#jasonvtodd

Grey.

A concept that most people don’t understand. Whenever TK tried to explain what he meant to non-users they all looked somewhat confused. It was weird to TK’s own ears. But that’s how he felt. All of the time, how he currently felt.

Austin just didn’t fit right. Everything about it made his skin itch.

Okay so blaming the city was a little lame but he wanted to blame something other than his own mind.

He had just responded to an email from Alex. That was fun. Alex made a bunch of excuses you were never around, I was lonely, you cared more about your job -- he was his father’s son after all. But that last line; I know you were using again.

TK couldn’t deny that one, and to be fair they were all right. He had zoned out of his relationship, and just like his Dad had taught him, he made a grand gesture to make up for it. Ignore your family for a few weeks, come back with a pizza night and brand-new video games. Emotionally check out for a couple months, family vacation time. So, TK had figured the same principle applied to Alex and there relationship, ignore him and not be around, a proposal would fix all of that. It didn’t.

TK wished there had been a good reason for his relapse but there wasn’t. It was just easy. He had run into an old friend from his heavy using days, and one thing led to another, and he figured it wouldn’t hurt. One night. It made things easier. And then there was a hard call, they had watched a child die. He couldn’t sleep that night. Why not one more night of indulging. He wasn’t going to spiral out this time. He had a job, he had to be functional. It was only at night, never at the job. Only on his days off. Oxy was a blessing because half the time no one even knew he was high. That feeling. Nothing compared. He didn’t feel Grey, he felt the opposite, a kind of nothing, but a nothing that didn’t hurt, not physically not emotionally, he was floating, he was at peace. The world wasn’t peaceful but being high was. The sad part was while he was at peace the rest of the people in his life weren’t.

Accidental overdoses are easy. Your body naturally builds a tolerance to the oxy, and to achieve that perfect high well you need more, that moment of serenity that TK craved, he had to take more. In the past he had overdosed twice. And that night, that night Alex left him, that night, the night that he remembered he was just a shell, well maybe he wanted a more permanent source of peace.

And now what - what was he supposed to do? Deny it, Alex knew him better than that. He couldn’t pretend he didn’t check out or start using again but so what?  It didn’t excuse Alex cheating on him. Fuck. Couldn’t he have just left him, not replaced him? Why did he have to hurt him like that? Now what did he have?

Carlos.

God that guy was a mystery to TK. He was so hot, and kind, and sexy. Why was he trying to fix things between the two of them? They had started to go on dates. After the whole debacle at the police station, TK thought he had completely wrecked it. To be honest that was what he was aiming for. Completely destroying any chance of a relationship. No chance of getting hurt. Because if he was being honest, the whole situation had started to make him feel something. And TK had no desire for that.

He would hurt Carlos, or he’d make enough bad choices that Carlos would hurt him.

TK sighed, he had all of this excess energy. And nowhere to put it. His Dad was on shift, and now he was alone. Alone with his thoughts.

He wasn’t being drug tested for a while. And even then, it was easy to cheat the system. His Dad would watch him pee in a cup if he had to, but he didn’t know that you could easily pay off the med student in the lab to fake about the results. TK had done it more than once back in New York. He knew Texas would have broke college students too.

He could control it this time. Alex breaking his heart was an unexpected moment. But this time he would be careful. He wouldn’t hurt his Dad like that again.

So what if he got a little high at night. Who was he really hurting? He would keep it a secret.

Carlos didn’t know the signs. TK thought about sex high, god that was a nice feeling. But Carlos was a cop. He had to be extra careful. He would be.

He couldn’t buy a lot at a time, he had nowhere to hide the pills now, but that was better he could control it better that way.

TK knew that his Dad still checked around the house for pills.

Confident in his choices. This time he would hurt no one, because no one would ever know.

And that was how it started. One week passed. And TK enjoyed the sensation of getting away with the high. There was something so wrong, but it felt so right. No one knew.

It was the same feeling he had after he had gotten away with the barfight. The wrongness, the reckless edge. It made him feel alive. The fear of getting caught, it made him feel excited for what lay ahead. It was better than nothingness.

