#istre

so I have a bachelor’s thesis to finish and this is what came out of trying 

HOW DO I INTO SIMPLE COLOURING OH MY GOD IT’S TOO HARD PLEASE TEACH ME 

It’s just teenage Vitya in weird colours because I love weird colours. And yes it’s mirrored and I didn’t notice you can come to my house and fight me about it. Also please appreciate that I paint everyday. I would have more to post but SAI is crashing on me like a crazy bitch it is.

The good days are my favorite. They are sunshine, shorts, and smiles. They happen when I least expect it. I get so happy when they come to visit.

Most days I feel restless. I feel like I am never doing enough. The feeling persists in an unfathomable way. I tap my foot. I walk. I turn in my chair.

Most days I feel a twinge of sadness. I feel like there is always something to be sad about. The feeling inches its way around in my chest. I watch funny videos. I make jokes. I force a smile.

Most days I feel paranoid. I feel worried. The feeling makes me overthink any situation. I try to make conversation. I move around. I tell myself it’s alright.

But, the good days. They bring emotions I long to feel. They make me feel like I could do anything. I get so happy when they come to visit.

Every once in a while I feel relaxed. I feel like I can sit back and breathe. The feeling allows me to become one with the earth. I do yoga. I empty my mind. I can fall asleep.

Every once in awhile I feel happy. I feel like everything has beauty in it. The feeling allows me to smile at anything. I enjoy the sunshine. I laugh harder than normal. I am whole.

Every once in a while I am confident. I feel like I don’t need anyone. The feeling allows me to not second guess myself. I can take part in social events. I can use my voice. I am free.

The good days are the best. They remind me that I am valid, and the choices I’ve made are good ones. They remind me that I am going to be ok. I get so happy when they come to visit.

Most days I feel rejected. I feel like everyone is judging me. The feeling makes me picture different scenarios, for different encounters. I worry. I keep to myself. I plan.

Most days I feel like an awful friend. I feel like I have lost every friend I know. The feeling reminds me that I don’t know how to interact with people. I don’t call. I don’t text. I keep to myself.

Most days I feel alone. I feel like I have no one to talk to. The feeling causes me to feel even emptier than before. I don’t talk. I talk to myself. I wander.

But, the good days. They remind me that my family is always there for me. They are brief. I get so happy when they come to visit.

Every once in a while I feel inspired. I feel like I can write an amazing song. The feeling allows me to play my guitar better than ever. I sing. I dance. I write.

Every once in a while I feel energized. I feel like I can run, and never get tired. The feeling allows me to do what I’ve been meaning to. I run. I clean. I give.

Every once in a while I feel complete. I feel like I have everything I need in life. The feeling comes with my family and a stranger’s kindness. I can forgive. I can forget. I make friends.

There are just so many to choose from. So many colors and sizes. Wild or Store-Bought? I prefer wildflowers.

Dandelions are weeds. But they look so pretty with their yellow, bright colors. You can make wishes on some of them. Anytime I pass one, I pick it up and make a wish.

Bluebonnets are the state flower. People trample them when the finally peek out for spring. They are bright and turn the ground purple. Anytime I pass them, I can’t help but lay in them.

Trees are often overlooked. They have so many colors on them, and people don’t even notice. Their leaves, the bark, growths. Anytime I pass one I want to climb it, and breath in its fresh air.

Clovers vary in shape and size. They could be a flower or leaves. If you find a clover with four leaves, it is considered good luck. Anytime I pass a patch, I’ll look through for a sign of hope.

Flowers are so simple. People love to pick and prod them. Did you know flowers die from our touch? Oils kill the petals.

Flowers are so fragile. One squeeze and they fall apart. I often get told I am a flower. People say I’m a sunflower.

Sunflowers can grow wild. On the side of highways, and in fields. They are brown and yellow. Pretty, but boring in color.

I prefer flowers. They can travel where they want. They can grow and never be bothered. People kill them slowly.

I’m walking down the hall.

I don’t know why, but I always feel small.

It’s hard to move my legs.

I’m strong.

I’ve got to keep on walking.

Shut up!

There’s no talking.

I’m holding on, but I’m losing.

Staying strong, but I’m falling.

Screaming loud, “Can you hear me now?”

I’m not alright.

I’m not okay.

They insist that I’m fine.

I only listen to a few people.

I tell you what you want to hear, but I don’t know if I’m right.

I’ve got to keep climbing.

I try to take off.

I keep trying to fly.

I put on a smile.

Don’t you know that you’re going to change the world?

Put on a smile.

It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t work.

Dig in your heels when it hurts.

I know a girl named Envy.

She isn’t pretty, and she isn’t ugly.

She isn’t nice, but she isn’t mean.

She follows me and likes to be followed.

She was once my best friend.

I knew her all my life, until one day she left.

She decided I wasn’t worth her friendship.

She went off to a college I thought about going to.

She got a job at a place I applied to.

She still follows me on social media.

I knew her before she made her own friends.

She would hang out with my friends at her house.

She gave them things when all I could give them are promises.

She enticed them with fake kindness and pretty pictures.

She got them to abandon me.

I know many people who left me alone.

I know many people who don’t know me.

I know many people who forget where they belong.

I know a boy named Crush.

He loves me, and he doesn’t like me at all.

He strings me along and pretends it’s all in my head.

He loves keeping me around.

He loves me so much, he dated all my friends.

I knew him before he had his heartbroken.

He asked me to be his friend and walked with me in the halls.

He would smile at me and say nice things.

He liked me more than his girlfriend.

He didn’t like to show how much he preferred me.

I knew him before he knew who he was.

He always needed to be the center of attention.

He put my name on a list.

He never even touched me, except for a dance.

He and I are the only ones who know the truth about how he feels.

I know many people who loved me.

I know many people who didn’t tell me.

I know many people who didn’t take that chance.

I know a girl named Courage.

She isn’t afraid, and she isn’t brave.

She wants to do so much with her life.

She is stuck in the same place.

She left to pursue new things and to repair.

I knew her before she became damaged.

She battled and conquered.

She doesn’t change her habits, even though she wants to.

She keeps around toxic people.

She trusts them, she loves them, yet she hates them.

I listen, though, I don’t think anyone else is.

She shares the inner workings of her life with everyone.

She posts her opinion for everyone to see.

She thinks the world can hear her scream.

She doesn’t know that everyone doesn’t care.

I know many people who can’t fight like me.

I know many people who can’t change like me.

I know many people who can’t be good friends.

I know a boy named Addict.

He is different to everyone.

He comes in the form of good and bad things.

He can be kinder than anyone I know.

He was someone who saved me when no one else would.

I knew him in a way no one ever knew him before.

He sang “Wake me up in September.” at the top of his lungs.

He laughed louder, and his eyes shone bright with mine.

He wanted to be saved but pushed away from the only hero.

He loved me, even though I hated myself.

He left me when I needed him most.

I know many people like Addict.

I know many people who can’t be saved.

I know many people who pushed me away.

I know a girl.

She loves living and smiling.

She sometimes thought of eternal sleep.

She looked in the mirror and said negative things.

She lost every friend she had.

I knew her before she lost things.

She smiled brightly and laughed out loud, even when it wasn’t appropriate.

She would speak her mind.

She was confident in herself.

She never felt alone, or truly afraid.

I knew her before she got hurt.

She was used for her kindness.

She was told she was nothing, by more than herself.

She decided that she wasn’t going to be nice anymore.

I am Courtney.

I know that I am not a hero.

I know that I can’t get the guy.