#itoet

Me: yeah whatever. I don’t feel shit

5 minutes later: dude I swear I just saw the end written right from the beginning

also known as "i'm thinking of ending it all."

MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING FOR SUICIDE

"I'm Carrie Davis. Eighteen years old, senior at Fortuna High. And I killed myself. Let me tell you a story about how I unkilled myself."

(knife divider by adornedwithlight)

CHARACTERS

Carrie Davis: Our lovely protag. She/her, 18, white. She tried to commit suicide, but found herself upright in bed. For some reason, some people can see her, whilst others cannot. She is unable to control this ability, and it can sometimes make her feel weak. Like her mother, she's blunt and makes nihilistic observations of the world. Wears menhera and other alternative clothing.

Laura Davis: Carrie's mother. A nice woman, but doesn't sugarcoat the truth.

(more chars coming soon bc im literally pantsing this story LMAO)

BEFORE YOU GO

moodboard

Movie: Lucy witnesses a sick ass dance scene and has a genuine talk with the kind old janitor, remembering who she really was and hugging him.

Book: Lucy is running for her FUCKING LIFE because the old janitor has trapped her in the school, killed her boyfriend, and made it very clear that she's next.

the title is a lie actually. SOMEWHAT. i think the ambiguity of who lucy is is an intentional part of the book + movie, because i don't think she's meant to represent just one whole thing, and the author has said that every interpretation of the book is correct. she's clearly not meant to be JUST an idealized girlfriend or a thought in jake's head, she symbolizes many things. but i do particularly like a transfem reading of this book and movie, and it's what i'll discuss here because it compels me a lot.

for posterity's sake, im going to refer to the woman/young girl/young woman (that exists in jakes head, at least) as lucy (as she's called in the movie) and im going to refer to younger jake (younger jake in older jake's imagination) as jake, and ill be referring to older jake/the caller as the janitor. i do believe all of these characters are part of the same whole, and not entirely separate from each other. ok time to start Le Essay (i also refer to jake with they/them pronouns for most of this)

the book is, at first glance, about a young woman going on a roadtrip with her boyfriend jake to meet his parents. it is obviously not about this entirely, especially later in the book, when lucy and jake's identity start to merge and it's revealed that lucy was an invention in the older jake's, the janitor's head. the title refers to both lucy thinking of ending the relationship with jake and the janitor thinking of ending his life, committing suicide. at the end, he decides to kill himself, in the book its by puncture wounds from a coat hanger, and in the movie it's ambiguous as to whether it's the same death in the book or if he killed himself in his car.

now, this is where interpretation of this work comes into play. in the book and in the movie, it's explicitly stated that "lucy" was actually a young woman younger jake met at a pop quiz event, but never had the courage to actually follow up on her or get her number. in most interpretations and analysis of the book and the movie, this is where the mystery of lucy's identity and purpose end. a lot of people think that she's ONLY just a potential girlfriend fantasy that the janitor is having before he kills himself, that she has no other relation to janitor/jake at all and is just a thought he has. and this is a perfectly fine interpretation (its literally explicitly stated) i just like to look a little deeper <3 this is where my evidence that jake is actually a closeted trans woman trying to figure out her identity.

my first piece of evidence is that, why would jake not want to tell the story through "his" point of view if it's a fantasy about having a girlfriend. the book is explicitly through lucy's point of view, even when it's revealed she's not real. why is jake putting himself in lucy's shoes, instead of indulging in "his" part of the fantasy, having a girlfriend?

time to go through the actual passages that reveal there's more going on than just "lucy is the imaginary girlfriend fantasy of older jake"

in the book, the caller is the janitor, aka the older version of jake. it's sort of implied that the janitor is taking on a female voice because they're telling the story to themselves and is narrating lucy, and lucy somehow hears herself being narrated. but it's one of the first indications that jake is not *just* having a fantasy about a girlfriend, they're getting explicitly in character (only from lucy's perspective, i might add. jake never tries to switch the pov entirely, even when it's revealed that lucy is imaginary)

this is one of the most obvious lines to me. jake wants to be comfortable being themself. that they want to be themselves. they're saying this while imagining being a woman in the fantasy they've created. HMM SUSPICIOUS.

^ in this scene, lucy notices a photo of a child, and asks who it is. jake says it's them, but it LOOKS like lucy. Hmm Suspicious.

^ in this scene, lucy and jake are playing an imitation game for jake's parents. lucy puts on the performance of jake, but it's clearly awkward and forced a little bit. she describes herself as embarrassed and not wanting to play "this game." the parents' reaction is pleased, like they enjoy her acting as jake.

when jake imitates lucy, it's not forced or stilted or anything. it's described as too natural, jake taking it too seriously. it's not mocking, it's mimicking. more specifically, jake completely immerses themself in the "performance" of lucy. the parents' reaction is evident here, they think it's a joke, they think it's something to laugh at.

the meta of this scene is obvious when you consider my thesis. lucy is "acting" as a man, as "jake" but it's forced and stilted, but the parents seem pleased and happy. but when jake acts as a woman, as "lucy", they're serious, completely serious, but their parents laugh at them. jake is forced to act as a man to their parents' pleasure, and any attempt to come out as their true self is rejected by their parents, made out as a joke.

^ this is when lucy finds jake's drawings in the basement/cellar. obvious subtext here, jake is trying to find out who they are.

lucy putting on jake's hat, saying its too big, but it fits better than expected. they are obviously the same person.

the end is where it becomes very explicit that lucy is not just a fantasy person constructed in jake's head, she IS jake. they're the same person.

lucy/jake even refer to themselves as separate from the girl they met at the pub pop quiz, clarifying that they weren't meant to be JUST a girlfriend fantasy

(also describing the young woman as "comfortable in her own skin" directly paralelling jake's statement from earlier!)

it's clear that even if you don't subscribe to this specific theory, that lucy ISNT just an "imaginary girlfriend" and that selling her as just that one thing is wrong. she's jake. she is a part of jake, technically taking on jake's suicidal desires.

one theme extremely prevalent in the book is that you can fake actions, and words, but you cannot fake thoughts. thoughts are the only real part of you. jake being a man was a performance, an act, but being a woman, telling the story from a woman's point of view, IS her thoughts. she cannot fake her desire to be her true self, to be a woman.

Honorable Mentions Female

Lúcia Moniz in Listen

Julia Louis Dreyfuss in Downhill

Rachel Brosnahan in I'm Your Woman

Jessie Buckley in I’m Thinking Of Ending Things

Aubrey Plaza in Happiest Season

Shailene Woodley in Endings, Beginnings

Leah Lewis in The Half of It

“It is beautiful out here. In a bleak, heartbroken kind of way.”