Sometimes TK was worried, his relationship with the crew was getting better. Marjan and Matteo were always cool with him. He and Judd had a weird bond. Paul was a cool dude. He was good during a night out. TK felt guilty he had indulged that night they went dancing. He figured if he got caught, he could play dumb and say he was spiked. He didn't have to worry, Carlos was too buzzed to notice anything. It was so reckless but so fun.

Should he be sober for the team? No, it wouldn’t hurt them, so why bother?

God, he loved getting away with the high.

It was helping with the ache.

Carlos was at work; he was complaining about his patrol schedule. It was so domestic. It made TK worry. They were getting comfortable.

His Dad was getting drinks with Michelle, so he was on his own. His Dad had assumed he was going to be with Carlos. He was still worried about leaving him on his own too often. TK couldn’t really blame him.

But guilt. Guilt was something TK was good at ignoring. The high was worth it.

There was a bar TK had found with a steady supply. The perks of working with first responders, you learn the spots for drugs because it was part of the job.

TK headed out, blasting his music, trying to quiet his mind. Ignore the guilt. No shame. He wasn’t wrong. No one was getting hurt.

It was a lively night as always. TK laughed at the clichéness of the bucking bronco mechanical bull. Sometimes Texas was really Texas. It was full of college aged kids having a good time. Ideal for a dealer.

TK saw his dealer. Crap he had a dealer already. No time to dwell on that.

He followed the guy into the men’s room, the only place without cameras, and easily exchanged the cash for a small bag of pills.

“You know I can give you a better deal for a higher quantity, right?” TK had yet to learn the man’s actual name. He only had his number.

“Thanks for the concern, but this is all I need for now.” The smirk on the guys face when he heard all I need rubbed TK the wrong way, he could see the judgment. But what could TK say? He would be back for more. Soon he’d have to buy more. It was the way things went. No, this time TK would keep it under control.

TK went to the bar and ordered a trusty mineral water.

Smiling at the bartender, TK made casual small talk. He easily swallowed the pills washing them down with the water. No one even noticed. He was good at hiding pills.

He turned his attention to the crowd. He had always been able to be personable when he tried. Casual small talk with the regulars.

Slowly the pills kicked in.

After a few, a guy who was clearly out of the closet began chatting TK up, offering to buy him a drink. For a minute TK was tempted. And that instant he thought of Carlos, shamed filled TK. He knew that even though Carlos and he were taking it slow, Carlos deserved better. Carlos deserved better.

God he was high in a bar flirting with random college students.

Shit.

TK walked out the back of the bar, to enjoy some fresh air while the sensation of drifting was coming in. He could take another pill. It should drown out the shame. It always did.

When TK walked out of the bar, he noticed a girl who had gone out for a smoke. She was being hassled by a guy. He was bigger than she was by a foot easily. He was taller than TK. Looked buffer too. More Judd’s height and weight.

TK smiled a little, a challenge, perfect. TK had always loved getting into fights. He loved the risk, the thrill. Bigger than him, no problem. More than one guy, that just added to the pleasure. TK had purposefully fought two guys that were drunk, bigger and angry. It was just something that made him feel alive. TK normally didn’t need a reason to fight, he could always think of one later, but tonight it was like a gift.

TK walked over just as he did, the girl yelled at the guy to leave or she’d start screaming.

The fear on her face, angered TK, in a reckless sort of way.

Without even thinking about the consequences, TK shoved the guy hard, getting in between the guy and the young girl.

“She said leave.” The other guy was clearly drunk, and not going to take no for an answer. TK was just fine with that.

“You are going to regret that you, little bitch!”

TK relished the fight. He made sure to give the girl enough room to get away. She ran into the bar, and TK, god, he felt good. The guy was bigger, but not a good fighter, he got in a decent punch, he was going to have a black eye, but otherwise TK was more skilled, once he had the man off balance, it was easy.

He was able to straddle the guy. He shouldn’t have thrown the next punch, but he did. The guy was down, but god TK didn’t care. There was something so cathartic about the violence. This guy got off on scaring girls, now he would remember what happened.

TK should have heard the sirens. But he didn’t. He was too focused on the fight.

