#issue five

📆 August 3, 2023

(-> twitter post)

If you fancy yourself a slave to the commercial conglomerates of consumerism, you may have noticed a naked clay figure stationed outside of your local Wal-Mart. And if you haven’t, you might want to finally emerge from your underground safety bunker. Get out and see the light. You can’t hide forever.

What do you mean your Wal-Mart doesn’t have one? We encourage you to look again.

Wal-Mart associates, who make up the bulk of our world legislative branch, recently passed Bill No. 784A that will employ animated clay figures outside of every Wal-Mart store, effective immediately. The bill, which had been in rotation for less than thirty minutes, was signed unanimously into law this morning, after the non Wal-Mart branch members were served a suspiciously tasteful cup of tea.

When asked why this bill was created, Palishar Goondy, president of Wal-Mart, had this to say: “Creatures must always be reminded of their creaturisms. Whether by a smile, a friendly face, or a slimy, wet handshake. We must grow as a community. The employment rate of animated clay figures is criminally low.”

These figures are made of the finest red rock, mined from False Mars, which gives their skin a beautiful bronze-like glow when fully dry. Wal-Mart associates say that there is proven evidence to suggest that all grocery stores could benefit from clay figures outside their doors. Which is to mean that they haven’t actually conducted any experiments or conclusive tests.

They just really, really like to think so.

“He’s just so sad.” said Hannah Tyth, an avid Wal-Mart shopper in the Northern Sun district, about her local clay figure. “Don’t you wanna shake his hand? Say hello? Don’t you wanna feel better? Feel like you finally belong somewhere?”

Studies show that the two greatest fears shared by the human race are of the unknown and of weird, long forgotten magicks. The more you know, the more you can be calm. And the more you can be calm, the more you will not be a threat to your government.

Rules of interaction with the clay figures will be posted outside every Wal-Mart store. Simple things like bowing before you approach or standing perfectly still while it kneels to hold it’s hand over your face are sure to be included. Each clay figure will be partnered with a handler in order to reduce the chance of unfortunate accidents

If you are still afraid, remember this.

It is all part of the surreal grocery shopping experience, according to President Goondy. You are used to the talking oranges. You are used to the shadowy security guards with no eyes. You are used to aisle spills, which act as portals to otherworldly dimensions.

You will get used to the bronze men made of red rock clay.

You will learn not to question it.

You will soon realize that you never had a choice to begin with.

Hahahaha!

That’s a good one also!

It makes me think of this comic page from Archie: