Four years removed, a whole college degree in hand, and a vast future in front of him. Yet, seeing Will made him go back to that day, the day when his whole world crumbled. If he closed his eyes he could still hear the thunder, the way it was so silent in between the deep claps as Will stared at him, disbelief in his eyes and an angry tremble to his body. The sound, image, smell, and feeling of that moment was permanently etched behind his eyelids. He could never escape it. He isn’t sure he ever wants to. That was his karma.

“Mack?” Will’s voice had matured, and Macklin’s mind wandered. What had he been doing in these past few years? What new scars does he have? In between 18 and 22, Will’s voice had matured, he had grown into his body a lot more, and he was a whole new man. It made the pit grow further until it felt like all his organs were falling in.

“Oh, hey!” Macklin replied, a smile on his face as Will looked at him, coming closer so they were side by side at the bar. He did everything he could to avoid actually looking at him, afraid that looking at Will would reveal his emotions. Will had a bright smile on his face when Macklin had the balls to look at him. The last time he had really spoken to him had been that day, and the conflicting images made his head dizzy.

“How are you, Big?” Will asked, using Mack’s childhood nickname. The one he had given him when Macklin had moved to Boston. It made his heart hurt, in the way that only Will could. “What’re you up to? Your mom told my mom that you graduated in May.”

“Yeah! I’ve just been here with Dad, training under him.” Will’s smile flinched at that and Macklin should’ve known better. He was out of practice with skirting around his relationship with his father. Everyone at college just thought it was cool that his dad was the medical director for the Celtics. They never had the personal insight into his relationship with him.

“What have you been up to?” He added on. Will’s body closed up instantly and it pinged in the back of Macklin’s head.

“Just,” Will paused and the sirens in Macklin’s head got louder. “Here for a bachelor party.”

Macklin hummed, taking a sip of his beer. He wasn’t dumb, he could piece it together. “Congratulations. How long have you been with them?”

Will looked surprised, like he thought he was vague enough. Maybe if it had been someone else, someone who had not known him since childhood, he would have been. But, he was speaking to Macklin. Macklin knew him, even after years apart. He had been there when Will’s tells were just being developed.

“Three and a half years.” It was quiet, whispered into his drink like he didn’t want Macklin to hear. Macklin didn’t want to hear, but he did anyway. He didn’t know why he was surprised. They’d been no contact for four years. Rather, it seemed, Macklin had been no contact with Will.

Macklin just smiled at Will, but Will did not smile back. He stared into his drink, like he could find what he was looking for in there. He opened his mouth to say something before closing it again. Will cleared his throat and tried again.

“I-“ Macklin couldn’t stand to look at him any longer, so he dropped the fake smile and looked away, staring ahead as he waited for Will to gather whatever he was trying to say “I’m happy. I have a dream job here in Boston. My fiancée, Logan, she’s at Harvard law.”

“That’s great, Kibs. Happy for you.” It sounded hallow and dropped between like a stone, awkward and heavy.

“Macklin.” Will sighed “It’s been four years.”

“I know. It’s crazy how fast time goes by.” Macklin tried to brush off what he knew Will was attempting to say.

“No, Big. It’s been four years. You are mad at me, and it’s been four years.” Will tried again. Macklin couldn’t even look at him as he scraped out an empty laugh.

“No, Will. I’m not mad at you. It’s been four years. All four I have spent knowing I’m in the wrong for what happened.” He couldn’t even say what he had done, what had happened. “Look, I’m happy for you. You’re doing well, that’s great. You’re about to get married and I know that’s your dream. The big wedding, the 3 kids, the picket fence, you’re about to have it all and I’m happy to see that.”

“But?” Will prompted. Macklin hates that he knows there’s a but, even if he tried to mask it. The perils of growing up side by side, attached at the hip and also of being in a three year relationship for some of the most formative years of their lives.

“But nothing. What’s done is done. We all experiment as a teen, I get it.” Will’s eyes grew soft and sad when Macklin dared to look at him. He didn’t want that pity.

“Big,” Will mumbled softly, low and slow like he was trying to find what words to say to crush Macklin “It wasn’t an experiment. I loved you. You were my first love and that ended but that doesn’t mean you weren’t the first in everything for me. It doesn’t mean that I don’t like guys. Obviously, I like guys, I was with you for three years.”

Macklin snorted, shaking his head. “No, I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to hash this out, I don’t want you to reassure me that what we had was real. I know it was real, Will. It’s not real anymore, though and I have spent-“ He paused, trying to gather himself so he doesn’t spill all of his secrets.

“Macklin, please.” Will says softly, almost begging. That is all.

