#isitp

You weren’t sure of the moment you’d lost him. But you knew the exact moment when you realised that you had. He’d come back from surfing, and it had started raining outside in Cousins - a rare summer shower even on the hottest day. Conrad had showered and came downstairs to where you were curled up on the couch, eyes closed. The Conrad that you knew would have grabbed the nearest blanket and settled it over your shoulders, and taken up the spot closest to you so that, when you awoke, you could snuggle into him and he’d share in your comfort. But this Conrad had taken a seat on the opposite couch, his eyes focused on a distant spot somewhere in the lounge. You’d woken up when it got oddly cold and realised that he’d left the garden doors open, letting in sprays of rain and the coldest wind.

“Con?” You’d spoken, voice full of sleep, “Everything okay?”

He looked at you with an off, empty look in his eyes - like he was looking at a stranger. You knew then, and you still couldn’t figure out why.

That wasn’t your Conrad. That wasn’t the Conrad that loved you.

———

That exact moment had been four months ago, only a week before things ended between the two of you. You’d cried more than your heart could cope with, and you’d had enough sleepless nights to make it feel like you wouldn’t sleep again. You’d stopped eating and stopped enjoying the smallest things in your life. Until, one day, you just felt… better. There was no specific cause or cure, just that you were yourself once again. The self that you’d been before Conrad. Healed.

Your parents had owned a house in Cousins for the past couple of years and that’s how you’d first met the Fisher family. This weekend would be the first time you were returning to Cousins since you and Conrad had finished, and it was agitating a pain in your chest that you tried your best to ignore.

“(Y/n)?” It’s your Mom’s voice that snaps you back to reality, “Do you mind taking a trip to the store?”

You look at her and blink a second time, feeling your mind return to the setting of the beach house, “Yeah, yeah, of course I will.”

“Thanks honey,” She smiles, “There’s a list on the kitchen island.”

You nod and she steps back out of your bedroom, letting you return to welcome solitude.

There was something about being back here - this house, this town - everything reminded you of him.

———

The shop is relatively empty when you get there and you make your way around the aisles picking up the items from your Moms list. It was thanksgiving next week so these were just the bits to keep you fed between now and then. She definitely wouldn’t trust you with the real thanksgiving shop.

As you round onto the next aisle, your cart bumps into someone coming the other way.

“Oh shit my-“ A familiar voice speaks quickly and you glance up to see Stephen at the end of your cart.

“Stephen!” You grin, “Hi!”

He grins just as widely and stretches out his arms, “Holy shit (y/n) it’s good to see you.”

His arms wrap you in a bear hug and he breathes deeply as your chin perches atop his shoulder, stood on your tiptoes to do so.

“What are you doing here in Cousins?” You ask him, “I thought you guys were only here for summer.”

“Yeah well my Mom and Suzanne decided to start doing thanksgiving too because they think we should see each other more often,” He shrugs his shoulders, “I’m not complaining, it’s more fun here than back home.”

“Yeah, yeah, definitely,” You nod, “I didn’t even think to ask you guys if you’d be here. I mean, normally I’d ask Co-“

Both of you stop and he looks at you with that frown between his eyebrows as if watching the discomfort settle between you.

You clear your throat, “How are the boys?”

Stephen smiles that sort of sympathetic smile, “They’re good. I’m sure they’d love to see you, and my sister would too - she’s going to hate that she didn’t come to the store with me.”

You laugh and drag a hand through your hair, the mention of Conrad and the Fishers bringing back that same glimpse of empty pain you’d had for weeks after things had ended. You avert your eyes from him towards the large windows in the store and notice that the heavens have opened, rain pouring onto the concrete.

“Shit, I knew I should’ve brought the car,” Stephen winces, “I better call Jere-“

“No, no, don’t be silly,” You shake your head, “I’ll drive you home, it’s the same way anyway.”

“(y/n) I always knew you were an angel,” Stephen jokes with a bright smile.

He helps you put your things through the checkout and then the two of you clamber into your car, dumping your bags into the back.

You drive the short distance in the direction of both houses, the Fisher’s house only being a street away from your own. The roads are all familiar, a second home within itself. But the sight of their exact house, as you pull into the driveway, settles an uneasy feeling on your chest. You ignore it.

