#jalewrite

Welcome to my life, I'm single again. The weather in Chicago got rough and the casualties were too much to bear. I can't believe I'm here again... but what can you do? You live. You learn. You move FORWARD. The dating life is going to be put on hold for a long while, because there is so much about self love I need to learn. wish me luck.

Have I fooled myself into the idea of love once again? Probably, but if I’m a fool then at least For this moment in time, I’m happy. :) let’s call him Chicago. Haha

I don't know if I can identify as a climber yet... I feel like that's a privilege I haven't received but I'm getting better. Omg I'm getting better! I feel like a spider monkey because I know how to hang off rocks and move my feet. I'm realizing how much strength I need to do certain move and I'm understanding how to strategize my routes. Honesty I look at the route, I determine where I'll get stuck and then I just go for it. If I get stuck, I stop and try again. If I'm still stuck I'll move on and come back to it later. Climbing is a beautiful sport where women can be strong, graceful, and intelligent all at the same time. It's so strategic, so much technique involved! You're in control of something you can't change. It's an amazing feeling for me. Rocks are grounded and stuck on this fucking massive wall. It's an internal coming to be external struggle. Anyways the rocks aren't going anywhere, it's you. You have to decide how you want to face the challenge, you can reach super high and "cross your fingers" you don't fall and you'll latch onto the rock, or you can find ways to move your feet or you can determine which places to move your hands. The whole process is an adrenaline rush! It's on you if you fall or not and its an immediate success/failure situation. You're literally onto of the world when you've completed any route and it's an internal pat on the back like I made that V1 my bitch lol I have so much more to say about rock climbing but maybe I'll leave it for another post, but for now... I'm obsessed with rocks and monkeying around haha

Hmm... I was 18 starting PCC and I remember feeling overwhelmed with this idea of college. I was naive (still am to an extent) and I was focused on my needs/wants. In a lot of ways I'm still that 18yr old girl finishing HS and in a lot of ways, I've grown up. To be frank, I don't believe people really change. I think people have core personality traits that they're pretty much stuck with, it's just over time we learn how to manipulate and cope with the pieces of ourselves that we don't like. Take me for instance, I'm super Crazy emotional and I've always been! Ever since I was a kid. While I'm still very emotional now, I've learned to filter out my feelings and I've learned to distinguish what I'm feeling at the moment vs. my actual feelings towards a situation. I'm still trying to understand myself but It's gotten a lot better as time goes on. But then again, who knows what could happen in the next 5 years!

It's such a weird thing. I'm dating this guy, (same guy for the past two months) and I have never felt so alone. Maybe alone is exaggerating the feeling but I do feel vulnerable and neglected to a certain extent. He's an older guys and we literally only text setup another time to meet. We hang out about once or twice a week and every time I'm with him, it feels so wonderful. He Gives me all his attention, he listens, we talk about everything and nothing, we're super affectionate! He holds my hand, we kiss, and hug. It's really nice... He's a great addition to my life and I want more of him. Honestly I wouldn't want him to text everyday... It would be excessive and I'd get overwhelmed. But a little text here and there to let me know he's thinking about me or he cares would be nice. Uhh... It's all a trade off! I get put to the side for a couple of days and then get all his attention on one day. I think this is the definition of a "mature/ adult relationship" omg... I'm learning so much about patience and trust, it's ridiculous. I'm pretty proud of my ability to not be a psycho and text/call every fucking day.

It's too soon to say how I really feel about a person after dating for just a few months. Honestly, it's the feeling I get when I'm with them that I'm addicted to. I don't think I truly understood what I wanted until now, I think I just want love. But a very specific kind and that's something that has to happen naturally. Take slow, take it easy and enjoy the journey. Love will be there when the right person comes around.

I went bungee jumping! It was an experience... I remember standing on the ledge of this steel platform and looking straight at the target. I was focused and determined to have an awesome jump. Everything just blurred and slowed down. The guy counted, "3...2...1... BUUNNNGEEE" and I didn't give myself a chance to think, I just jumped/fell haha The ground came up fast and I remember feeling tense. My experience is summed up in flashes. Flash** view of the river coming into perspective, flash** view of underneath the bridge flash** the crowd of people standing on the ledge watching me/judging me. I felt stupid for panicking, I felt dumb for freaking out, I felt like I missed an opportunity to be excited to be alive. Instead I was overwhelmed with fear. You see... I jumped for them, I didn't jump for myself. I should've been me, completely and entirely myself. I wasn't. But... Luckily I can do this again and it'll be one hell of an experience because then, I'll jump for me and only me.

I've dated a lot. More than normal people... More than I'm willing to admit -.- I've met awesome humans and met some pretty lame ones too. I've been asked to commit and I've asked others to commit. After what's been a year of being "single" I'm still.. Well.. Single. I've learned a lot from dating, but the ultimate thing I've learned is we have to be continuously working on ourselves while still being vulnerable, and we have to learn how to control how much we invest in another person. We could be attracted to them, but we cannot give too much early on. It's weird, but it's nice. I feel like I'm holding myself up to a standard, rather than giving up everything fully. And honestly, if this guy I'm dating doesn't work out. I feel okay with it because this time around I was fully and completely myself. I invested enough and I was vulnerable enough, so I feel good. It's an even playing field. 👍