#j's rant

My aunt saw me today over video chat, and the first thing she told me was "you're looking so much prettier by the day." And I was so flattered at first. Then I felt sad.

I asked her, "what about before?"

She shook her head and said, "not really. You were too overweight and fat. You didn't look good. But now, you look lovely."

And that hurt. That hurt so damn much. The Old me was trying her fucking best to survive, and did what she could to feel alive. Eating made her feel alive and less numb, so she kept doing it to chase that euphoria.

She struggled with her self image and self worth. Her self loathing and self hatred was so strong, it would put a grown man to shame. It has made me cry. She kept telling herself that she was not beautiful because of what she went through, and that she deserved to feel pain and hurt.

There was not a day that went by where she didn't hate herself. All the while hearing everyone tell her "lose weight. You're too fat. You're still beautiful, but you need to lose weight."

But to now hear that she was not beautiful, and that all people saw was the consequence of trauma caused by numerous people, is NOT okay.

She tried her fucking best to get better and to have a normal life. She had been through so much and fought through all of that to become me.

She does not deserve that hate and insult. She was beautiful. And she tried her best.

I am who I am today, BECAUSE of her.

My sister and I aren't on speaking terms, and she isn't speaking to my mother either. The only person she's speaking to is my dad.

I doubt she's feels isolated because she is surrounded by friends.

I, on the other hand, am isolated. I have no friends - real life or otherwise - so I'm stuck in the house with my family all the time.

I'm not complaining that I'm close with them. But sometimes, I really do wish I had some sort of friend. Anybody at this stage.

I'm lonely, and I hate it.

My stomach has been working since Friday, and now my poop is green. But I looked it up, and maybe it's because I had spinach. When I went again today, my poop was semi green, but almost the normal colour. So I doubt it's anything serious.

My throat is killing me, I feel nauseous and I'm coughing like crazy. I fear I may have lost my voice, but I don't know, because I'm not talking to anyone.

Maybe this is how I die. From shitting too much and the flu.

Sometimes I hate how my sister acts and reacts towards me, my parents and chores.

I'm the little sister, so she often bullies me and gets away with it because I don't fight back. But I'm now learning to fight back, and she's not very happy with me, but it also stops her from bullying me even more, so that's fucking fantastic.

With my parents, she's abrupt and rude, and she often gets away with it because A. My mum knows it's a losing battle to argue with her about her behaviour and B. Either my dad is scared of her, or feels the same way my mother feels.

Either way, no one tells her to stop being rude. However, if I were to speak to my parents the way my sister talks to them, I'd get reprimanded and shouted at. I really hate the double standards.

With chores, I have to still cook, wash dishes, put dishes away, set the clothes and put them away and every other chore there is. My sister hardly washes the dishes, and when she does, it's on a Sunday. She claims that her load is much bigger than my daily load, which is a lie. I still do more than her.

Plus she gets away with not putting away the dishes that I wash, so then I'm forced to do her chores. And again, NO ONE SAYS A DAMN THING ABOUT IT.

Why am I treated like a slave?

Sure, my sister goes to work daily, and straight to the gym afterwards, but that does not absolve her of her chores, duties and respect. Especially since she's working in customer service.

When I have things to do, study or even when I'm having a terrible flare day, I still have to cook, clean, wash dishes and put them away.

How is her work more important that what I'm going through?!

And, my mother made a deal with us: we each have to cook 1 meal a week. Does my sister follow this rule? No fucking way. I end up cooking twice a week, while my mother does the other days.

My mum and I didn't cook today, so my sister came home hungry. I've been busy studying the entire day, plus I had to put away the dishes. She comes home, demands we make something for her to eat (BTW she has a Hospitality degree, so she can cook).

I was busy studying, and eventually I got tired. So i came into the kitchen to tell my mother that I'm overwhelmed, only to find my sister micromanaging my mother while she's making toasted cheese sandwiches. Then when I say I'm tired, my sister immediately says "well then you can help make supper".

That just pissed me off even further, and now I want to throttle her.

You're the one who's hungry, and demanding something to eat, then why don't you fucking make it yourself? And why do you dismiss everything I say like it's just by-the-by?

You would fucking hate it if I had to dismiss your feelings that way. And you know what? That's exactly what I'm going to do now.

You want me to dry your hair? Too fucking bad! I'm tired, so I'm going to sleep. You fucking sleep with wet her.

I am not your slave to boss around and then discard when you're bored.

I got approved for the life saving medication I need, but I cannot afford it. Even with the medical aid paying a very small amount, I still won't be able to afford it, on top of my other chronic medications which come to 5000+ a month.