“Thanks (Y/n),” Stephen smiles, “And, hey, don’t be a stranger. We’d all still love to see you, I’m sure they’ll all say the same when I tell them you were here.”

You smile and go to respond when your car door is pulled open.

“(Y/n) (y/l/n)!” It’s Jeremiah, his arm holding your door as he stands in the opening, grinning wildly as his hair gets rapidly soaked by the rain, “What the hell are you doing here?”

“Driving Stephen back to avoid the rain,” You laugh gently, “Which you should be doing too.”

“Please come in, Belly’s going to kill me if you were here and she didn’t get to say hi,” He has those sort of eyes that it’s impossible to say no to, the same golden retriever look that ran through his personality.

You turn your keys in the ignition and pull them out, “Alright, just five minutes.”

Jeremiah reaches out a hand to you and stretched one side of his hoodie out so you can both duck under the material, the three of you hurrying towards the house.

It’s all so beautifully familiar. Stephen grumbling about the rain in his hair and Jeremiah laughing the same way he always did, the warmth of the walls in this house, the sense of home.

The door shuts behind you and you feel it again - that little bit of relief that you really had moved on. This place held good memories - for the year that you’d been dating Conrad he’d been everything and his family came with that. Losing him didn’t mean you lost the sense of family that his own people had always given you.

“Okay, now we can say a proper hello,” Jeremiah laughs, wrapping his arms around you as he lifts you up from the ground, spinning you around before settling you back down.

“It’s good to see you too, Jere,” You return, “I’m sorry, I had no idea you guys were back in Cousins.”

“Yeah, well, it was a last minute decision,” He nods, “Come on, I think Belly’s in the kit-“

Stephen grabs Jeremiah’s arm before he can go any further, “Um, Jere, is Conrad here?”

“Oh shit yeah I didn’t eve-“

“Guys, seriously,” You shake your head at them, “Come on, what happened with me and Con was a long time ago. We’re all grown ups here.”

They look at you with a slight uncertainty but nod anyway, walking through the back of the house.

Your steps pause ever so slightly when you catch sight of him but you don’t let it show, letting your eyes look around the rest of the room before falling back to him.

Conrad stands up almost instantly, his entire being alert.

“(Y/n).”

Your name from his lips turns a knot into your stomach but it dissipates when you focus on it for long enough.

“Hey Con,” You smile, running a hand through your hair.

“What are yo-“

“Oh my god (Y/n)!” Belly squeals and hurries over, engulfing you in a velocity fuelled hug, “What are you doing here?”

You laugh and squeeze her before stepping back, “Just dropping Stephen home.”

“Yeah, it was raining like hell when I was in the store so (Y/n) offered to drive back,” Stephen comments.

“You, uh, you hate driving in the rain,” Conrad clears his throat, eyes on you as if nobody else was there.

You let out a breathy laugh and let your eyes lock onto him, your fingers tightening around the car keys in your hand, “Yeah, a few months ago I did. I guess I just got better.”

He swallows the lump in his throat, his lips parting.

“I should probably get going,” You clear your throat, “My Mom will kill me if I let that ice cream melt.”

“We’ll catch up soon, okay?” Belly squeezes your arm, “I’m so glad you’re here.”

You wave goodbye and step back out, feeling the weight on your chest release just enough that it no longer feels like it’s there. You step back out of the house and, for the first time in a long time, Conrad races through your mind. You turn the music up just a little louder in your car so it’ll somewhat drown out the thought.

———

The following night, there’s a party down at the beach that it’s impossible to say no to when Jeremiah, Belly and Stephen have all been convincing you all day. You change into a pink ditsy floral dress that has a corset style top and a simple pair of white converse - they’d only end up full of sand anyway. It was cold enough that you knew it was a terrible idea to just wear a dress, so you throw over a baggy grey jumper and roll up the sleeves twice so they don’t hang over your hands.

Once they’ve texted to say they’re already there, you leave and take the short walk down to the beach, bag tucked over your shoulder.

“Hey! (Y/n)!” Cameron waves you over to where he’s filling up a red cup with a can of Sprite.

“Hey Cam,” You smile, “How are you doing?”

He nods, “I’m thinking this party is a terrible idea in the middle of November.”

You laugh, “I’m hoping a beer will warm me up a bit,” You take a cup and fill it from the keg beside him.

