#jaeyi.dev

carefully making his way over to where baekhan was, he tried to ignore the sounds of rushing cars beneath them, it made his head spin. baekhan turned around, but quickly softened in seeing that it was jaeyi behind him.

“you should go back to the dorm, it’s late,” baekhan said, looking back to face the open air.

“and you shouldn’t?” jaeyi replied, “you’re coming back with me.”

“not yet,” baekhan protested, “just gimme a few minutes? i’ll come back in soon, i promise.”

jaeyi huffed. “fine, but i’m staying here with you,” he proclaimed as he sat down, back pressed against the cold railing. surprisingly, baekhan offered no sounds of protest, and slid down to match jaeyi’s sitting position, pulling his knees up to his chest.

they sat in silence for a few minutes, baekhan with his head between his knees and jaeyi with his head back against the rail trying to focus on his breathing. honestly just trying to focus on something other than the irrational scenario he’d come up with where the rail gave way and sent the two boys tumbling over the side of the building.

he decided to break the silence to take his mind off his irrational thinking, “is there anything bothering you? do you maybe... wanna talk about it?”

baekhan kept his head down “it’s nothing you can help with.”

jaeyi sighed, “maybe it’ll still help a little if you talk about it? i dunno i just- i don’t like seeing you like this, i wanna help.”

“it’s complicated,” baekhan said simply, “i don’t wanna dump all that on you. but i’ve managed to convince myself i’m not ready to debut.”

jaeyi looked up at him in disbelief. “you’ve been here for years, you’re more ready than i’ll ever be.”

“don’t say that. i wanna believe i’m ready,” baekhan muttered, “but- i don’t know, i’ve been so eager to debut for so long but now that it’s happening i’m like- scared, almost?”

jaeyi listened intently as baekhan continued, “not scared, really, i just don’t know how else to describe it. like, i just wanna run away, or something. i know it sounds pathetic-“

“nothing you say to me could sound pathetic. you’re allowed to feel like that,” jaeyi interrupted, “i get it, it’s nerve racking, but you’re crazy talented. you’ll regret it if you don’t debut now.”

baekhan sighed in exasperation, “i know,” he put his head back down and mumbled, “it what he would’ve wanted.”

jaeyi didn’t press. he didn’t know the “he” baekhan was referring to, but the possible intent behind that made his heart clench.

jaeyi could always tell baekhan was different from the other trainees. he’d always been quiet, he’d been distant and always looked like he was in a daze until the day they all learned they’d be members of botanica. he’d heard countless rumours about the older male, jaeyi always tried not to listen to rumours, but to his surprise, baekhan warmed up to him quickly.

not to say jaeyi didn’t wonder what it would be like after it was announced they’d be debuting together, along with four other boys.

“shit, i... okay- look-“ jaeyi started again, trying not to stumble over his words, “i’m not great at the whole, comforting and giving advice thing, and i don’t know what you’ve been through so it might be the wrong thing to say- but i think you’re one of the strongest people i know.”

baekhan lifted his head up again, and jaeyi continued, “and i- i know you’ll get through this, the kwon baekhan i’ve gotten to know so far wouldn’t give up so easily.”

“this sounds cliche, but maybe you don’t actually know kwon baekhan like you thought you did.”

“in any case,” baekhan stood up, brushing his pants off and yawning, “i’m fuckin’ exhausted. you probably are too, wanna go back now?”

“oh god yeah, anything to get off this roof,” jaeyi said half jokingly as he got up and started walking towards the stairwell.

“oh! but before we go in can i- uh-“

“what’s up?” baekhan asked.

“do you- are you okay with people touching you? do you like hugs? can i give you a hug?” jaeyi babbled.

baekhan laughed through his nose a little at jaeyi’s awkwardness, but ultimately responded, “yeah sure, but only for you,” it wasn’t clear if he was joking about that last part.

but jaeyi still let baekhan walk into his open arms and enveloped him in a tight hug. baekhan instinctively stiffened a little, and jaeyi loosened his grip.

“you smell like sweat,” baekhan laughed in a feeble attempt to not make the hug so awkward.

“you’re no better,” jaeyi retorted, “but at least it’s a sign we’re practicing hard, right?”

