#isapays

[BETWEEN ACT 1 AND ACT 2]

(You sat on the unfamiliar bed, looking at the scars that dotted your arm. Many had healed, many will not, and likely never will. In your other hand you fiddle with your dagger.)

(It was supposed to be easy.)

(You were supposed to be done. Out of the loops. Done with everything. Drama. Sadness. Whatever. Siffrin wished to keep traveling even after the loops were over. Said this was the best time of his life. Yet now, here you are. Going from place to place with some new looming dread instead of the clear skies of their dreams.)

(What a joke.)

(There's a knock on the door. It's Isabeau.) "Siffrin? Are you doing alright?"

(No. You hadn't even gotten changed from your nightware. You all arrived late to this inn, and you were lucky they had rooms left. You didn't sleep well.)

". . . I'm coming in."

(Of course he would. That was the system wasn't it? If there was a response, it was Siffrin or Loop, and they were probably fine. If there was no response, it wasn't. Or it was you, in which case they'd check anyways. Looking at the dagger in your hand and the scars on the other, you could at least see why.)

(Isabeau opened and closed the door softly. He looked at you, and the dagger, and your arm. You could see his shoulders relax a little as he realized you hadn't done anything.)

". . . Not a good night?"

(You nod. He walks over to you.)

"Mal right?" (you nod, he continues.) "Right, may I. . .?"

(He was holding out a hand, after a moment, you reach over and place your dagger in it. He puts it to the side.)

"Thanks you."

(There's a silence, a long, awkward one. You start rubbing your wrist. Isabeau sits down next to you on the bed.)

". . . Would you like to talk about it?"

(You draw a horizontal line with your finger. "No")

"Alright. . . Do you, just need space?"

(You pause, then draw the line again, then flick out two fingers held close. "Not sure".)

"Alright, I'll just, I'll just stay here then."

(Why did you say that. You never wanted company. You were fine staying in your room when you were forced front alone. You were fine being an observer in the corner. It was safe that way.)

(Then why did you not want Isabeau to leave?)

(The two of you sat in silence, a few feet apart on the bed. You did this a few times before. On a rare day, a rare good day, you would find where Isabeau was, and if he was alone, sit next to him. Of all of your traveling companions, he was the one you could tollerate the most. You could never find out why.)

(Odile is too observent, simple enough. Mirabelle is nice, too nice, you felt like you were oil to her water. Nille is a stranger, even Siffrin couldn't look her in the eyes. Bonnie. . . Bonnie was tollerable. Isabeau though. . .)

(You glance to your side, Isabeaus hand was rubbing his leg. Looking up, he was trying very hard to not look at you. Was he shy? Nervous? No, well, maybe. It was hard to tell. He wanted something, or was feeling something. You see his hand move around.)

(. . .)

(You put your hand to your side. You're considering it, why. You shouldn't be. It is selfish. And you don't need it. You consider it anyways. One beat passes, then another. Your hand twitches, and reaches over a little bit to Isabeau. You stop, and put it back by your side. Even if you could talk, wanted to talk, how could you ever ask him. . ?)

". . . Mal?" (You glance at him,) "Did you. . . Do you want to hold my hand?"

(You wince. And then gently nod.)

(Isabeau held out his hand, you hesitated. You placed your hand in his. It's warm, soft. You could feel the rough skin where he worked his fingers the most. He had been sewing more, and he had been training just as much as before too. His hands were a bit sweaty, wait, no, both of yours were. Was he nervous? Where you nervous? Yes, you probably were. Looking up at him, his face is turning a darker shade. You glance away.)

(. . . . . . . . It's nice.)

(. . . . No, it's not nice, it's selfish isn't it? Why would he want to be here, or you? No, you knew that. You couldn't trust them. None of them. "I should never have trusted you." That's what he said, wasn't it? You can't stay close to him. You need to protect Siffrin, and you can't trust a stranger to do that.)

(You're still holding his hand. You're squeezing it.)

(He glances at you. This isn't right. This isn't right at all this isn't, this isn't right or safe! Why are you being so open! Why did you want to be so open! You're shaking. You're shaking so much. Why are you doing this to yourself.)

(You take your hand back. You're shaking so much. You should leave. Just leave and don't come back right? How stupid. You scratch at the scars on your arm. Your breathing was getting heavier. You, you, you-)

"Hey. . ." (Isabeau was talking you. Gently. Soft. His hand was hovering over your own.) "Hey, you're alright, right?"

(You stop scratching, you don't respond.)

". . . Was it, was it the touch?"

(You don't know. You haven't felt this strongly about something before.)

