#jason bartok

JASON:

I’VE BEEN ALONE A LOT THESE DAYS. THAT’S NOT MY STYLE. I LISTENED TO PEOPLE PASSING BY. I WORKED HARD TO DISAPPEAR. IF YOU LISTEN HARD ENOUGH, YOU CAN’T HEAR ANYTHING. IT’S MY JOB TO LISTEN, NOT TO HEAR.

I’VE BEEN ALONE A LOT THESE DAYS. IT’S NOT GOOD FOR ME. YOU MISS THE THINGS YOU USED TO HATE. SOME SANDY BREAD, A BOOK, A DRINK. I LIKED TO READ ENOUGH TO KNOW THE WORLD. IT’S MY JOB TO KNOW THINGS, NOT TO THINK.

BUT I’VE BEEN THINKING - WHAT IF I DID IT? I DON’T REMEMBER THAT NIGHT. AND YOU SAID - WELL - IT COULD BE TRUE. I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S IN MY HEAD. I DON’T KNOW WHAT I COULD DO.

I’VE BEEN ALONE A LOT THESE DAYS. IT HELPS ME THINK. LIKE HOW AM I HERE, IF THINGS WERE SO GOOD? WHEN A SWORD MISSES, THE SWORD’S NOT TO BLAME. THE GUARDS DOWN HERE ARE JUST HIRED SWORDS. IT WAS MY JOB TO SWING IT, NOT TO AIM.

BUT I’VE BEEN THINKING - WHO IS TO BLAME? THE BOOKS ALL SAY IT WAS ALWAYS THIS WAY BUT YOU SAID - WELL - WE DID THIS SOMEHOW. I DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE I’VE DONE. I DON’T KNOW IF IT MATTERS NOW.

WHEN YOU’RE IN THE MACHINE, YOU DON’T ASK WHAT IT MAKES. YOU DON’T ASK WHERE IT COMES FROM. YOU DON’T ASK WHAT IT TAKES. WE ALL HAVE OUR ORDERS. WE ALL WANT TO STAY ALIVE. BUT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I KILLED MYSELF JUST TRYING TO SURVIVE.

AND I’VE BEEN THINKING - WAS IT SO GOOD? WHEN TOMORROW WAS LIKE YESTERDAY AND YOU WERE ALWAYS THERE. I NEVER THOUGHT MY LIFE WAS PERFECT BUT I THOUGHT MY LIFE WAS FAIR. BUT MAYBE ALL WE EVER HAD WAS THE PRIVILEGE NOT TO CARE.