“also,” he continued, “can you please come to me if you’re having a hard time? i don’t know how well i can help, but i’ll give you some company at the very least. i don’t like seeing you sad, okay? we haven’t known each other for very long, but we’re friends, right? i care about you.”

baekhan had to turn away so jaeyi wouldn’t see him getting choked up. “thank you,” he responded quietly, “that means more than you’ll ever know.”

“but anyways,” he continued before he got too emotional for his own liking, “wanna go to bed? you look exhausted.”

“you should see yourself!” jaeyi exclaimed, already making his way through the door and down the stairwell, “but yes, please, to sleep we go.”

when they’d gotten back to the dorm, everyone was already asleep. with the lights out and half unpacked moving boxes scattered about, they had to be careful not to wake anyone. thank god they shared a room so they wouldn’t cause too much ruckus.

“i’m just gonna- go wash my face super quick, okay?” baekhan whispered, “i’ll come to sleep in a minute, you get in bed.”

“okay mom,” jaeyi said jokingly, but complied and headed towards their room. baekhan headed the opposite way, towards the bathroom.

once he’d locked himself in, he turned the tap on as hard as it would go so no one could hear him cry.

as his chest began to heave and hot tears spilled down his cheeks, he slid down the wall into a sitting position with his knees up to his chest, the same position he’d been in a few minutes prior on the roof with jaeyi. he wasn’t sad, quite the contrary actually, he was just... overwhelmed. overwhelmed at the support he was receiving? overwhelmed that someone was there to listen and offer help? overwhelmed that someone cared about him so much and wanted him to succeed since...

when his chest stopped heaving and he wiped his eyes, he thought about how he’d no doubt be kept awake that night that night thinking about what the hell he did to deserve such a good soul like han jaeyi as his friend.

and in their shared room, said han jaeyi laid flat on his back staring at the ceiling, thinking about what had just happened. he’d even gotten choked up himself at the potential weight behind the things baekhan had said earlier. his heart clenched at the thought of the possible things his friend had been through, the events that shaped him into the baekhan jaeyi had come to know in the past couple months.

baekhan made his way over to the ledge, gripping onto the rail as his way of keeping himself grounded. the cold midnight breeze and the view of the entire city below him was strangely comforting. he exhaled for what felt like the first time in an hour, and just stood there for a second, his elbows supporting his body as he leaned on the railing, trying to clear his mind.

he hated the fact that he just got up and left instead of trying to calm down. even when he couldn’t breathe and it felt like the panelled ceiling of the practice room was falling and caving on top of him, running away from his problems wasn’t gonna fix them. bolting out of the practice room and hiding wasn’t gonna do anything, it just made him look like a coward.

he lowered his head, trying to calm his shaky breathing and trying to take his mind off the fact that the word kept dancing around in his head. fraud, fraud, fraud.

baekhan wasn’t that hard to find. after jaeyi convinced tian to go back to the dorm and sleep after he snuck out for much longer than he was supposed to, the rooftop was one of the first places he checked. although he was deathly afraid of heights and his legs shook every time he went up there, jaeyi had to somehow convince him to come back down and go back to the dorm with him.

he breathed a sigh of relief when he carefully pushed open the door to the roof and saw baekhan standing near the edge, leaning on the rail.

“baek?” he called as he made his way over to where the older stood, trying to block out the sound of cars rushing below them that made his head spin. baekhan whipped his head around quickly, but softened seeing it was just jaeyi. his eyes looked puffy.

“shouldn’t you be back at the dorm?” he asked.

“i came to look for you, you know i wouldn’t go back without you.”

“i know my way back,” baekhan replied cooly, “or are you trying to make sure i don’t off myself.”

jaeyi hesitated, “kind of? anyway- i’m talking you back to the dorm now. you need rest.”

baekhan sighed, “can we just stay out here for a minute? i need some fresh air, i promise i’ll come back after.”

jaeyi gulped, surpressing the urge to projectile vomit down the side of the building onto an unsuspecting driver below for the sake of his friend. “yeah, we can stay for a minute. i’m staying with you to make sure you come back.”

surprisingly, baekhan nodded in compliancy. “that’s fine,” he replied, turning around to slide down to a sitting position with the rail supporting his back, “i just need a minute.”

jaeyi sat down next to him, and the two sat in silence for a few minutes. although jaeyi was worrying about the possibility of the rail somehow giving way from the weight of the two scrawny boys and sending them tumbling over the edge, to eventually land in a sad pile as a gift to some poor pedestrian that just so happened to be walking at the wrong time.

