use me. abuse me

On Creature Comfort MV. On the fact that i have been lost; lost for a while and not even knowing it. It is like, when i first made the decision to start this journey, the hedge maze seemed like such a wonderful novelty, one that i had to advertise i was in, through pictures, posts, prints on my jumper. It was mostly fun and games and laughter for a conclusion i wasnt quite clear on.

The more time passed, the more i traversed on, the deeper i went and the more committed I had to be. To my credit, I was still bright eyed and bushy tailed. i loved it. but somewhere along the way, darkness crept closer to surround me, then to engulf me.

The sad reality is that I didnt see it coming. I dont know when this change happened and when cynicism set in. Perhaps i had my priorities all wrong from the start. Perhaps i shouldve done more research. Perhaps it was just the path i took that moulded me to who i was, somewhere midway through the maze. Maybe it was always destined to feel like this, maybe fate twisted something along the way.

I never knew any other path. I wish i knew what i do now, 13 years ago. I am not sure what i wouldve done, maybe exactly the same thing because i'll find it quite hard to believe that it'll be THAT bad. Maybe i shouldve done more research, had more experience... but at that stage, going through life really meant winging it and doing whatever i want without thinking heavily about the consequences.

And now: I am lost

I have been trying so desperately (probably for the past 3 years now) to really find myself and find satisfaction and find JOY in what im doing; how im living. I want this to be my big break.

My mind is zipping, fizzy, giddy, blurry. I want... i need this to work so that i can finally find a balance and work towards being happy. It seems that i cannot be happy with the things that i have, but rather, always unhappy with the things that i dont.. its a bad way to live.

___

life is not a board game where your character hops 1 space at a time towards the finish line - well, it shouldnt be anyways. Rather, I am standing still, enjoying the now, and abundance is heading towards me. I embrace everything that comes my way because it is so destined to. success, happiness, wealth, satisfaction, love, meaning, life.

i keep trying to remind myself that my rose tinted glassess and fluffy ideas of what could be has been influenced by unrealistic expectations in movies and social media. Its hard to snap out of it and settle for less, because there is always hope that i could one day achieve what i so desire.

its at a point these days where it feels like i am yearning so badly for something, i want tog ive up on the things that i have with you if i cannot achieve it. thats absurd and i know i will keep fighting for us.

is it because of the conveniece? how its comfortable? or how messy it is if we go separate ways? is it out of what we must do instead of what we want to?

we are getting married for godsake. and so far, its been naively going through the motions. happy, dont get me wrong, but not matured enough to have the hard conversations comfortably. they pop up every now and then, and it makes me wish i was more emotionally mature. mature and less defensive that i can actually fully embrace the change that sometimes i need to implement.

im scared, yet settled at the same time. its hard to move forward when i see you as an anchor sometimes. is it because im getting external influences about how to be a better person, and you arent because you are happy the way you are?

is it my crave for change and uneasiness when staying in the same spot? when we did our earthworks and shed, that made me content and so happy, that i could live here forever. but that feeling faded just as i thought it would, and now: whats the next project? the next thing to excite me?

maybe it isnt a bad thing if i can channel it into something constructive?

Ive been feeling quite lost recently. and i think that ive lost connection with my thoughts and emotions, im finding it not only hard to express and put words/meaning/ explanations as to what im feeling, but also ive maybe forgotten how to feel.

it currently feels like im doing so much yet nothing at all. feels like im doing everything but its not enough. Im not satisfied. I feel mentally and spiritually lost. like i constantly am jumping from one project to the next to find my purpose. And i havnt found it yet

i thought it was hyperfixation, maybe it is.

i guess i first noticed it during covid where i really got into tiktok and seeing everyone's small businesses really sparked something in me (which i realised, now, today, just then, that it might be my crave for independence and being my own boss. doing my own thing. in control of it, of my time, of my decisions). anywho, thats the latest theory, who knows what may change.

embroidery dog biscuits metal stamping casual work creature comfort

i am dissatisfied - jealous of everything else everyone else is doing. whatever else, always seems better than what i have. this is affecting my mood and my quality of life. WHAT DO I WANT?

____

new journeys. new endevours. always always changing. tears, craving: nostalgia, peace.

unsure.

for now.

Its been a while since ive posted here. And you know what/ who always inspires me to post, or reminisce. You basically activate a buried part of me - creativity, longingness, peace, calm, nostalgia, hellplessness - that comes every now and then.

I looked back at pictures of you again, videos of us in which i wish we took more. your voice was so comforting yet it made me so sad. A part of my life in which i miss greatly. I felt again the sense of lowliness and knew, in my ehart of hearts, the submission and eggshells i had with you, not wanting to disappoint, changing myself to make sure i fit into you. This i know, is why we cannot be.

Id hate to think about the number of people youve been with since us. Since that blurry night with the wet dew in the park. And i know, the reality of it is that you may not even think of me ever. 

It makes me happy yet sad to think that you might be in exactly the same spot where i left you. Its so hard to know what youre doing in life and i guess that uncertainty is a link in the chain that holds me still to your memory.  Out of all the boys, youre the one that still draws me in 8 years later; and i think you will for years to come.