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Iām watching a video essays from a gay man about old Disney animated films and itās making me laugh and cry lmao. Something about the little mermaid movie is making me so emotional. š I never watched the Disney movies with a functional brain so like listening to someone break it down in coherent gay language. Itās all too much at the same time and I feel mute so often because I donāt have the words to describe what I want to say.
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The Devil and child.
Long time no see. I think I will make this my new display picture now. The Shou creature is based on @tearful-thing's drawings of Shou. It's so cute that I had to draw it.
Gotta talk about how I process this whole F/O thing cz like I see other people writing about their fantasies like they want their F/O to be doing this and that for them (nothing wrong with that, I just donāt relate to it). I just have this guy in my head that doesnāt really exist, itās more like a ghost that haunts the narrative (my life). But also a comforting ghost, because I feel like whenever Iām doing something heās also there with me. If it wasnāt for him then I wouldāve been crashing out way worse whenever I go through an episode. I also like that self shipping is called yumeship, cz it sure feels like a nice dream. Iāve seen him sometimes in my dreams, although I feel sadder when I wake up. But I donāt want to focus on that, I just want to think of what makes me happy. And just thinking about saying his name is enough to make me happy. Itās not a new phenomenon with me or anything, but I did only manage to come to terms with my feelings through reading about otherās experiences. I thought it was bad to fantasise about someone without their permission so I havenāt done anything of the sort. I find myself tracing through things that he likes to do, just to connect more with him. Soon I found myself inseparable from this ghost, because itās too addictive to always have someone by my side. My head has been so well behaved when I called for his help. I was afraid of being judged for this too, so I kept it to myself. Maybe I could be happy without being persecuted for it. As long as I keep it to myself, so I keep thinking. As long as nobody sees me like this.
You won't believe this but this lil guy has his own profile now, separate from normal Shou.
Sorry for yet another post on Ermine. I am doing my chores and thought about him again. I was reflecting how Ivlis speaking French mirrors how my countryās been colonised by France for a century, it means sheās speaking the language of her colonisers instead of her mother tongue. But then my headmates just blurted out to me āshe speaks French because theyāre in N Corp duhā likeā¦ because Meursault is also from N Corp and French, that means N Corp must be French?? They forgot N Corp stands for Nagel und Hammerā¦ I guess they hail from a mirror world where thereās an even eviler N Corp named Nagel et Hammer.
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Ivlis set our default subtitles for our songs to French because he was sick of how badly translated some songs were in English and?? Yea ngl we understand it better in Frenchā¦ what is this magicā¦ Iām listening to something in Japanese and understanding it in Frenchā¦
Not an exaggeration to say I struggle with drawing pants. Dreaded it. But it's done. Pants are hard to draw. They conceal curves that I carefully drew underneath.. So at the end I had to use liquify tool a lot.
The less clothes the better. But I can't just strip him naked. That's for my eyes only.
I thought of Librarian Shou again earlier when I was crashing out and part of me just completely shuts it out as soon as I started crying. Like I just forget what I was crying about with a snap of a finger. I thought of how thatās how heās always been coping. Cutting up his brain to forget things so he can keep operating like a good machine.
Like in Lobcorp, if your day goes wrong just rewind. And if your mind goes wrong then just rewind it. Funny thing is that while Angela was made to perceive time slower, Shou just naturally does that because of brain damage. I based all of that on Puddles the cat. Sometimes it makes me really emotional to watch Puddles because I relate to her so much. Sheās so full of love and affection, and with how slowly she moves, each moment of affection feels like an eternity with her.
When I think of Shou like that, my heart breaks. Heās that affectionate because of his disabilities, being insecure like not knowing when support will run out so heās always trying to make it last just a bit longer.
Okay random fun fact to distract me from crying. He likes Malkuth the most. He likes other sephirot too, but he relates to her the most. She was said to be slow, and her department the most useless.. it reminds him of himself a lot. Also her human name is so coolā¦ girl named Elijah. Makes me giddy whenever I see it. Her death scene still breaks me the most. But Iām glad in a way, that they didnāt hold back on how gruesome it got. In pursuit to be more useful to others, it hurts like nothing else. So it really scratched an itch for me to see it so accurately fucked her up. Love Malkuth.