“Police!” TK recognized that voice immediately.

TK got off the guy and fell to the side, punching a grown man took a lot out of a guy. This was not a pretty scene. He was next to an unconscious guy that he had just beaten the crap out of. His white t-shirt was covered in blood, his jeans had ripped, he could feel the black eye starting and his knuckles were bloodied.

TK leaned back to balance before he buckled, “Maybe Austin really is a small town.”

The look on Carlos’s face, not ideal TK thought.

“TK….Fuck.” Normally TK would have loved those two words coming out of Carlos’s mouth, but currently Carlos was pointing his gun at him, looking like he wanted to punch him and hug him at the same time.

“Just for the record you do look as hot as I thought holding a piece.” Okay now he looked mad only. TK was so screwed.

Behind him another police officer came up to check on the guy that TK had just finished beating the crap out of. “He’s going to need a hospital.”

Shit.

He should have stopped hitting the guy earlier.

“You can go with him; I have this guy.” Carlos said.

Not how TK imagined being handcuffed by Carlos. But it was about to happen. TK pulled himself off the floor, then put his hands in the air, he had been through this process enough times to know what to do. The other officer had his gun trained on him, while Carlos cuffed him. TK knew he’d be even more fucked when Carlos patted him down. It was procedure before putting him into the cop car. He would find the baggie of pills, he hadn’t tossed it. Rookie mistake. Shit.

Carlos grabbed his wrists, not all together too gentle. TK felt the cold metal clasp around his wrists. Carlos held his arm as he guided him to the car. TK knew he was talking but god, trying to focus was hard.

This would have been the point in the night when he would have taken another two pills to continue the high. Not looking likely now.

“Do you understand your rights as I have told you?” Carlos asked. Bring TK back down to earth.

“I understand.” TK mumbled. Letting out a small cough, he tried to cut the tension, “Not my first time getting arrested Officer.”

“This isn’t funny TK, that guy was out cold.” Carlos really had the disappointed mother hen voice down.

TK tried to shrug but it was hard to do in cuffs, while Carlos was still holding his arm in place.

“I have to check for weapons, do you have anything on you that I should know about?” Carlos asked, TK couldn’t place the emotion in his voice, and thankfully he wasn’t facing him.

“Nothing that does any damage to anyone else.” TK sighed; Carlos was patting him down anyways. Why should he have believed him?

TK hated this moment. He loved the feeling of Carlos’s hands on him normally, but now...it felt wrong.

Carlos turned him around. And checked his front jean pockets. He pulled out the bag. Christ TK wished he never saw that look. There was a flash of anger that was soon replaced with pity. TK looked down. God. He was monumentally screwed.

“TK…” Carlos groaned. He was shaking his head.

“What can I say officer, sorry I didn’t offer to share that was rude of me.” TK wished he could shut up. He was not helping the situation.

Carlos opened the door to the car and shoved TK into the seat. He could hear Carlos swearing under his breath. TK’s Spanish wasn’t good enough to understand.

But this was better, Carlos should be angry. He couldn’t help TK now. He might be over the edge this time. Assault and possession, he wasn’t that good at explain things away. He could justify the fight enough to potentially hold onto his job, but the pills nope, not this time. His Dad would kill him.

Shit Dad. He would have that stupid disappointed look on his face. This was going to break his heart. TK was sobering up way to fast. TK breathed in and leaned back, pushing his head as far back as he could. He’d have preferred covering his face with his hands but being handcuffed in the back of a police car was not ideal.

No way he would be able to pass a drug test now. Deep breaths. What the hell was he going to do?

“Are you going to say anything?” Carlos spit out, he could hear the frustration in his voice. What could he say to him that would make this make sense?

There was no decent explanation.

Sorry but I figured getting high when people weren’t around was fine, and then I started feeling guilty so I figured a fist fight would help, didn’t mean to get so out of hand but you know shit happens. He doubted Officer Reyes would understand.

Soon he’d be royally fucked, they were almost at the station.

TK sat up straight he could feel Carlos’s glare through the rear-view mirror.

TK tried shrugging again.

