#ivfproblems

Its official...my ovaries are done.  IVF6 went well...4 eggs fertilized, 2 made it to blast and were placed inside.  I got a BFP...rechecked blood a few days later and my levels depleted and then I wasn't pregnant.  I took the summer off - started IVF7 and it was a BUST!  2 eggs retrieved (last ultrasound showed 4...) nothing fertilized.  It was crushing, deflating and devastating.  I still can't believe it.  I had changed my diet to be completely clean, unprocessed and pure.  I followed my medical protocol to a tee.  I made 5 hour trips, leaving the house at 4am to get bloodwork and ultrasounds done and made it to work on time.  NOTHING...and that's how I feel now, completely empty inside.

I can't help but feel sorry for myself.  I immediately started the series of tests for insurance approval and I'm pissed.  I'm making the 5 hour trips for nothing...more vials of blood for nothing...more time, energy and gas wasted for nothing.  There is no guarantee that insurance will even cover us for another go...but we have to try just in case.  The follow-up meeting with our doctor left us with one option...donor eggs.  

Donor eggs are expensive and we may be paying for everything out of pocket.  We are looking to gain over $25,000 in debt with no guarantee.  YIKES!  And if my previous results have any indications, the odds don't look to be in my favor...

On our way to yet another uncomfortable test, I couldn't help but start crying.  It seems so unfair that we have to sacrifice so much.  I don't understand it.  So, I went through the test with tears running down my face and drove back home.  This is what I have to do.

Our search begins for the right donor.  Is it more important that she looks like me, shares my interests and hobbies or has a clean medical history?  My mind is blown that someone would do this and I am forever grateful to these ladies, but how am I supposed to choose?  It feels so surreal to read profile after profile of people volunteering to give their eggs away.  My brain is having a hard time processing it all.  

So here we go again.  New obstacles and hard decisions ahead.  Thank god for Twitter and I need to block Facebook the pregnant, baby, children obsessed timelines it produces to rub my nose in it all.  

Good night.