". . . . Do you want me to leave?"

(Your head bolts up. You shake your head. Why. Why did you shake your head. You wanted him around? Why.)

"A-alright!" (He seems, worried. He wants to help you. Why.) "What do you need?"

(. . . . .)

(What do you need? You can't think straight. You need something. You don't need touch, right? You don't need food, or anything material. You need. . . You need something. What, do you need comfort? No. You don't need comfort. It's your job to garuntee Siffrin is the one who gets comfort. You don't need it. You don't. . . .)

(. . . . . You hug Isabuea.)

"!!!"

(You hold yourself close. You don't want to think about it. You're selfish. You don't even know what you want and you're selfish. You can't trust him, why are you doing this!!! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!?!?!?!)

(Isabeau hugs you back.)

(It, it doesn't make sense. You feel conflicted. You feel. You, you don't know what you feel. It's, it's not bad, right? Stars, you don't understand. You just, don't. . .)

(You stay like this for a few minutes. Isabeau is warm. And soft. His shirt is soft. Your feel shivers on your skin. You've been sensitive to touch, much more than the others. But you didn't want to let go. Whatever you were feeling, you wanted it more. Your breathing steadied. You're confused, but a nice confused. Why is there a nice version of being confused? Strange.)

(. . . You can hear his heartbeat. It's nice. Steady. Strong. You look up at Isabeau. He's looking down at you, glancing away as you turn to look at him. Hmm. He is shy about it. Maybe that is what you are feeling? Are you shy? Maybe, that doesn't feel quite right. You keep looking up at him untill he looks back. He smiles softly.)

". . . Better?"

(You blink up at him.)

"Not sure?"

(Did you feel better? Stars. You don't know. You're just staring up at Isabeau. What was so fascinating about him. Why did you care? You're supposed to just protect Siffrin. You're supposed to make sure you all wake up the next day. Yet here you are. You are, for lack of a better word, transfixed by your Defender.)

(You open your mouth. You want to say something. You want to say anything. But he wont understand. But you want to do something. What do you do. Isabeau tilts his head slightly.)

"Do you want. . ." (He looks away again. Blushing.) "N-nevermind."

(?. You reach up and turn is head back to look at you. Then you put your hand palm up and shake it a bit. "What is it?")

"Do you. . ." (He trying to hide his face.) "Do you want to kiss me?"

(Your heart skips a beat.)

(He just asked it? Just like that? Why would he. He didn't at first. You asked him what it was after all. You look up at him. He knew that you were you, and not Siffrin, or Loop. He knew you were the one who was most touch averse. Most aggresive. Most defensive. And yet, he trusted you enough to ask you something like that. What does that mean. Did he trust you? Or was he trying to get to you.)

". . . . . S-sorry. . ."

(Why was he apologising. Did he feel embaressed? Ashamed? Ah. He was assuming that your feelings for him was the same as the other two. Looking at his eyes, you could tell he was terrified he was wrong. It's true, you know your feelings are far, far more complicated than Loop or Siffrins, and truly that is a feat in itself.)

(And yet. . .)

(You reached up and touched Isabeaus cheek. When he looks back down at you, you very gently nod.)

"I-- a-alright!" (You could see his surprise. His. . . Excitement? Nervousness? Maybe that's what you were feeling too. He puts a hand hovering right by your cheek. You nod. He places his hand on your cheek. You wince, but don't pull away. He's gentle, and he's warm. You feel like there's spikes on your skin, and yet his hand feels like. . .)

(He leans closer to you, you're face to face, you can't look away. He's nervous. He doesn't know how to kiss you. It's like at the sleepover. Or at the tree. Or at the end. You want to kiss him. And he wants to kiss you. It should be alright then, right? It'll be alright if you. . .)

(You reach up and kiss him.)

(. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .)

(Your heart. . . . You're warm. You're shaking. You have, you feel, you feel amazing, you feel so warm, you feel boiling. You kissed him. You just kissed him. It was only for a second but it felt like an eternity. You don't know how to feel about it. You think the feeling is good, you hope it is. Because, because. . .)

(Ok that's enough touch now.)

(You start tapping Isabeaus side untill he lets go of the hug. You sit back in your spot, fists balled up in your lap. You're sweating. And shaking. But you weren't thinking about that dagger anymore. Was that good? That should be good, right? Isabeau is worried about you.)

"A-are you alright?"

(You nod. And hold up a finger. "One second.")

(Isabeau waits patiently for you. You breath in and out. Alright. Alright you're normal again. You ball up your fists and push them away, laying them out flat. . . Then take a hand to your temple and drag it down. "Alone time, please.")