“How are you doing anyway?” Cam nudges you, “Is it weird being back?”

You take a second of looking at him before you respond, invisibly composing yourself, “No, it’s okay. What happened with me and Conrad was… and obviously I wouldn’t want to… I’m fine. We’re fine.”

He nods, taking it as certain sign that he shouldn’t persist with the topic, “I think Belly and the guys are over that way.”

You follow him over to where Belly, Jere and Stephen are all sat around a big campfire, warming their hands on the floating heat.

“Hey, are you not freezing in that dress?” Stephen looks at you slightly bewildered.

“Yeah, I’m used to never packing clothes to come here because I always have summer clothes in my closet in the house but… that doesn’t exactly work in november,” You wince, running your hands over the skin of your thighs.

“Yeah who thought it was a good idea to have a beach party in the middle of november?” Belly shakes her head, “It’s meant to get freezing tonight.”

Jere shrugs, “Where’s the fun in that attitude Bels?”

The chatter continues but you find your eyes drifting around the beach for a pair of eyes that you’re yet to find. Somewhere in the lost time, you get through a few more beers and the sun continues to set over the Cousins beach until the cold really starts to set in. The beer is warming your system just a little but far from enough.

A shiver runs over you and draws goose pimples to your skin, so you take it as your cue to leave, saying your goodbyes before heading up the beach towards the path that let you back to the houses.

You’re not sure why. But your feet take you in the direction of the street adjacent to your own, one you’d driven up and walked up countless times. One you missed.

In the one house that catches your attention, there’s a light on out the back and you find yourself pushing through the back garden gate into the yard.

“Jere?” It’s Conrad’s voice that speaks out and you turn to find him sat at the edge of the pool, his feet dragging below the surface.

“Um, no, it’s me,” You clear your throat, “Sorry, I’m not really sure why I came this way.”

He keeps his eyes on you, pushing himself up to stand at the poolside, “Do you-“

“Sorry, I should probably go home I-“

“I bet you’re freezing,” He interrupts, gesturing towards the doors into the house, “Do you want to come inside? I can make you a hot drink or something.”

“Um,” You look at the slightly pleasing look in his eyes and realise it’s impossible to say anything other than, “Sure.”

Conrad nods and pulls open the garden door, stepping aside to let you in.

“I think my Mom and Laurel are out at a bar tonight, it’s just me here,” Conrad comments as you follow him through to the kitchen.

You two spent every minute together when you’d been dating - thankful to be living in the same city without the hours long drive between you that you had at home. This kitchen was where he’d first kissed you. You’d been sitting atop the kitchen counter and he’d been making pancakes at the stove. You laughed when he failed at flipping one of them and he’d come over to make you try the first one - telling you it was good luck to try the first pancake of the night. He’d wiped a bit of syrup from the side of your mouth and the next thing you knew he was kissing you. His lips were uncertain at first but they soon-

“(Y/n)?” Conrad’s voice slices through.

You don’t remember ever hopping up onto the countertop but you’re in the exact spot you’d been in on that pancake morning.

“Do you want cocoa or tea?”

“Tea, please,” You swallow the lump in your throat, dropping your bag down to the counter beside you.

He nods and sets the kettle onto the stove, cracking up the heat before turning around to lean back against the counter opposite you, the water waiting to whistle to a boil behind him.

“What are you thinking about?” He asks you, crossing his arms over his chest.

You look at him and study his face for a moment, a face you’d memorised over and over again, and then shake your head, “That I’m fucking freezing.”

He laughs gently, the kind that rumbles the air, “That’ll teach you to not wear a dress in winter.”

“I didn’t have anything else,” You raise your hands in defence, “And this outfit looks cute.”

“It’s the most impractical outfit ever I mean seriously you must be cold as-“

Without you realising, Conrad has stepped forward from the counter and his hand has come to rest on your thigh - enough for you to feel the electricity charging through you.

“Sorry I-“

Before he can retract, you fly a hand down to press over the top of his, relaxing a little at the contact, “It’s okay. Your hands are warm.”

Conrad looks up at you through the hair that falls around his eyes and you bring your other hand up to brush the strands away from his face. He winces at the cold of your fingers when they brush his face and brings his own hand up to wrap around yours on his cheek to warm your skin there.

