#itstwins

Twins – Oh shit

I would apologize to those this post doesn’t apply to, but I’m not sorry. You are all lucky sons of bitches.

There’s plenty of jokes and pictures out there depicting the dumb and repetitive comments mothers with twins receive, so I won’t be covering those. But I have a few of my favorites.

Now I have twin boys for those who either don’t know me, or are blind and deaf that do know me. Maybe this only applies to twin boys, maybe twin girls are a blessing from G-d, and twin boy/girl scenario seems to be the best, but again, I can only go by experience and the amount of early onset grey hairs I have and wrinkles that don’t appear anywhere in the “happy line” location.

Once upon a time….

That glorious day you find out you are pregnant with twins. I don’t remember what I ate for lunch yesterday, or most of my wedding, but lord above, I remember this day as clear as amniotic fluid. There are three scenarios that can go down here to line up your reaction to finding out you will soon be carrying two Thanksgiving meals plus sides, in your once size 4 body. (Ok, size 6, shut up.)

Scenario 1:

Some people get IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) and know its twins right off the bat. You know how to weed those people out? Don’t. Mind your f***ing business. Twins nowadays are mostly a byproduct of IVF, and you know what? For whatever reason most people don’t want to talk about it. They will take selfies of their bloodied innards or thighs post birth, but how they got there? Off limits.

So that question, “Do twins run in your family?” is just a mean way of making people answer with a lie. Especially when the twins are fraternal and the wife says, “It’s from the father’s side.” I don’t want to spell this out for you, but unless your husband is a Hogwarts graduate and can put a spell on your uterus to drop 2 eggs during ovulation, there is no way your husband’s side is going to affect your ability to make twins. Please come up something better. Even, “I had a bad cold and sneezed hard that day and shot out two eggs instead of one” works because no one is going to try and prove that. You may sound stupid, but not any more stupid than your third cousin’s sisters adopted child’s niece is a twin. So stop saying it runs in the family, and people stop asking. Who cares how they came to be? Just hand that mother a valium and a coffee and leave her alone.

Scenario 2:

Some people like me find out this information about their very first pregnancy. People like me, only have television shows and movies to go on (unless of course you are a twin yourself). People like me are tricked into thinking this is super cool. People like me started playing scenarios in my head in which my twins will be the very best friends in the whole wide world and will be forever and ever and ever. People like me should be committed and receive electric shock therapy to knock such idiotic thoughts out of people like me’s heads.

Now I am the queen of multi tasking. I am also the queen of organizing, cleanliness, and efficiency. I am also told by many that I am humble, but those people all had fraternal twins that ran on the father’s side, so the trust level there is slim. All these things make me a control freak.

You know what you can’t control no matter how much you try? Your child.

You know what’s even harder? Two children. At the same time. Running in two different directions. Crying at the same time. Sleeping at different times. Then fighting all day every day until they leave your house and you change the locks.

Do you remember that woman at the park who was dragging her kid by his arm out of the park? Do you remember how horrible we thought she was? Then you become that woman. With a kid on both arms. At this point when new mothers with one giggling little baby in the swing give me that look I use to give women like me, I just spit on them. They deserve it just like someone should have spit on me when I was that hopeful new mother, judging.

My twins, and they shouldn’t even be allowed to be called twins, something more fitting like archenemies, are two of the most opposite human beings on the planet. And what’s funny is I specifically didn’t dress them alike as babies because I wanted them to be individuals. That sure came to bite me in the ass.

There are the basics like one’s a righty one’s a leftie; one likes peanut butter, one likes jelly; one likes milk in his cereal, one doesn’t; one likes to read, one doesn’t know what a book is. The one thing they do have in common is they both hate us and are trying to slowly kill us.

Maybe when they are older they’ll be amazing, but right now, twins are a punishment from G-d. Whenever people say they wish they had twins, I call them idiots. You’re welcome.  I wish someone took my by the throat and warned me what it would be like. That person would be receiving monthly payments from me as compensation.

My best friend, let’s call her Linda, also has twins. Whenever we see future parent of twins, those sad stupid hopefuls announcing their twin pregnancy on Facebook in their witty little ways, we send these to each other and just laugh and laugh and laugh. Oh what total morons!!

Scenario 3:

Linda received her news of having twins in the last case scenario. After she had her 3 previous children. Her response? Words with A LOT of ****.

See? Now that’s a normal reaction.