#itmightnot

I’m not 100% certain how helpful this will be in general, but it will definitely help if you’re trying to get my son’s attention. I will say that every special needs kid is different, autistic or not, and some of these methods may make things worse depending on their particular set of needs and challenges. My first advice is if you aren’t sure how to communicate with a kid ask the parents, therapist or teacher. I’ll try to add some specific questions at the bottom that may help.

First, in our kid’s case, if Mr. G doesn’t respond to his name the first time, he probably isn’t going to at all. Do note that by ‘doesn’t respond’ I mean ‘shows no indication that you exist at all’. He doesn’t look at you or do the opposite of what you say. If he glances up or moves away, he’s ignoring you on purpose like any other kid. However, if he doesn’t respond the first time he likely can’t hear you past whatever is currently occupying his mind. Getting his attention will require something beyond a verbal prompt, and I don’t mean saying his name louder. Usually, a touch on the arm or shoulder is a good place to start. Physical interaction can help him ‘center’ himself, so he can pay attention to his surroundings again.

Second, if Mr. G is paying attention he probably understands 95% of what you’re saying. But the longer your sentences are, and the more information you’re trying to give him at once, the more likely he’s going to shut down and ignore you. This is especially true if his environment is busy or noisy. In other words, three step instructions are a no go. Two step are fifty/fifty. One step is usually OK. And use the most direct language possible. Sarcasm will do nothing but infuriate you because he doesn’t get it, and using too many words can be a distraction. Which leads nicely to the next point.

Three, distractions. What could distract Mr. G from listening to you? Anything. Literally, anything. We use the word ‘focus’ with him a lot, and he seems to understand what that means. We also tell him ‘look at me, Mr. G’, and ‘Mr. G, eyes on _____’. That helps too. However, if he suddenly tries to wander away, it’s probably because of a distraction. He’s not trying to be disrespectful; he’s just way more in tune with the way the light shines off the painted cement bricks of his classroom than you are. Give him a moment, and if you can shift him away from the distraction (take it out of his line of sight, etc) that will help. When his focus is back where it needs to be, try again.  

Four, getting a response. Mr. G is considered ‘mostly nonverbal’. He has a few words (eat, more, please, bye bye, hi, thank you, open, up), but they’re mostly what’s known as ‘approximations’. That means he doesn’t actually pronounce them correctly, so knowing what he’s saying can be a challenge. For example, the t, l, d, sh and s sounds have been really hard for him to learn. His tongue doesn’t want to touch the front of his mouth. So ‘eat’ is actually ‘ea’ with the ‘e’ sound heavily stressed. He also usually bares his teeth when he says the word. R has also been a challenge, so ‘more’ is ‘Moh’ with the ‘m’ sound heavily emphasized and ‘green’ is ‘geen’, again with the ‘e’ sound strongly stressed. And a lot of times it’s just a single word, rather explosively expressed. Nods yes look like he’s about to headbutt you (they’re quite fierce), and shaking his head ‘no’ can also be ‘I like the way this feels, so I’m doing it’. You can see how this can be confusing if you aren’t used to speaking with him. 

If you want a verbal response, the best way to get one is to ask a question and give a response for him and see if he repeats it. For example: “Mr. G, do you want to eat? Yes?” or “Mr. G, do you need a hug? Yes?” Even though you aren’t giving him both of the possible responses (yes and no) prompting one response seems to help him understand that he needs to give a response of his own. If you know sign language, you can also prompt with ‘more’, ‘help’, ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ if appropriate. (If a child uses sign language, these seem to be pretty universal in how they’re taught. If you think you are going to be interacting with someone who uses sign, those four in particular can get you pretty far.)

And finally, how not to talk to a nonverbal person. Loudly, first off. Most of people who struggle with verbal issues also struggle with sensory issues. Speaking to them louder can trigger the defenses their mind has in place to protect itself. Volume is not going to help you in the least. And going with loudly is with too much emotion in your voice. Calm is best because it allows them to focus on your words and not the emotional cues in your voice. A lot of special needs kids struggle with understanding the feelings of others because the ‘cues’ in our voices and on our faces confuse them. They don’t make sense to them. So by removing them (staying calm) you make it easier to be understood. You don’t have to speak in a monotone, just calmly.

Questions to ask parents about communicating with their special needs kids. Do they have any words or word approximations they use? Do they use any signs or a device to communicate? Will they get my attention if they need something? Do they need to be prompted to take care of basic needs (toileting/washing hands/feeding self/etc)? Do they answer to their name? Are they comfortable being touched on the arm or the shoulder? There are more, but what you want to ask depends on the situation (daycare vs a church program vs a babysitter) and if you would like a specific list for any of those situations I will try and put a post together about it later on. 

I hope this helped. I am fully aware that communicating with my son some days is like playing Blue’s Clues in a different language you only have the most basic grasp of, and the language changes every so often without warning, rhyme or reason. And no one told you how many clues you need or what they’re for. It certainly makes life interesting.