#jackquack

Its been a while since ive posted here. And you know what/ who always inspires me to post, or reminisce. You basically activate a buried part of me - creativity, longingness, peace, calm, nostalgia, hellplessness - that comes every now and then.

I looked back at pictures of you again, videos of us in which i wish we took more. your voice was so comforting yet it made me so sad. A part of my life in which i miss greatly. I felt again the sense of lowliness and knew, in my ehart of hearts, the submission and eggshells i had with you, not wanting to disappoint, changing myself to make sure i fit into you. This i know, is why we cannot be.

Id hate to think about the number of people youve been with since us. Since that blurry night with the wet dew in the park. And i know, the reality of it is that you may not even think of me ever. 

It makes me happy yet sad to think that you might be in exactly the same spot where i left you. Its so hard to know what youre doing in life and i guess that uncertainty is a link in the chain that holds me still to your memory.  Out of all the boys, youre the one that still draws me in 8 years later; and i think you will for years to come. 

I want to shout to the world about you.  be it 3 years ago when we were in love; or now, when we are nothing really. i still want to tell everyone because

i almost forgot how poetic you are, and last night i was reminded why i was in love with you but last night i was also reminded of why i was not

Amongst all the heavy things we talked about, i did not tell you this but i think i’ll always love you, you always will be special to me and hold a soft spot in my heart. i will always care for you but i know now i am not the one to fix you. i will be there if you need me, always, but i wont be the one to keep trying to make you better. and thats for your sake and mine

Drives, CDs and spag bol. Bloody hawaiin shirt, ute, a smoke. - Im so happy to see that somethings dont change, but im so sad for you at the same time.it seems that youve been at a constant downhill and it hurts, it really does, to know that you are resigned to feeling that way. it was dark but your face seemed weathered and beaten, aged. your eyes though, they still sparkle and i get lost in their blue, even through the sadness and struggle.

but i hope you see that I understand, ive been there and maybe i still am there. we are both dark people in dark places. but i know my place now and i will keep my distance with ease

you kept saying that i am smart, and youve always said that. i like it but i cant help but feel a little bad, perhaps a little sorry even.

last night was great, you are a weird addictive pain, an intertwine of sadness, hope, poetry, badass, nonchalance, care, failures, hopes and a friend. bottom line, you are special to me and will always be, years on. and you are my favourite person to write about

it was very good to see you, and be reminded of the adventures we had and the love that we shared. im more convinced thatn ever that it was genuine, and 3 years on, i find my closure in the most unlikely circumstance and in the weirdest night - mozzie bitten ankles and arse, grassy dew on bare back, cold breeze with the warmth of your body, your face pressed against mine once again.

The reeking scent ive always despised; The aura around the one i love. now theyre one and the same. I breathe and take it in flinching, but unable to let go.

i worry, but its so appealing i dont want this to be the way you die

an angel deserves a halo bright and beaming Not to be shrouded in a cape of smokey grey and glowing red Buzzing and hot burning and addictive.

You are Magic.

you're amazing, new, surreal and unlikely, all built into a form; gorgeously and tall, adventurous and lived.

You are something i never had before, yet something i have known a for lifetime. You are a contradiction.

You let me grow in your energy, feel confident when i smile and at ease when i lie with you on impromptu nights and night time days. But then again, you make me melt in your eyes- the very essence of me trickling down while you drink me in. And when you touch my hand & trace my fingers, i shrink into myself; i shrink into us.

Tell me, How do you make time pass so fast, when actually it is merely just trickling by? I know that the clocks and calendars are bluntly lying. Because Tell me, Has it only been the weekend?

______

You are Surreal.

I'll breathe in your scent- past the smoke and booze because i know thats you underneath, even though i dont know you at all. 

But somethings telling me that that is the best part.

You make moments into memories. You are Magic.

______

You are the Lie. Because all that ive known, you seemed to have disproved.  Things that I've experienced and the actions ingrained in my muscle memory, you have showed me better. Then again,  So maybe, just maybe,

You are the Truth.

Its hard not to get lost in you- your lips your stories your movement your gaze. Your heartbeat and your scars, your laughter and your speech.  Our differences intertwine & lace up like our fingers, strengthening what i never thought could be. Dont Let Me Go.

You are Magic.

_______ Perhaps there might not be anything poetic about this, perhaps nothing about me or nothing about you. Perhaps nothing romantic, no moral lessons, no tear jerking