Carlos pulled over to the curb and turned off the engine, He turned around to face TK.

“You’ve fucked up your entire career tonight, you know that right?!” Carlos shouted. TK wished he didn’t see the concern behind the anger. Carlos was too good.

TK just swallowed hard. He knew he had fucked up. The problem with hanging of the edge of a cliff is that eventually you’ll fall off.

Carlos hit the bars separating them. TK didn’t expect that. And then he flung open his door, and within seconds he was being pulled out of the car. With one arm Carlos yanked him out, and TK was lucky Carlos was strong otherwise he’d have fallen over. Carlos slammed the car door behind him, and then he shoved him up against the car. TK’s wrists hit the handle, and then pushed into his back.

It was more than uncomfortable it hurt. TK was shocked, this had to be breaking protocol.

“What the hell?!” Carlos yelled again. Fury and pain was clear in his eyes.

“There isn’t a good explanation.” TK groaned; he did not want to have this conversation. He was already screwed enough. “I wanted to get high, so I did, and I wanted to get into a fight so I did. And now I am fucked.”

“Fucked doesn’t even begin to describe your situation.” Carlos spit out. “How the hell do you plan to get out of this huh?”

TK wanted to laugh for some reason. “Look the second you found those pills it was over. Potentially I could have explained away the fight, but no way around possession. I get that there is no way out now.”

Carlos looked confused. As if there was something that didn’t quite add up.

“Why haven’t you asked me to toss the pills?” There was something in the way that Carlos asked that, he sounded hurt.

“I wouldn’t ever ask you to do that.” TK was not that much of an asshole.

“Why not? Everyone always asks the arresting officer to look the other way. I have had people ask favours because I am Latino, or because I am gay or because they saw me on the street once, but you don’t even ask and we are… fuck I don’t know.”

Oh shit. TK didn’t know how he had managed to fuck up getting arrested even more, but somehow he did. Asking Carlos to help him like that wouldn’t be admitting they were something, it would be hurting Carlos to help himself, and he could not do that. “I can’t ask you to compromise your ethics because I am a fuck up!”

Carlos had to know that he was much better than TK, how could he ask him to do something that would make him feel like shit. TK would just mess up again. “I don’t deserve it.”

Carlos was looking at him in an odd way. “You really think that don’t you.”

TK didn’t want to look at Carlos anymore, he turned his head to the side. “I can’t take advantage of you; you are too good. You deserve better.”

Carlos’s hand touched TK’s cheek, it was so gentle, softly he guided TK’s face back towards him. “Why did you do this? Please help me understand.”

TK half smiled slightly for a moment. What could he say but; “because it felt good, okay.”

“A black eye and risking your entire career felt good?” God why was Carlos so damn beautiful, it made everything harder.

“I just...I...I have been using for a while. I am pretty good at being a functional junkie, never at work, but still.” TK wanted to shift his face back, but Carlos held his hand on his cheek forcing TK to look at the man.

“Anyways that guy was hassling a girl and I just...it pissed me off and I figured a fight was another thing to liven up the grey.” TK didn’t know the words to make him understand how fucked up he was, how much he itched, and craved for the high. “You shouldn’t help me, look at me, this is the real me, this is why I didn’t want you to get close to me.”

Carlos flinched. “How does someone so amazing, end up thinking so little of themselves?”

TK couldn’t look at that adoration in Carlos’s face. He closed his eyes. Wishing that he was anywhere but here.

“You run into burning buildings to help people, you see a friend in pain you go out of your way to cheer them up, you are kind and brave, how are you also this monumentally stupid.” Carlos moved his hand away from TK’s cheek, and moved it to his bicep. For a second TK thought perhaps Carlos wanted to shake him.

TK laughed. Brave.  Being a firefighter meant everyone thought he was brave.

“What’s so funny?”

“I run into burning buildings cause it’s the best high you can get without pills, its reckless and it makes you feel alive, when I gave up pills the first time, I replaced one high with the other.” TK had never admitted that out loud. He had no real calling to be a firefighter. He just figured that it would be a good chance to be back in his Dad’s good books, and then he tasted the adrenaline, he lived for it.