“Please, what?” The beer was stale when Macklin takes a sip and he wants to throw up. But he needs something to fill the space so he doesn’t end up telling Will everything.

“Please just talk to me about what is happening. I manage to catch you for the first time in four years and I update you about my life and you look at me like I stabbed your Mom and then brush it off as if I can’t see the anger in your face. Why are you angry at me? Why haven’t you spoken to me in four years when I reached out so many times that I looked insane? I had to ask your Mom about you because you weren’t responding.” Will was waving his hands around and gesturing, making it obvious that they were arguing. Macklin could see the curious stares around them.

“Why does it matter? You’re going to get married. I’m just your ex. I cheated on you, if you don’t remember. You went to college and I freaked and cheated. And, then we broke up when I told you and that’s what you do when you breakup, especially when one of you cheats. You don’t talk, you forget you ever met, and you move on. Yet, I can’t seem to move on. So, here we are, four years after we broke up and I’m still stuck on you and you got with someone six months after we broke up. And you’re getting married.” Macklin knew he couldn’t even blame Will for moving on so soon.

If he had been in Will’s place, he would’ve gotten with the first person who offered and rubbed it in Will’s face for eternity. But, Will was better than him. Will was always better than him.

he himself told max that he didn’t tempt him to fuck in a church, he didn’t even have time to deal with max, too busy dealing with actual sinners. max was just gay and had an insane amount of catholic guilt. but hell was punishment and max’s punishment was to be the dynamic demon duo with another gay 19 year old, only this one was from monaco and obnoxious. he had apparently committed the sin of fucking the priest and then managed to have a very early in life heart attack.

(“he was so hot, max. i had to!”)

max had been working with charles for 40 years. that’s a long time to spend with someone when both of you had passed away at 19 and were forever demon-ized in those bodies and minds. if he looked super deep within he could even admit that charles was his best friend.

daniel, the devil, had them working on the sinner example enforcement division (SEED for short much to max’s chagrin), going out and seducing Actual Real Life Sinners in order to entrap them and enforce that they made terrible mistakes that were actually important to the devil. like trafficking and abusing people. many of them, much to charles’ chagrin and disgust, resided in monaco, which meant that max and charles had to go there often to perform their jobs. they often donned the skins of socialites in order to properly entrap them.

daniel, despite popular opinion, was not the ever eternal enticer but rather the ever eternal enforcer. he was not the opposite of the upside (what he called Heaven) but actually their guard dog, making sure that humans didn’t stomp over each other’s free will. in the event they did, they were swiftly met with punishment, one that hopefully set them straight enough to run tail tucked back to church and having morals.

he sent charles and max out to do the dirty work before he came in, dressed like the worst millennial one has ever seen and met. he was always floating for some reason, maybe to really pack the punch that he was The Devil and he was alive (kinda) to deliver holy justice.

often, the Big Sinners would proverbially spit in his face and brag about what they’ve done. that usually brought in the wrath of daniel, red horns sprouting, tail whipping faster than a human eye can see as he struck them, lashing them. the end of his tail was like a hot poker, searing into their skin and lasting longer than humanly possible.

most gave in after that; some didn’t. so he would lash them again, telling them to repent. if they didn’t repent, he would continue to do it until they did or until their soul joined the three of them, which they would drag back to Hell and throw into the fiery pits.

while charles and max had committed sins, they never hurt anyone. they just offended God. that’s why they were demons rather than spirits, they had the ability to exist even if they had already passed. most souls that came to Hell were souls that needed to be sent up the upside, a few were those who needed to be sent to neutral grounds while the angel courts debated their lives. an even smaller few were those who needed to actually be thrown into the pits. the smallest few would be turned into either angels or demons.

when max met his first angel, a boy named lando, he was shocked to learn that lando was also gay, like him and charles. and had acted upon it. the difference was that he had not offended God, but rather had acted graciously in his name for his entire short life.

max was even more shocked to learn that daniel had selected both him and charles to be demons.

(“i had a soft spot for you both! two gay boys who had both done something homosexual and personally offended toto within days of each other. and then died? sign me up!” god presented himself as a 6’5 austrian dilf. it was very odd, the first time max had met him. god was hot.)

the minor Big Sinners would usually just shit themselves at the appearance of daniel, even without his horns and with his dorky backwards hat. but the whole floating bit did probably help, as well as his candy red tail being held up menacingly, threatening even if daniel had his dimples out and smile on. max doesn’t know if he’d personally be scared of daniel in that form, but he thinks he’s probably biased based off the fact that he watched daniel sob over the notebook a few too many times to count.

