#jacksonpara

He paused as she questioned who he was trying to convince. Staring at her, then grinned, before he laughed “W-What? Noo…one. I'm not trying to convince anyone. No.” Yes, he was, he wanted people to be convinced he was great. Perfect, even. The greatest person they could ever meet! He is, the greatest person someone could meet. But, now, people usually just said he was love bombing. Or. he was manipulating everyone. Was it so bad just to want to be liked, loved, even? Perhaps, worshiped for how great he really was.

Was it really so wrong to do and to want these things? As long as he didn't hurt anyone, he didn't think it was so wrong to want these things. But, regardless of never hurting anyone, he still was mistreated for showing such … obsessions? Maybe that's what they thought his needs were. Too much a burden to give him. So he had to be manipulative, he had to be love bombing. He was always up to some abusive thing, so they could rid themselves of him.

Maybe he was delusional, however. And he was just love bombing, he was just an abuser, manipulating others into giving him love, or attention. But the thought of that, hurt so much. He didn't think he was hurting people! Blinking away the sudden wateriness of his eyes, he glanced to the ground. Maybe this too, was just another manipulation he was playing. He couldn't cry over this, or she might get angry.

A grin formed on his lips, once his eyes had dried again, he lifted his head up at her question “Oh yeah! I'm great. Just great. Nothing fazes me, you know. I'm always good.” He gave a hallowed laugh “Sure. Frozen yogurt doesn't sound bad at all.” It was not easy, he had learned, to talk about these things. Or people would call him horrible things, and he would feel like a monster. He didn't want to be a monster. He couldn't help these things that he did, either.

He didn't truly understand what he was doing wrong, asking to be loved. These thoughts hurt, maybe that was the sign he always ignored, telling him he was a monster. A sharp sting hit him in the chest, and he brought a hand up, cupping it over his heart and taking a few deep breaths “Talk? About what, though? I-I'm sorry. I'm-” His heart was pounding in his chest. He thought that, if they did talk, she might see him as a monster too, that whatever he said, he was just manipulating her. He didn't want to be hated!

Jackson swallowed a thick knot forming in his throat “Maybe, what would we have to talk about? Not our feelings, right? God.” He rolled his eyes.

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Jackson stiffened at those words. His mouth partially dried for a brief moment before he realized how awkward he must have appeared then, tilting his head slightly, he grinned, before briefly giving a frown “What? Insecure? Where'd you- Why do you think that?” He was clearly confused, how could anyone think that he was insecure? What had they seen? A small panic began to fill his chest as thoughts began to fill his mind one his doing something to make him…seem off. As a celebrity, he was expected to appear pristine, and perfect. It was a perfect career for someone like him. Pretending. Being what he was not. Hiding what he really was from the rest of the world.

But, not all of the world was that oblivious. Sometimes someone peaked behind the curtain a bit too much. Found something he had buried deep. Perhaps he had failed to keep it deeper than he thought, a moment of weakness. A moment of humanness. The monster inside growing in rage at this peak. He was unhappy. But he hated that. He hated if others seen him in a way that he did not wish to be seen. Being seen as what he was, only made others believe him to be some sort of monster. He did not want to be a monster. But…there were things he could not help. Things he could not hide. The monster he did not want, came out.

Swallowing thickly, Jackson takes in a deep breath, feeling the awkwardness grow with the silence, “I'm totally happy! What? Why wouldn't I be happy?” Laughing lightly, he shakes his head, “I'm living a life most people only dream about. People love me, love what I can do for them.” He went on, sure he was probably rambling a bit, “I can have anything I want, and most people would just jump at the chance to get it for me.” He stopped then, realizing he was talking too much. The monster wanted that, people to do what he wanted, to love him, no matter what. He needed it like fish need water. Or humans needed air. That attention, that control over others. To be loved, no matter what was better than all the drugs he had ever done before.

Lydia walked into her bathroom and shut the door. She undressed herself and turned on the hot water, sitting on the edge of the tub and adjusting the temperature until it was the way she liked. She then stood up and stepped inside, shutting the curtain and turning on the shower. As the water ran down her face and body, she shivered slightly, trying to adjust. She began thinking of anything and everything and it really made her feel like she was going to just fall apart right there. Everything was worrying her. However, she was expecting a visit from Jackson some time soon, she just wasn't sure when. That had her the most nervous, because she didn't know what she was going to say to him. She had spent most of the following day with Stiles, and honestly, she knew that he'd be the best choice. But she also couldn't afford to lose Jackson. She didn't want him to disappear either. She knew that she was basically all he had, and she didn't want to just give up on him. She figured that she'd just take a little more time to clear her head and think about things before rushing in. The time alone would do her good. 

Lydia took a deep breath and closed her eyes, hugging her knees sitting on top of her bed. She had been so stressed out lately, and it made everything so much worse considering she was alone. She looked down at her phone, checking to see if she had any new messages. She didn't. She got up and walked over to her mirror, looking at her reflection. She looked absolutely horrible. Her face was streaked with black mascara which was strange considering she didn't even know she had been crying. She used the sleeve of her robe to wipe away the make-up, and she ran a hand through her light red hair. She walked back into her bedroom, waiting for Jackson. She had to explain to him how she really felt, because with her being so stubborn and holding it in, it just drove her insane. She had enough on her plate, and she didn't need this adding to it.