#jacketslutt

theres nothing like the smell of patchouli on your skin, or the taste of liquor on your lips. 

i wonder sometimes if i create my own heartbreak for my own pleasure. i write more, i listen to new music, i feel more, i feel again. it's different than when i stroll around my life and have good feelings about everything. theres something familiar about pain, and its somewhere more comfortable. 

i'm so hardcore

the fact that someone spotted little old me from the other side of the shopping mall and wanted me, no one else, in that very second, will probably never be lived up to. people were telling me that they wished i had a love like that one, in that very second. 

and although now i am much more grown up, and i now know more about myself and the way i identify myself, i know that it was a very toxic relationship and that never was love. all the mishaps and dysfunctional pieces of my life were not love. however, that doesn't make it any easier to tell everyone that i made a horrible mistake. i was so head over heels for someone who was emotionally abusive to me and hurt me down inside my inner self. 

however, i never told them all the bad things about my life. i feel like when i go to class rooms and tell people how i knew i was gay and my life story, i don't need to include the time i barely escaped a rape scenario, the time that my former lover cheated on me almost 10 times, the way that another former lover told me to kill myself, or the way that every girl since then has used me for something else.

i need to use this experience as something powerful and expressive and something to change someone elses mind as to the way i live and the way my community is viewed on my campus. 

i love my school and my peer group more than i have ever loved another person. we are sometimes shady, we are imperfect - flawed and shattered sometimes, but we are always a community before anything else. the fact that there is always a familiar face somewhere, and always someone asking me to go to lunch with them, or share a cigarette or walk to class with me, is extremely powerful. although when i go home for the day, they don't carry our friendship past a school day, it doesn't have to happen that way. at the end of the day, i am here to get an education and involved in my community and educate people and find a potential career. i am also here to have fun and make friends, but i have to keep my eye on the prize at the end of my time at this school - my degree. i need to be proud of me and show my family that i am much more than what they see me to be. they don't need to threaten to send me home - i can graduate and i can be a strong and independent queer female in society and be happy one day.

i just hope that sooner rather than later, i find someone to share my every day life with. someone to just share casual conversation with and talk to all day. i don't need a commitment these days, just someone to tell the silly things in life - like to tell them that my math teacher is wearing the same skirt today as she did yesterday and how mind numbing my text books can be. i hope that one day soon i will be happy.

ok so college is weird. 

but i last night hung out with this girl i've been flirting with and talking to for like two months and it was the first time we were alone together. 

we talked like crazy for two hours and got stoned and had a really good time together. and we are going to the strip club or the gay bar on friday night and i'm so excited! shes so cute. short and small and loud as fuck and athletic and just in general my favorite kind of girl.