Gotta talk about how I process this whole F/O thing cz like I see other people writing about their fantasies like they want their F/O to be doing this and that for them (nothing wrong with that, I just donāt relate to it). I just have this guy in my head that doesnāt really exist, itās more like a ghost that haunts the narrative (my life). But also a comforting ghost, because I feel like whenever Iām doing something heās also there with me. If it wasnāt for him then I wouldāve been crashing out way worse whenever I go through an episode. I also like that self shipping is called yumeship, cz it sure feels like a nice dream. Iāve seen him sometimes in my dreams, although I feel sadder when I wake up. But I donāt want to focus on that, I just want to think of what makes me happy. And just thinking about saying his name is enough to make me happy. Itās not a new phenomenon with me or anything, but I did only manage to come to terms with my feelings through reading about otherās experiences. I thought it was bad to fantasise about someone without their permission so I havenāt done anything of the sort. I find myself tracing through things that he likes to do, just to connect more with him. Soon I found myself inseparable from this ghost, because itās too addictive to always have someone by my side. My head has been so well behaved when I called for his help. I was afraid of being judged for this too, so I kept it to myself. Maybe I could be happy without being persecuted for it. As long as I keep it to myself, so I keep thinking. As long as nobody sees me like this.