#it'sonus

In just the last year of my life I have come face to face with sexual assault and sexual misconduct on multiple occasions. I have had friends, both male and female, open up to me about being taken advantage of. It is a terrible position to find yourself in, having someone you know and trust or even some strange person forcing themselves upon you. No one deserves to be put in that position and it needs to be stopped every chance we get.

Remember children, nothing is hotter than 100% consent. If the word “no” even comes to another person’s lips, that means stop what you are doing and back the hell up. You have no right to do what you please with another humans body.

*TRIGGER WARNING* This post contains a graphic description of sexual assault. If you need someone to talk to anonymously, click here.

Just say no. That’s what I, and millions of kids like me, was taught. Friends have some drugs? Just say no. Classmate trying to get you to cheat with them? Just say no. Stranger pulls over, rolls down their window, and asks you if you know how to get to Alexander Street? Just say no. Stranger danger was all the rage when I was a child and it’s a huge problem, even today. It blinds us to the truth—that 82% of sexual assaults are perpetrated by someone the victims knows, most often a friend or intimate partner.

This is a problem inherent in “no means no” consent education and policies, which are currently the standard. While this phrase is memorable, great for a sign or T-shirt, it doesn’t explain that consent is not the absence of non-consent. Defining consent as ‘’they don’t say no” makes as much sense as defining healthy as “not dead.”

Just because the most obvious indicator of non-consent is not apparent does not mean it’s safe to assume that consent exists. If that sentence confuses you, then you are starting to get the problem. Recently, the inadequacy of “no means no” has received more attention, and thus the saying has evolved into the unending list of things that also mean no.

However, this lengthy list still fails to capture the nuances and complexities of consent. For example, in the United States’ media, with cajoling and persistence, these ‘’no’s” can be turned into a “yes.” In this method, a person will get what they want by slowly wearing down the other person’s resistance with constant pressure, until they have no resources or energy left to fight with, and give in to the request. This also works really well for laying siege to a castle and conquering kingdoms. The media fails to recognize that asking for something repeatedly until the target finally acquiesces is coercion, not consent.

Thus, we must add “okay fine if it will make you happy/stop asking/go away” to the list of things that mean no.

But the list of flaws rooted in our preoccupation with a verbal “no” doesn’t end there. “No means no” relies upon the assumption that if a person doesn’t like or want something, they will say so. This stems from our cultural understanding of human response to stress—fight or flight. Again, it’s catchy and it’s easy to understand. And wrong.

Scientists are now acknowledging that there are at least three responses to stress: fight, flight, and freeze (some add others, such as appease). Freeze is the you-can’t-see-me, predators-don’t-like-dead-things response. When someone is experiencing a freeze reaction, they may not be able to move or talk, even if they want to. Many people dissociate when they freeze—their brain limits their perception of physical reality in order to protect them from being overwhelmed.  Dissociation ranges from being mildly zoned-out to feeling emotionally numb and disconnected from one’s body. It is a normal protective strategy used by the brain to lessen internal distress.

I learned about freezing my sophomore year in college when a friend, on the pretense of having a flirtatious conversation and discussion of fantasies, came over to my dorm room. When he pulled my shirt up, I was confused and surprised. When he took off my bra I was upset and frightened. My mind racing, I tried to think of the words to tell him I wasn’t okay with things moving so fast. But when he pushed me down and rolled on top of me, I couldn’t think anymore. My arms and legs wouldn’t move; at times I couldn’t even close my eyes.

When he left hours later, I tried to figure out why all I had done was lie there and wish someone would walk in on us. I thought I was crazy, that I had actually wanted it, otherwise I would have fought back. But if I wanted it, why was I crying now?

I am not alone. And this is biggest issue with “no means no:” what happens when someone freezes and it’s nearly impossible to speak, much less directly challenge the source of the fear? Under a “no means no” policy, the assumption is that unless someone objects everything is okay. The responsibility for managing the sexual encounter is put on the receiving partner, the one who is more likely to experience fear and stress, and more likely to have difficulty expressing displeasure. This kind of interaction is romanticized in US culture, where it is considered suave to seduce someone, exciting to surprise them with sex.

One of the most dramatic consequences of “no means no” is that often times the initiating partner may have no idea that anything is wrong until hours, days, or in my case, years later. If someone doesn’t know about the freeze response, they may never notice that their partner is in distress. And that’s why it is critical to ask and wait for a response every time you escalate the intensity of a sexual encounter.

In August 2014, California became the first state to mandate that all universities adopt a “yes means yes” policy. This law states that “lack of protest or resistance does not mean consent, nor does silence mean consent. Affirmative consent must be ongoing throughout a sexual activity and can be revoked at any time."

People around the country are beginning to advocate for affirmative consent policies in universities and laws, and these policies are starting to change. Only yes means yes, and only when no is a safe and viable option. Now it’s time for us to step up and start to change the culture, to acknowledge that we need to ask first, every time, and to stop thinking that getting consent is annoyance that will ruin “the mood.”