Both of you are silent, trapped in the most contact you’ve had in months. You hold each other there for just a moment before the kettle whistles behind him and it seems to snap you back to where you need to be.

“Thank god, I’m dying for a tea,” You pull both of your hands away from him and hop down from the counter, grabbing two mugs from the cupboard.

Conrad stays stood where he was, his hands resting on the countertop in front of him as he squeezes his grip against the edge of it.

You go about making two teas and hand one of the mugs over to him, wrapping your own two palms around the heat of the other.

Conrad winces as the liquid touches his lips, blowing gently on the rippling surface of the drink. You’d always loved his lips. The way they spoke, the way they laughed, the way they kissed. The indent of his cupid’s bow and the shadow of stubble that surrounded them when he didn’t shave. You’d always loved him.

“How come you didn’t come to the beach tonight?” You ask him, your hands burning a little under the heat of the mug.

“In this weather? It’s stupid.”

You shake your head, “You prefer the cold anyway.”

He stops for a moment and sets the mug down, “I figured you wouldn’t want me to be there, and I didn’t want to ruin your night.”

You purse your lips together and look away from him, down at an invisible mark on the floor, “You wouldn’t ruin it.”

Conrad doesn’t speak.

“Come on, just because we split up doesn’t mean we have to act like we don’t know each other,” You comment, “We’re always going to run in the same circles.”

He looks up at you again, studying you, “But we didn’t just split up. I broke your heart (y/n).”

You find yourself smiling just a little, “Anyone would think you’re full of yourself Con.”

“Oh, no, I didn’t mean-“

“I know,” You interject, taking a deep breath, “You did break my heart. But time heals, surprisingly. I’m good now, I’m happy.”

You watch his face falter for just a moment. Conrad was right - he had broken your heart. You’d been hurt by him. But things had changed. You couldn’t hate him forever, and you couldn’t hate your life without him forever. But, the truth was, he didn’t feel even close to being over you. And it killed him to think you’d already slipped away. Far enough away that he couldn’t pull you back.

“I’m glad you’re happy” He swigs the drink, “That’s all I ever wanted.”

You’re not sure what makes you say it. But you do without thinking.

“Really?” You raise your brows, “It didn’t feel like that last summer.”

“(Y/n)…”

“I fought for you Conrad. I really did,” You feel your voice tremble a little but regain it, “I remember even after I knew that you were done with me, I was trying so fucking hard to fix it.”

He’s silent, eyes watching you.

“Two nights before you ended it, I remember I stayed up after you thought I’d gone to sleep and I felt you pull away from me. You pulled your arm from underneath me, you took your arm away from around me, you pushed yourself back to the other side of the bed. And I knew you’d wake up and blame it on being cold in the night. But I felt you. I felt you go. And that’s when I gave up. When I knew there was no saving what you didn’t want to fix,” You shake your head, shaking out your hands to fight the way your body seems to tremble against your will.

“I never wanted to lose you (Y/n), I just… I got scared and I-“

“I don’t need you to explain things Conrad. I spent days and nights trying to figure out where the hell I went wrong. And I made my peace with it - if you weren’t going to love me that was fine, it didn’t mean I wasn’t capable of being loved.”

“I did love you, I do love you,” His words are almost pleading and he steps closer to you, still two feet standing between your bodies, “That never changed.”

You look down and smile a little at the thought, words that would have been wrenching at your heart a few months ago. Today, they settle into you and fall into your system like they weren’t ever said to have an impact.

“I shouldn’t have come here tonight Con,” You look up and take a deep breath, “Thank you for the tea, and for letting me in, and for… I don’t know, maybe we can class this as an impromptu therapy session. But I should be going.”

When you turn around, you notice the pounding rain outside, pattering against the glass and into the open cover of the swimming pool. It’s relentless, the kind that you can hardly see through.

“Stay,” Conrad speaks from behind you.

You turn around to look at him, his eyes soft as if there could never be a bad intention behind them.

“You can take my bed, I’ll sleep on the couch.”

Your breath falls deeply from your chest, staring into eyes that had once broken you into pieces as you say, “Okay.”

———

The following morning, you step out of Conrad’s room and into the house. Everyone else is asleep, or at least you suppose they are from the shut bedroom doors and faint snores. You collect up your things and pad quietly along the wooden floors, wincing when one of the boards creaks on the staircase. You slip out of the back of the house, knowing the shortcut that would lead to your own house before your parents woke up to realise you’d never made it home.