"A-alright. If you need me, or, need anything. Just, just come and find me, ok?" (Isabeau gets up to leave.)

(You tug on his shirt before he goes, he turns. You point to the dagger Isabeau put to the side. Open palms up from one side of your body to the other. "Take it away")

"Oh, alright." (Isa takes the dagger and holds it close.) "I'll protect it with my life."

(The corner of your mouth twitches. Heh. Funny. You look up at Isabeau. One last thing. You drag a finger accross your lips.)

"Our secret?"

(They waved softly and walked over. Oh! Not Siffrin, Mal. It was getting easier to tell who's who every day. Mal du Pays didn't talk, rarely showed up, and was stuck with a resting neutral face, to be polite about it.)

(And, well. You two, had, that one time.)

"Everything alright?" (The other thing you'd noticed was that Mal came out usually when something had gone wrong. You'd been told it does come out casually sometimes, but you'd yet to see it, really.)

(It held up crossed fingers. "I'm ok.")

"W-well. . ." (Oh Change, you still didn't know how to talk to it.) "Well you're free to stick around, if you want!"

(It nodded, and sat down next to you.)

(. . . Change, you were fine! Oh you were really fine! Sure, it had sat with you before like this, but, but it had been a few days since, since that encounter you two had. And you, really had no idea what to think about it still!)

(You continue sewing. Was it. . . Hopeful thinking? That it liked you? Well, maybe it did! It did want to kiss you after all. But, but then it needed to pull away. You knew it was probably just too much touch but, but what if it wasn't? You might have done something wrong, or. . .)

(You feel a gentle poke, making you jolt and turn, Mal was looking at you.)

"O-oh! Sorry! What's up?" (you reply, a little nervous.)

(It looked at you for a second, then held two fingers to their chest, then drew a line above their eyes and clasped both hands together. "That's a veil, for me?")

"O-oh! Yeah, it is! I wanted to make you something nice, Loop mentioned the sun bothers you, so. . ."

(It blinks at you, its face impossible to read. It tapped its temple. "Why.")

"Huh? W-well, I don't want you to hurt your eyes so-"

(It shook its head, tapped its temple again, pointed at you, then made a circle motion with both hands. "No, why do you care?")

"H-huh? Why wouldn't I?"

(It just looked at you. Its gaze felt cold, looking into your soul. It was, really terrifying sometimes. But that was ok! You continue,) "I just, wanted to make you something nice, b-because."

(It's still just, looking at you.)

". . . I just, want you to feel comfortable."

(It pauses, then taps their temple again. "Why?")

"B-because, because you deserve to?"

(Another tap.)

"You deserve to because everyone does! Everyone should be able to feel comfortable."

(It pauses, and considers you for a moment. Then tapped its chest. "Me?")

(You nod.) "Yes! you! I know you guys have gone through a lot, so-"

(It waves a hand, cutting you off. Tapping its chest and wiggling an open palm, then splayed it open. "I can't relax.")

(Huh?) "Why not? You're not in danger right now or anything."

(It's staring at you, you think you see its eye twitch. It turns away from you.)

"Mal. . .?" (You wait for a moment, trying to give it space, but, you're worried. Did you say something wrong? After a minute you lean over to try and see if it's ok.)

(It's. . . Crying.)

"Are you, are you sure you're ok?"

(No response, it's not looking at you, its breathing is getting heavier. You try and very gently offer a hand out.)

(It slaps your hand away and-)

"&$*#%^###$"

(You wince. Ow! It, it talked? R-right, that's why it didn't talk. Island language. You look away and hold your head, Ow ow ow. . .)

(It slapped your hand away.)

(You're looking down at the veil your sewing as you hold your head. It slaped your hand away. Did, did it not want you around? O-or, or did you just take it by surprise? O-or maybe even. . .)

(You feel a touch on your shoulder. A hand. You turn around.)

(Mal has its hand on your shoulder. It's crying, and shaking a lot; its face that was always neutral is showing cracks. It holds up a fist over its heart. "Sorry.")

(. . .You place your hand over Mals.) "I-its, it's alright."

(It shook its head, and looked away. Finally, it tapped its chest, and made a grabbing fist. "Can I trust you?")

"I- O-of course you can!"

(It glared at you.)

"Promise! I promise!! I haven't given away our secret right? Even if some people are relentless about it."

(It stares at you for a long time, as if considering something. It drew a horizontal line, then made a motion like breaking a stick. "Do not break it.")

"I promise, I really do, alright?" (You smile at Mal.) "I, I don't want to hurt you, okay? I promise, from the bottom of my heart."