(charles tells max that it’s actually probably because he wants to have sex with daniel. charles doesn’t know what he’s talking about. max tells him so, but charles counters that he has a boyfriend and max doesn’t. max personally thinks that the angel that charles fucked after a session of angel court doesn’t count, but who is he to actually say. that angel has been around for like. at least 10 years.

actually max is pretty sure that the angel, who has a name that max refuses to ever acknowledge that he remembers, has been living with them for the past 5 years. he does see sebastian often. like every day after his shift as daniel’s PA.)

their duties after they repent are usually done. some of them take another enforcement session. most of them have the fear of toto put into them and don’t ever commit a big enough sin to ping on their radar.

most of being a demon is just: sit around with charles, being daniel’s assistant, and enforcing the laws of heaven. it’s pretty boring, which is probably the actual punishment to his offense of toto. he gets to be out of his mind bored for eternity or until daniel dies. daniel is a young devil incarnation, but he’s still going to die someday, once society has evolved for a new god, devil, and court. the demons that he created will go with him. nobody wants to serve a new master, especially demons. especially max.

if he reaches deep down, even past the part that admits charles is actually his best friend, he sees that he quite likes daniel. daniel made sure that he always had a friend, daniel always made sure that he knew that his sin wasn’t being gay, it was fucking in a church, and he made sure that max felt comfortable in his after-life. as comfortable as a demon could feel.

if he reached the deepest, most barren hidden parts of himself, he could admit that he wanted to kiss daniel. what type of demon decides that he wants to fuck the devil? not for power but just because he thinks that The Devil is quite sweet and always makes him laugh.

The Devil is delightfully immature while also guiding max through the after life and an infinity of service to the heavens and earth with a maturity that surprises.

max had once asked daniel when he had become The Devil. daniel had looked away before saying he wasn’t exactly sure of the year because it was the middle of the war. the war to end all wars, and he was deep in it, fighting in the Australian army when he got taken. he woke up to toto staring at him with a curled lip and rolled eyes, muttering about the previous devil and his choice of a protégé. he was the new incarnation, as there was a new extreme evil that had been brewing. they never really said what but it was easy to tell the implications, the way the world had seemed to be falling apart.

corporate greed and exploitation was probably what called about a new incarnation, of god, the devil, and all the heavenly figures. who knew, for sure? all they could say was that the universe had decided that it was time, and when it was time for them to go, they would know.

daniel had seen the way the world moves. the way it evolved and devolved. it reflected on his bright red eyes, the mirroring of the flames. that was also the natural appearance of the devil, a reflection of fire in cherry red eyes, but daniel’s eyes always seemed to take on more a brown tint when he spoke of his past, turning slightly sad and dark.

This isn’t an award show speech but this is a very important project to me and something that I’ve been working on for a while so I do want to give thanks.

First of all, thank you to my artist Cove who without I would not have actually finished this project! Hir art was actually a driving piece behind my push to finish even when I wanted to scrap everything and had maybe…12 hours left to get it all done! The care and love ze gave Max and Daniel made me so happy and made me want to write something worthy of the art. I’m not sure I managed but I tried! @nobrakesdown

I would also like to thank Juno for her valuable insight and help when I was freaking out over this project. She helped me feel comfortable and confident in my writing and is one of my greatest writing influences and muses LOL, the amount of help she has put into every single one of my ideas is immeasurable. She also is the one who got me into f1! @yujaeist

Also a huge thank you to @f1bb mods for running this whole thing, because you all are stronger soldiers than me! This is a lot to do and I could not do it.

And, to my best friend, @mercury-bb who was there when I first conceived this idea on their couch, thank you for always believing in me and also encouraging me to finish LMFAO I was really stressing about it.

Thank you to Eastern Washington for being a shit hole that I love and hate. This place is my home, and it always will be. It’s beautiful, it’s awful, it’s boring, it’s the best place I’ve ever seen. It’s home. And in this universe it’s home to Max and Daniel, for better or for worse. Everyone I know always returns, because that’s what this place is. It’s awful and it’s the only place I’ll probably settle down to. If you don’t know what the Hanford project is, look it up. That’s what this place is, that’s where I grew up. It’s a disaster, but it’s what I know.

Finally, thank you to anyone who has ever read my works, seen my silly tumblr posts, dropped a like, dropped a kudos, commented, sent an ask. Every note I get on my writing just makes me want to write more and again, without you, I wouldn’t have finished it.

I am so sorry that this is so long but finishing this fic has made me reflect and it’s my most personal published project to date, so I just wanted to show my gratitude.