“TK….” Carlos looked to be struggling to find the words. He had to realize there were no words.

“This is my fuck up, you don’t have to fix me Carlos, I am so sorry.” TK wished he could take tonight back. He really messed up, but no way in hell TK was going to let Carlos compromise his integrity for him. He was going to arrest him; he was going to turn the pills into evidence. Carlos was still close enough that TK leaned forward and kissed him, a gentle peck. An apology kiss. “You have to give the pills into evidence. And you are not allowed to feel guilty. I messed up not you.”

Carlos kissed him back, his kiss was angry and hard, and not what he expected. “You really love making things hard for me Tyler Kennedy.”

“I know I messed up but seriously with the full name, that was uncalled for.” TK tried to coax a laugh.

Carlos opened the door again, this time he put TK in the back gently.

He was forgiven. At least he hoped he was.

“Ever consider dating a convict?” TK figured what the hell, not like he had much more to lose tonight.

“Seriously TK?” Carlos groaned. “How can you be so calm?”

What could he say? As a professional fuck up, he always knew this day would come. He was afraid of only his Dad’s reaction. But he had time for that.

They pulled into the station. “This was not how you were supposed to meet my friends.” Carlos murmured into TK’s ear as he led him to booking. TK laughed at that.

“What can I say, at least I will be memorable.” TK tried to angle back to see Carlos’s face but it was hard with the cuffs.

When they entered the bull pen, TK’s heart stopped, his Dad was already there. Standing next to an older man, Shit Carlos must have radioed ahead when he had zoned out.

TK looked at the ground immediately, waves of shame radiating through him. He wished he was high now, it would at least make this easier to deal with.

The other man walked towards them.

“Sir.” Carlos said. He could hear the deference in his voice, this was a superior. Of course, probably because he was the son of a prominent fire chief, he wasn’t just messing up his career. Damn Dad, I am sorry, TK wanted to blurt out. How had things gotten out of control so fast?

“You’ve had quite the night, Son.” TK willed himself to look up, that was odd the man was smiling.

“Um, sir?” What was he supposed to yah, it was a great night?

“See the young woman you happened to defend was the daughter of Judge Reynolds, she had a restraining order out on that man you so thoroughly beat up, she told us the entire story.” The man clapped TK’s shoulder.

A judges daughter. A judge tight with what looked like the chief of police. This was too good to be true. Public officials looked out for one another, attacking one of them was an attack on them all. The cops would do anything it took to protect a judges daughter.

This wasn’t happening. Was this a get out of jail free card?

“Uncuff the boy, Reyes.” The man had a booming voice.

“Sir.” TK felt Carlos unlock the handcuffs, and soon his wrists were free.

“I don’t understand?” TK voiced. Carlos still could stop this. One mention of what he found on TK and boom, the good will would end because his father would put an end to it.

“Well Lucy, the young woman told us everything, how she went out for a smoke and Greg attacked her, and how you without any regard for yourself stepped up to defend her, and so obviously we won't be filling charges. I called your Dad here to take you home. I am sure Judge Reynolds and Lucy will want to thank you personally.”

TK saw his Dad beaming at him. He walked over. “I am proud of you son, but next time try and not knock the guy into next week, you gave him a concussion.”

“Sorry.” TK said sheepishly. “He was kind of bigger than me, it was hard to tell if he was down.”

Being an addict didn’t give you many valuable skills but being fast on your feet was one of the only ones. TK went along with the whole story.

"Ehhh" The other officer laughed. "Your boy was just doing what was necessary."

“So, no other charges?” TK asked, it was a silent question to Carlos, just say it Carlos. Even now TK wouldn’t blame Carlos, he knew what following the law, being an honest cop meant to Carlos.

His Dad looked at him a little weird. “Don’t worry kid they checked with the bartender she confirmed you were just drinking mineral water. Nothing to clear up. Let’s take you home and get some ice on that eye.”

TK couldn’t believe his luck. This was not happening.

His Dad didn’t seem to suspect a thing. He chatted with him on the way home. TK lied easily saying he was bored, and he heard about the mechanical bull, it sounded funny. His Dad didn’t even blink, and of course since he had confirmation that he had stayed sober at the bar, TK knew he was just proud he had stepped up to protect someone else.

