don't want to make each other uncomfortable. And I'll be the tit who hides his feelings from the one person he should be honest with.”

Wow, am I so obviously predictable?

“But I want to ask you to give me a chance. I want to beg you to give me a chance. Because I want to show you there is life above the shallow ocean of men you're content to wade in. And it's possible for someone to be more concerned about your being than your body. I want you to feel comfortable being vulnerable. I want you to let me prove that you are not damaged and you don't need validation from anyone, including me. And yeah, I might ask you to sit on my lap again.”

I'm not interested in being a pet project, your personal tamed shrew to show off at parties. And maybe that's not your intention but I've slept with enough posh boys to know they only love riding a horse they can take to the polo club. Or hunt foxes, or something.

"I know it's a lot to ask. I don't want you to force you into anything.. again. I don't want you to leave. I hope you'll stay."

I never studied too far into karma but by all accounts it shouldn't come around this quickly.

"But I'll understand if you don't. I'll understand if it's too much, if I can't be that person for you. I can't promise I won't wonder what could have been, but I'll try not to be too obvious if you catch me staring."

It's not that I don't want to stay in this obscenely comfortable bed, but it's better I leave. It's better to pretend I'm completely oblivious to your feelings. Then again.. what if I don't run away this time? What if this is a bit of karma, a chance to try again with someone who, to all intents and purposes, is actually not an arsehole? I suppose I have to open my eyes to find out.

"Ah, there you are."