“is there anything that’s bothering you? you don’t have to tell me, i just don’t want you to keep everything from me- i guess?” jaeyi asked.

“nothing that you can really help with,” baekhan mumbled.

“well- just tell me what’s on your mind, please? i might not be able to help, but maybe having someone listen will make it better?”

baekhan sighed, “maybe. it’s kind of complicated though.”

“try me,” jaeyi replied confidently.

nervously drumming his fingers on the concrete of the ground, he quickly said, “i’m not ready to debut.”

jaeyi blinked, “you’re being serious?” when baekhan nodded quickly, he continued, “you’re more ready than all five of us combined, where’d you get that from?”

“...because i’m not ready?” baekhan looked at jaeyi like it was the most obvious thing in the world, “have you seen my dancing? daniel has tried to help me so many times, and i’m still a horrible dancer. i don’t know how he’s so patient when i want to punch myself in the face every time i mess up the choreography.”

“i think your dancing is good...” jaeyi said quietly before baekhan continued, his eyes glossy from welling tears.

“i’m not ready, i don’t want to debut yet, i don’t even deserve to be here. you and daniel try to help, straighten your back, stick this move with your arms, chest out, neck straight, and i can’t fucking get it. i don’t know why i’m here. i’d probably be working at a fast food restaurant or something if i wasn’t here. i don’t deserve it, i’m not talented enough, i’m a fraud.”

jaeyi stiffened, not sure how to respond. he felt horrible knowing that his friend was going through this right under his nose and he had no clue. this wasn’t the confident, talented baekhan jaeyi thought he knew when he joined the company a few months prior. seeing him in a weak, vulnerable state like this filled him with an intense feeling of sonder. everyone around him, although they may have appeared fine, were living their own set of problems right underneath the surface that no one, or just a select few people even know about. but one thing was for sure, if kwon baekhan was anything, a fraud was most definitely not one of those things.

“you’re not a fraud,” jaeyi replied, and quickly added, “never were, and never will be.”

“you might think so,” baekhan quickly wiped a few stray tears away that had leaked down his cheeks and lowered his head again, letting his hair obscure part of his face, “i feel like it though. don’t bother asking why. i don’t know but i also do know.”

“i see,” jaeyi nodded slowly, “sorry- i’ve never been good with stuff like this.”

“no, it’s okay, it was actually good to get that off my chest, actually. i’ve never really said any of that out loud to anyone before,” baekhan reassured the younger.

“well- if you ever need to get anything else off your chest, come to me,” jaeyi said, “or jiwon, or sangwoo- eh no maybe not sangwoo, hanryeol- eh- tian- eh? maybe? me or jiwon would probably be your best bet, actually.”

baekhan laughed, and when he saw that jaeyi was starting to yawn, he said, “should we head back now? it’s late.”

“yeah, no shit it’s late,” jaeyi laughed with him, already starting to get up, “if you’re ready to go back, then yeah. i’d love to get off of this roof.”

“right,” baekhan followed, standing up as well. he almost felt lighter, like he could stand slightly straighter now, “that was refreshing.”

“you need sleep, i swear, have you seen yourself?” baekhan touched his face at that, and although he couldn’t see himself he could practically feel the dark circles under his eyes from the lack of sleep he’d gotten that past week.

“before we go back, c’mere,” jaeyi held his arms out, and when baekhan cautiously scooted closer, he grabbed him and enveloped him in a tight hug, baekhan immediately stiffening.

“you smell like sweat,” baekhan laughed, crinkling his nose.

“so do you,” jaeyi replied, “and can you please come to me next time you’re having trouble with something?”

“i’ll try,” baekhan mumbled into the taller boy’s chest, “oh god, what would i do without you, i swear.”

“ew, enough of that sappy shit- let’s get back now, or i’ll pass out in the elevator on the way back!” jaeyi said, loosening his grip around the shorter boy’s torso.