#iui 2

I am so bloated it's kinda disturbing, stupid progesterone. I also haven't ate well the past few days bc I've felt bad so I've been eating convenience foods and I go between feeling guilty to fuck it, neither feeling I like. This 2ww has been the slowest psychological torture ever. I feel like I'm being taken to my execution on a sloth. I'm sorry for sounding so negative, I've had pockets of hope but it is just too scary to hold onto them for long. Tonight I've been absolutely convinced my period is going to start, nothing yet. It's killing me not to test but I'm determined to get to 14dpo or bleed first, with progesterone I might possibly get to 14dpo.

1hr of sleep and I wake up with my heart racing... I think it's the progesterone I always had a similar problem when I tried to use otc progesterone cream. Tired of feeling like shit. Husband tired of me feeling like shit. Have had such a rough time lately that I wonder if this fails if I should go straight into another round which feels slightly pathetic seeing I had an unwanted 6 month break between 1st one and this one. I also feel like I don't really know who I am anymore. This combined with the other shit has consumed me to the point that I feel like all I really know about myself anymore is that I want to be a mother but I don't know much else about myself anymore. Like surely I have other wants and needs and ambitions as well? Who am I when not consumed by this? What all makes me happy anymore? I have a lot of things to think about in the coming days.

8dpo at some point this evening... fmu showed trigger shot is not showing up on wondfo hpts. There might have been a shadow of a line if I squinted really hard but more or less gone. I don't have plans to test again unless I actually make it to 14dpo bc last time my period broke through even on progesterone. Talked to DH into the wee hours of this morning and cried a lot of tears. This is all I've wanted in my life and I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere closer. But enough whining, I'll be back in 6 days or less and hopefully formulate some sort of game plan if everything is the same.

I would have been better off not looking at last cycle notes... I didn't realize my progesterone was 7 . something last time too... for some reason I thought it was even lower. So 5mg femara basically did nothing different than 2.5mg. Wow. I'm at a loss for optimism. Now I'm just wishing the days by to get over the inevitable. I'm not going into another cycle without getting some questions answered. I started this blog with so much hope and in a completely different journey then the one I ended up on. Now here I am and I don't know how to get the hope back.

And now my mood is: if the progesterone test comes back low I'm gonna be pissed bc why am I paying so much for medicated cycles to ovulate so poorly. I'm now feeling stressed out so I'm turning off my phone for now so I can rest and if they call in that time they can leave a message. I told her to update my pharmacy info so they could call in progesterone if it is bad again plus I still have some from last time, or I should.