It’s a crisp morning but the sun is just starting to warm the air and you squint against the bright light. Just visible at the end of the boardwalk leading towards the water, you can make out the shape of a boy sat in solitude. You’re not sure what draws you to him, maybe the same thing that had drawn you in the first place.

Conrad turns around when he hears your feet against the wooden pier and watches as you sit down in the seat beside him along the wooden bench, both of you looking out at the still water.

“Did you sleep well?” He asks, clearing his throat when the words come out dry.

You nod, “I always said your bed was comfy.”

Conrad nods, folding his arms over his chest, “The same can’t be said for those couches.”

You smile a little and look down at your hands in your lap, “Thank you for letting me stay.”

He shrugs, “It’s the least I could do. My Mom would kill me if I let you walk home alone in the rain.”

You’re both silent.

“I should pro-“

“Can I ask you something?” He cuts you off.

You settle back into your seat and look at him briefly, turning your head back to the water soon after, “Of course.”

“How did you get over it?” Conrad asks so simply as if the question has been playing on his mind a hundred times, “How did you make it look so easy?”

You take a deep breath, “It wasn’t easy, Con. I cried for weeks over you.”

He clenches his jaw, the mention of your hurt making him hate himself a little more, “But what about now?”

“I was home and you were in Boston. It was easier to get over you when we weren’t around each other. I just… I realised I could be fine by myself,” You swallow the lump in your throat, “I just convinced myself that there was nothing I could have done. That in a thousand lives in a thousand universes, you’d have still done the same - because you’d have just fallen out of love with me. And so it was out of my control.”

“You really think I fell out of love with you?” Conrad looks at you with his eyebrows slightly raised, his lips parting as if he’s echoing the hurt into silence.

“Come on Con,” You turn your head to him, “I was there. I watched you slip away.”

“I-“ He takes a deep breath, “I meant what I said yesterday. I was scared. It wasn’t that I fell out of love with you. Hell, I think I fell so in love with you that that’s why I jumped. Because I’d wake up and Id think of you and then I’d want to see you all day, and I’d go to bed thinking of you and every single day I knew you were all I ever wanted.”

You feel the lump form in your throat, the electricity coursing through your hands that just seem to want to reach for him.

“People would mention your name and I’d be listening for the rest of their sentence. I couldn’t see colours without thinking of you, I couldn’t hear songs without reminding myself of you, I couldn’t do anything without being consumed by you,” He gasps as if all air has left his lungs and his hand lifts to press against his chest, “You became me, my whole life. And I was so fucking terrified of it. I just… it’s stupid, I know it is. But I loved you too much to ever think I’d be enough for you, like I was waiting for the moment Id hurt you.”

“And you don’t think ending it was what hurt me?” You point out.

He laughs a little and you see the tension release a tiny bit, “Yeah, yeah, I guess I should’ve thought of that.”

“You know the worst thing you can do when you love someone that much is to push them away? To make them feel like they’re not loved, not wanted, not worth it,” You explain, “You might’ve felt all of those things Conrad but did you ever try to tell me that? To show me that?”

He closes his eyes and swallows the lump in his throat, “I want to. Now, I want to.”

You shift yourself on the wooden bench and draw your legs up to your chest, wrapping your arms around them, “Okay.”

“Wh- what?” Conrad blinks, “I don-“

“We’re not getting back together, Con. I’m not the same girl that I was when we first got together, and you’re clearly not the same guy. But I think we need to get to need to get to know these versions of ourselves - and if those two love each other, then they’ll make it work,” You nod, more certain of yourself than ever before, “I’m (Y/n).”

Conrad looks down at your outstretched hand and smiles to himself, clasping it to shake his hand with yours, “I’m Conrad.”

He keeps his hand around yours and his thumb brushes your skin. When his grip releases, you watch his hand flex slightly away from the loss of touch.

You look into his eyes, the ones that pierced into your soul so often. And you feel a little piece of yourself melt under his gaze, a little piece of your heart swell softly.

“Well, (Y/n), do you like pancakes?”

“I do.”

He outstretches a hand once again and this time you lace your fingers with him, a course of adoration flooding through you.

You could do this.

You had healed.