It's the 11th of December, 2012, and I lost you today. It all came too fast, and I can't believe you're really gone. It's night time now, and you always come to bed with me, fighting to get into my lap in front of my laptop. Always purring. Now that I think about it, I fell asleep with you in my arms just last night, and when I woke up you werre sleeping at my feet. Right now, my room feels so different without your presence. As always with human nature, I never realized how much a part of my life you really were until I lost you. My sweater still has your hair on it, as does my comforter and, well, everything else. I miss your meowing, the way you would rub against me and the pleased expression on your face when I petted you. How you always knew how to make me stop crying. I really need you now, Jeffrey, because I haven't cried this hard in my life. All I want is to just hold you tight and never let you go. It seems so cruel that life just continues on, Buddy and Bella and Gracie are all here, just right as rain.. and you're gone. Probably being cremated right now, and I'll be picking up your ashes in the morning to keep, along with the fur they clipped for you and the collar that I put on you just yesterday. They're sitting on my bedside table. God, I miss you so much and I need you so badly here. So badly. I would rather lose this house and my car than have you hurt... and yet all in a few hours you were gone. I don't give a shit what other people say about it, I am your mother and you're my child, and I've lost you. I totally lost it today. I'm numb, I keep putting the thoughts away, trying to push away that I was stroking your dead body just a few hours ago, and you were meowing at me a few hours previous to that. I'm so, so sorry that this happened, my love, because there is nobody more important in my life than you. I picked you out 8 years ago, and you've grown up with me. You were such a scrawny thing, sickly, but I had never laid eyes on a cuter kitten. You were always there, you have been my best friend and everything I've needed for 8 years. I couldn't count how many times I've rocked you to sleep, or held you as we fall asleep together, or I cried when we had to put you in the cage to travel and you sounded so much in pain and I couldn't handle it. I've been there with you with every problem you've had, and you with mine. I had plans for you, baby boy. I thought that you were going to have to approve the man I married, and that you would meet at least my first born child. I never thought for a second that you wouldn't live a long and happy life. I know you were always happy with me, but...I just can't stand how short our time together was. Only 8 years... God I miss you so much already. Mom says you'll meet my first born child before I will, and I wonder if that's true. I prayed to a God I don't believe in to keep you alive, I tried to bargain. Take anything but him, God. Anything. Hell, take me, I don't care. I do still believe that your soul is somewhere, and I hope that your soul could find its way from the vet back to our house, and into my room. I really hope you're here, Jeffrey. I know you don't want me to cry, because it's loud and obnoxious and you always hated loud and obnoxious things, and you were so emotionally connected to me that you hated it when I cried, but I can't tell you how many nights I'm going to just ... cry my guts out. I would give anything to have you back in my arms. Anything in the world. It still feels like the worst nightmare that could have ever happened and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm crying even now, and I have been for just hours and hours. What else is there to do? I don't want to touch anything... your food bowl is still in my bathroom where Mom put it this morning, the one that I made for you at Paint N Party, and Mom painted your name on the underside of it. I'm going to keep it for you, in case you ever need it again. I told you when you were dying that I would see you again in the morning, and it absolutely rips my soul apart that I won't. I said that I will see you again in the morning, and again the next day, and the next, and the next. I just feel so horridly sick from crying so much and I'm sure it's nothing compared to the pain you had to endure for however long you did. You were the best cat that anyone in the world could ask for, you really were. My baby. My baby, and now you're gone. I will forever be your mommy and I will love you until the day I die. Then maybe we can see each other again. That must be true, because any existence without you is just hell, and it's what I'm living now. If I can have a heaven, you will surely be there. Maybe you will have gained some weight, since you were always so thin. You'll be happy, with your big green eyes so happy to see me again at last. Or maybe it was just a second ago that we parted, I've read a lot of accounts that say that Heaven time is a lot different than our time here. Jeffrey, I'm just so lost without you, sweetie. I miss you so damn much and it hurts so badly. I still want to get you a Christmas present. Perhaps the world is going to end in a week, and after today I wouldn't mind if it did. Just means I get to see you sooner. I could never ever thank you enough for everything that you've done for me, and I can only hope that I made the right decision for you today. I won't say goodbye, because I will see you again sometime. In the meantime, I guess I have a life to live. Without you, somehow. Or maybe your spirit can stay with me? If that's not too much trouble... it would be nice. My sweet, sweet baby boy. Mommy misses you so much.
