#it was a...

Snickering at myself, cuz just earlier today I actually got a whole spiel like those myself! 😆 I'm just nodding quickly though it all til I could finally just assure her, "Yeah, I have actually done this before." 😅

"Oh! Good, so you know." 😊

Ok so I’ve been struggling with my anxiety. For the last year I’ve been having panic attacks every month, where I’m in tears, hating myself, scared over what I’m supposed to do and trying to think and rationalize my feelings and thoughts, where I can convince myself that I’m gonna be ok. Before that these panic attacks would happen once every three or four months. The last three months they went up  to every two weeks I was having an attack, the every week. Then I had three successive panic attacks over two days, one of which was in public, and I went and got help.

I was put on medication and to this day I have had one instance of a panic attack, which was this morning. It wasn’t all that bad either, but when I can hear my heart pounding in my head I know that’s what that was. I still can feel that tenseness in my muscles, the pain in my neck from stress and the shortness of my breath.

I’m ok. I’m just still having troubles settling, and I can’t seem to calm my thoughts. I’m disappointing in myself, because my attack stemmed from my drivers test which I didn’t pass, and now I find myself trying to plan for events that are a month away, which having my licence would have made easier, as well as plane and thoughts that extend pass that. August rent is gonna be hard. I’ve gotta book a new test. I need to be able to see my doctor and therapist who are on the other side of town. I need to get my wife to and from the airport in the next two weeks. I need to think about how were getting to and from a convention in Vancouver. I have to see a masseuse or chiropractor for my back. I have to save my income. I have to take care of my cats. I have to remember to eat, clean, do laundry, shower, take care of me.

And I don’t think I can do any of it.

I’m stressing out and I just want to not do anything. After I finally was getting back into my swing. It’s gone. I just want to eat take-out and die. I feel like there’s so much I need to do and so much that needs to get done and I’m stressing the fuck out. But I’m ok. I know I’m ok. And it’s going to work out. 

I WILL BE FINE.