“I think I am going to lie down now Dad; I am sore as shit.” TK mumbled.

When he entered his room, TK saw his phone, Carlos wanted to meet.

What should he do? Fuck.

TK snuck around back. He did not want his Dad to know about this. Carlos said he’d meet TK at the end of his street.

TK groaned, as he walked down the street, without the oxy his body really hurt.

Thankfully he had changed out of his bloody clothes. He was wearing a comfy hoodie, and sweatpants. He saw Carlos’s Camero at the end of the block, his shift must have ended right after he let TK go.  

“Hi.” TK had another moment of not knowing what to say, it was becoming a habit around Carlos.

Carlos had his arms folded as he leaned on the hood. “You know tonight did not go how I expected at all.” He had one of those collared shirts on that hung on his bicep. And a pair of dark jeans. He looked perfect.

“Looking good officer.” TK smirked at him. Figuring couldn't go wrong with a compliment.

Carlos chuckled, still not changing his posture.

“You are fucking lucky as shit.” Carlos said. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the baggie.

TK sighed. “I won’t blame you if you tell the truth.”

“Not exactly possible now that I let you walk.” Carlos pointed out extending the bag towards TK.

“Fine then arrest me now.” TK grabbed the bag. “I never wanted you to have to cover for me, it’s not right.”

“I am not going to arrest you TK.” Carlos sighed. "I don't want to,"

“You should.” Taking the baggie into his hand, TK didn’t know what to do, he still craved it. He should have gone to a meeting that night.

Carlos looked so dejected, TK knew what not turning him in was doing to Carlos. He was a good police officer, he would cut a break to someone who deserved, but TK didn’t. He had a million chances, he should have known better. He was hurting someone who didn’t deserve any pain especially not from him.

“I always thought of my using as victimless, until one night I overdosed, and my mom and Dad looked like they had just had their stomachs pumped not me. I felt bad but I just told myself I wouldn’t take too much again, no one would get hurt” TK mumbled. “The second time, I was a firefighter, and luckily they considered it an accident, on the account they had been prescriptions and I had been injured on the job so…” Carlos just waited for him to continue. “But god my team was so worried. I figured this time, okay I will stop for real. And then...and then last time.”

How did he tell Carlos, that last time he had tried to kill himself? “I fucked up. I just always think this time I will be careful enough, this time no one will get hurt.  I never not once wanted to hurt you.”

“Then stop.” Carlos looked at him with such hope. Stop, what a novel idea.

“I am trying.” TK knew it was a shitty answer. But he was trying. “I am going to a meeting first thing.”

Carlos nodded. “Okay then.” His eyes lingered on his hand; TK was clutching the baggie tighter than he should.

Fuck.

TK chucked the bag as hard as he could. “I swear.”

“I know but I still don’t really understand…” Carlos was mulling his words so carefully. “I want to understand why getting high was worth everything tonight.”

TK shoved his hands into his pockets. He felt so small in this moment.

“I wish I had a good explanation, I guess once you start, well stopping is hard.” Carlos didn’t look convinced. “Not just the cravings which never seem to go away, but the rush, once you reach that perfect high, that singular moment that takes away your physical and emotional pain, well, real life doesn’t seem as appealing after that.”

Carlos nodded.

"I've read the pamphlets I get intellectually its hard for you. I just hated arresting you tonight. I hated everything about tonight."

“I should have worked the program harder, I guess I thought I could do it on my own, but I know how lucky I got this time Carlos, I am going to sober up. I’ve done it before.” TK wished he could sound more convincing, the only thing he could promise was he was going to try.

As Carlos turned away, TK’s heart sank. What could he say? Did he even want Carlos to stay? Could he handle any of this?

“Can I ask you something?” Carlos was holding his car handle door, but his body was angled towards TK, he could see the battle in Carlos’s eyes, should he stay should he go?

“After tonight, I owe you any answers you want.”

