#ispeakformyself

@beckyquick @squawkcnbc @manager @management oooh so #geaviation s chief like: aaaaaargh! we b a s t a r d h a s s l e and hustle with the old crap engines maintenance where we c a n n o t and m u s t not do botch which t h e y donotliketohear and thatisour profitmargin butelse eheheheeeeverythings justfine! and here 2percent fueleconomy enhancement wouldyoumind 50million per engine ?‎…

Rasanya masih sama. Sesak tak karuan, melihatnya sudah memilih jalannya sendiri. Tidak denganku, yang belum ingin membuka jalanku.

Nyatanya, aku jenuh dan terlalu awam untuk melangkah lebih maju. Berbeda denganmu, yang sudah banyak jam terbangnya mengenai urusan hati.

Prinsipku, membuka hati adalah urusan yang jarang atau bahkan sulit. Tergantung pada siapa aku bertemu.

Apakah memang laki-laki ditakdirkan lebih banyak mencintai daripada perempuan? Ah, nyatanya memang begitu.

Terima kasih sudah memilih-nya, bukan memilih-ku. Jika ditanya hal yang sama, mengenai rasa, mungkin aku jawab : tidak lagi-lagi bermain dengan rasa.

Lagi dan lagi, aku lemah soal merelakan. Segala memori yang kadang berputar di otak membuatku terhambat. Bukan soal ia terus berbahagia.. Tapi soal ia yang dengan mudahnya rela.

Sosokku mungkin sering ia temukan dimana-mana. Bertebaran di semesta? Mungkin. Jadi, dengan mudahnya ia rela.

Arrghh...urusan hati sulit diterjemahkan. Cepat ikhlas ya. Supaya aku dan hidupku melangkah maju menuju ridho-Mu. Semoga aku, dan diriku, menemukan sosok yang jaaaauuh lebih baik dari dirinya.

Teruntuk siapapun itu, semoga bisa menggantikan sosok ia yang sedang ku relakan.

Bandung, 7 Mei 2024

I'm always thinking about what I need to be doing (thus, what I'm not accomplishing). This makes me feel pretty badly. I also used to be a pretty positive person. I was able to see the good in every experience. What happened?

Life sucks sometimes. Everyday sucks. I kind of sit in this feeling for a little while. But there are somedays where I feel hope, happiness, and peace lurking in the background. On one of these days, I remind myself that I am in control of how my day goes and how I feel. This actually makes me feel better.

Until next time,

Jay

Monday 02/14: I feel like nothing. I’ve just gotten back from an amazing trip with close, supportive people in my life and I feel like nothing. It’s so hard to stay positive, and I feel even worse when I feel that’s what people expect and like me for (I.e. My positivity). I feel alone, unwanted, and mistrusting, even when the loving behaviors of others should be making me feel otherwise. I hate myself for feeling this way and want to push away someone that I dearly like, but am greatly fearful that they don’t like me nearly as much. They have given no signs of this except for the inability to read my mind when I’m desperately wanting them to hug me in that moment (yet refusing to say so).

Relationships, especially romantic, are incredibly difficult for me. While my current relationship is supportive and wonderful, I have also experienced some of my most intense, hateful self-talk during it. I’m too skinny. I’m not attractive enough (in fact, quite ugly). I’m broken, and no one wants someone that is broken. I’m not as interesting or as nice as others. Why would they want me? Why would anyone want me?

I hate myself for thinking this way.

***I am currently on a journey of trying to find peace. Most of my life has been difficult, so even though I have amazing relationships and support now, much of what I experienced still effects me greatly. After doing research, trying to find others who might share feelings like mine and failing to find any blogs or posts that were so intimate, I've decided to start sharing my own journey to (hopefully) a deeper sense of peace and self love. This journey, as many others know, it not always pretty; in fact, it can be quite dark and ugly. But hopefully, by sharing my deepest, unedited thoughts and stories, at least someone won't feel so alone. You can do this, and so can I.