#jackson fields

Genevive stood motionless in front of the eerily desolate house. The bottom side of her hand thumped along with her heart where she had been pounding on the front door for a good five minutes. His car was in the driveway, she knew he was home. And she knew that he heard her knocking. He was stuffed away in that old stale room of theirs, drifting further and further away from reality. She hadn’t seen him in a long time. Only a handful since the funeral. Mostly just in passing. Her and Ianthe had taken care of the kids a couple of times, so they would see him for a few seconds then, but he would excuse himself and run back to the old room. They had come over to clean the house for him and Jess, and make dinner for them all a couple of times too. It was always the same. A new excuse and a dash away from the ones who cared. Well, she was fed up. She knew he was breaking inside. No, she knew he was broken inside since the moment he found out Anna had passed. She realized that and she was sympathetic with him for it too, but she also knew that if things didn’t change, they weren’t just going to lose Anna, if they hadn’t already lost him yet. She cupped her hand over her eyes and peered into the house, hoping to get some glimpse of Jackson, but all she saw was darkness. Shadows casted along the dark hallway and emerged from the windows and every room she could see. It wasn’t like that when she was still here. Anna was the light inside the house, and without her, it was a lot of this, emptiness and darkness. 

Gen gave the large door another good couple of thumps, wondering if maybe she should start yelling. She just knew that if she started, there was no chance in her stopping. It was hard. One of the hardest things she’s ever had to do. Not only did she feel herself like she let Anna down, but now she was letting her best friend wither away in that stupid room of theirs, and he wasn’t making it easy. His name on the tip of her tongue, the door swung open, startling her backwards. She had to keep herself from gasping as she saw him. His hair was much shaggier now than in recent years. And his beard took up his whole lower jaw. If circumstances were different, it could almost look good on him. Only, his eyes, before had been filled with light and joy and laughter, all things Anna brought into his life, but now were dark, tired, and dead. Black circles surrounded his sunken in eyes, and his smile was nonexistent at this point. Gen wanted to hug him. And punch him for doing this to himself. But mainly hug him. Instead, she mustered up a smile, and let herself into the house. 

 "Nice of you to finally show your face,“ She tried to lighten the mood, but it fell short between them. ”The place looks better. Since we saw it last. Jess is doing good? The kids?“ She asked, trying to nudge the answers from him. Jackson shrugged. ”Listen, why don’t you put the kettle on, hmm? We need to talk.“

With a steaming hot cup of tea between them, Genevive and Jackson sipped at their mugs, looking off in their own directions at nothing in particular. Gen tapped absently on the side of her ceramic cup to the rhythm of a show tune Ianthe had been humming that morning. She looked around the kitchen and saw just how much it hadn’t change. They hadn’t taken down any of Anna’s personal touches and all her little knickknacks. It was all very much her. This made Gen smile into her chamomile. It was almost like she was still here when she saw the place. But then she turned to look at Jackson, and it was back to reality. She wasn’t. And that’s why they were here. Jackson finally let out a hearty sigh as she sat up straighter in the chair, running an aged hand over his beard. 

“Why are you here, Gen? Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to see you, but I sort of have some errands to run, so we need to make this quick, if you don’t mind?” Gen scoffed, setting down her cup. The warmth in her hands made her feel a little better. 

“Right. Errands. You know, if you answered your phone every once in a while, I wouldn’t be so inclined to make house visits. We need to know if you’re still with us, Jackson.”

 He took a long sip from his own cup, trying to either avoid Gen’s eyes, the question, or the whole situation in general.  "I’m here.“ Genevive cocked an eyebrow. ”Honest. I’m doing better.“ 

”Better.“ She rolled the word over in her mouth, leaving her with a bitter taste. It made her want to laugh. ”Bullshit.“ She spit, catching Jackson off guard. ”Just…bullshit Jackson. You’re not doing better. Wanna know how I know?“ He didn’t seem inclined to answer so she kept going. ”Because no one is doing better. None of us, not a single one, is doing better, after three years. So it’s bullshit when you say you are, out of all people. How are you, Jackson, really?“ A sort of fire ignited in Jackson’s eyes as he glared over the mug to Genevive, who glared right back. It was like that for a moment, until Jackson gave. He sat his cup down on the table, rubbing his hand over his eyes like he was wiping away memories.

Maybe it was because they had known each other for so many years. Maybe it was Gen’s personality taken way. Maybe it was just all the strain of keeping things in for years, but finally Jackson Fields gave and a sniffling could be heard in the silent kitchen.

”I feel like shit.“ He whispered. 

”Look like it too.“ This made Jackson chuckle, even just a bit. 

”Yeah, I know. I don’t know Gen…I just don’t know anymore.“ Genevive, pushing the empty mug off to the side, reached across the table to take Jackson’s hand in her own. She gave it a tight squeeze and smiled gently at him. 

”You told me everything, once upon a time. Let me in, Jackson. Please? I may not be able to help, god knows, but…maybe I can take off some of the burden.“ She pleaded. Jackson cleared his throat and stared out of the kitchen window. 

”It’s all too much sometimes. I miss her so much, Gennie. And the kids…I’ve missed out on so much of their lives because I’ve shut myself away. They’re hurting just as much, and I haven’t been there for them. I’ve let Jess do everything and let her deal with the pain by herself too…and I’ve put you and Ianthe through hell. I’m a pathetic excuse for a person.“ He chocked out, giving Genevive’s hand a tight squeeze.

She held on as tight as she could, afraid if she were to let go, Jackson would go with it. Her heart broke when she got the call, Ianthe’s too. And the kids were heart broken along with them. But even experiencing her own pain, she could never even imagine what Jackson was going through. There is no way she could ever imagine what it would be like if she were to lose Ianthe. So she couldn’t tell him she knew how it felt. That would be a lie. But she could let him get it all out, and right now he needed to. It was killing him to have it all bottled up inside.

”Jackson, you are not pathetic. You are in mourning. Everyone experiences it differently. This is just how you dealt with it…“ Listening to her words, Jackson managed a almost there smile in response. ”How about I make us another cup? I think we’ll be here for a while.“

”Alright…hey Gen?“ She stopped halfway over to the stove, turning around to hear him better. ”Thank you.“