“Why did you start using pills?” TK chuckled; he knew Carlos was wondering how a middle-class kid with two loving parents decide to go down such a dangerous path, after all he had it pretty good. Sadly for Carlos there wasn’t a trauma it was just a series of bad choices. It could happen to anyone.

“It’s a long story.”

“I’ve got time.”  

TK hopped onto the hood of the car. Signalling Carlos to join him; “I did just get my ass kicked. I am a little tired.”

Carlos laughed “please I saw the other guy, you really can handle yourself in a fight.”

TK shrugged. “Sorry to say but it’s because I’ve had practice.”

Carlos frowned. He sat next to TK, he was clearly waiting for TK to tell him the story.

“I guess it started when I was a teenager. I was partying a lot anyways drinking a lot, and smoking weed all of the time, but when I was eighteen I was dating an older guy.” TK turned his head towards the sky, he’d rather not see Carlos’s face, he did not want to sound like a tired cliché, but he was.

“How much older?” Carlos asked.

“He was twenty-seven at the time.” Carlos groaned.

“It wasn’t like I was exactly inexperienced or anything. Anyways he was a big partier, and I started hanging around people who did some stronger things than weed and it was like this whole new world had opened up. First it was uppers, and then it was opioids, they had really hit the scene. I had been struggling with depression for a bit but pills were an easy fix and suddenly I realized that I liked feeling high better than I liked sobriety.”

“But why?”

TK chuckled. “My mom is a bigger work-a-holic than my Dad mostly because she had to raise me so after I grew up a bit she started to chase the dreams she had let go of, I don’t blame her. My Dad was never around, we are close now but that’s just because I joined his crew. So I always felt like I wasn’t good enough, and I just I don’t know felt lost.” TK had always wanted to feel like he was a part of a family, sadly for him his family had always been fractured. “I was left without supervision so no one noticed when I fell in with the wrong crowd, and no one really noticed the signs of depression, I know I didn't."

TK had never been good at asking for help. "And like I know it’s bad in Texas and I can’t complain much because New York.”

“Being out anywhere is a challenge TK.” Carlos interrupted firmly.

“I know, but let’s just say first responders tend to not look to fondly on gay kids.” His Dad might have been supportive, but TK had grown up hearing how he was a blotch on his Dad’s legacy. Sucks that the all American Owen Strand had a gay kid. It got worse after he started partying more, TK hated to admit it he had been arrested more than once. He was lucky to still be admitted to the academy. If his mom hadn’t been such a good lawyer, well his life could have gone a completely different way. “And I guess I was always thinking I wasn’t good enough. I made some bad choices. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, so it was easier to fill the gaps with pills.”

TK wondered still if he picked the right thing.

“Okay maybe it wasn’t a long story, but for a long time I tried to convince myself that if I was using, I wasn’t hurting anyone, and then it was this time I wouldn’t hurt anyone. I am starting to realize that I can’t use and not hurt people, so yah.” TK wasn’t sure what to say.

Carlos sat up. “I hope you do stop TK, cause you deserve to think more of yourself. I won’t mention the drugs this time, but…”

TK wanted to promise there wouldn’t be a next time, to erase the worry he saw in Carlos’s face, but he didn’t want to lie like that. But this time he would try.

TK kissed Carlos, maybe that would convey what he was trying to say. “I will try, I swear.”

“Try for yourself.” Carlos sighed.

“I have to get going TK.” Carlos looked sad. “Call me if you want to hang out sober minus the cuffs.”

TK hopped off his car. “Maybe you can bring the cuffs still.”

“Busting my balls, huh?” Carlos laughed.

TK shrugged. The only thing he could say was; “Thank you.”

Carlos nodded.

“One time TK, never again.” Carlos got into his car.

TK watched him drive away. He knew where he had tossed the pills, he could go and find them. And then sober up tomorrow. He was still sore from the fight. But he could hear the finality of Carlos’s voice. The pride in his father’s eyes. Was it worth it?

Never again. Carlos had meant it.

Don’t break so fast.

Shit, he really was going to have to go to a meeting.

He wasn’t going to lie to Carlos, he was going to try. Maybe just maybe to see in himself what Carlos saw, because he wanted to be that guy.