(Mal looks you up and down. Takes a moment, breathing in, and out. It patted its chest with an open palm. "I'm scared.")

"Whuh?" (Mal? Afraid?) "W-what of? Did someone-"

(It shook its head, it held up a hand, paused, then continued. It patted its chest again, and then made a hand motion from you to it.)

("I'm scared of falling in love with you.")

(Your eyes widen and your breathing quickens. What?!? could that mean??? What could that possibly mean?!?)

"Y-you're. . ."

(It nodded, it was shaking.)

(You were, so, so confused. A-and, worried, and. . .) ". . . Do you, want, to talk about it?"

(It took a minute to reply, taking it's other hand back, it shakily took a hand and tapped its chest, drawing a line, then made a slashing motion. "I don't want to be hurt.")

"You're. . . Worried about me hurting you?" (Why would you hurt it?)

(It placed a cupped hand over the other, open palms moving away. It pauses, then pats its chest, and makes a slashing motion. "I protect Sleepwalker, I'm scared I'll fail.")

(Sleepwalker? Oh Right! That was Siffrin! It was hard to do full names in sign language so, nicknames. It was scared it couldn't protect Siffrin if it. . . Oh.)

(It raises it's hand, stops, unsure what to say. It looks away, shaking even harder.)

". . . Mal?"

(It looks at you.)

"You're, you're scared that, i-if, you and me are, a-a, a thing, then. . ."

(It nods.)

(It wants to protect Siffrin, more than anything. That's, that's what it is after all, right? A protector? Someone who takes care of the body, the host, Siffrin. It's done that job so well, so. . . Personal. It's, it's surpressing everything including you, but.)

(But that's something you can both agree on!)

"Let me help you then!!" (You lean in close.) "I-I, I want to make sure Sif's safe too! I want him to be happy a-and, and not to have to worry about these loops or memories, or anything! So, so. . ."

(It's looking at you, bewilderment having broken through that mask of neutrality. It opens its mouth, and closes it.)

". . . Please."

(It's looking at you, its face, it's, hard to describe. It does so well at hiding it's emotions, even though it's mask is cracking more and more with each word you say. Eventually, it gently claps its hands and holds a palm to you. "Promise?")

(You take its hand and hold it close.) "I promise! I-I promise with all my life! A-and. . ." (Oh Change come on Isabeau, no, don't freeze up now, just say it!)

(Say it! Say it!!)

"A-and, and I'll protect you too!! B-because I love you!!"

(It's shocked, you're shocked too, honestly. You didn't think you'd have, have the courage to, t-to just say that! Here! Now! But now your words are falling effortlessly out of our mouth.)

"I-I've, I've been thinking about when we kissed every day and! A-and about all you went through in Jouvente, a-and! And I don't want you to think you're alone in this!! One of the first things I learned as a Defender was to find someone to have your back. To find someone you can trust a-and-" (Oh Change, you had butterflies in your stomach.)

(You continue.) "I-I want to be that person for you! I want you to, t-to be able to feel safe! Like you don't need to fight the world on your own!! Because, b-because I trust you! And I love you! And I'll always be there to fight the world right by your side!!"

(That. . . That was a lot wow, ok. How long have you been holding all THAT in, Isabeau? You take a second to catch your breath.) "I-I, I know, that, that was a lot, but-"

(It shuts you up with a kiss.)

(. . . . . You, you just forgot everything you were about to say. I-it, it's kisisng you, it, it's kissing you and isn't moving away quite y-yet a and that's MORE than fine by you t-that's, that's, oh you're gonna just die here and now!)

(You put an arm gently on it's side, it flinches, but doesn't move. It puts a hand to your chest, it's cold, but that's ok. Oh, oh you feel so hot, you're deffinatly blushing! Eventually, it moves away, it's mouth hanging open a little, showing more emotion than it ever has before. It pats its chest with a fist. "Sorry.")

(It takes you a moment to register it, you were extremely flustered and still catching up.) "I- n-no! N-nono no need for sorry I, was, surprised, b-but a good surprised like! Like a surprise gift, o-or a-"

(It kisses you again!)

(This time for much shorter but! B-but it still, kissed you! again!! When it moved back again you squeaked out a reply.) "O-okgotitmessagerecieved."

(It smiled at you. Actually smiled. This, this was a first! You were trying really hard not to, well, loose it just a little bit! With one hand, it made a rising gesture from its chest towards you. "I love you.")

"I love you, too." (You say effortlessly.)

(It looks at you, and tilts its head, considering somthing . . . It made a grabbing fist, then tapped itself. "Trust me?")

(You nod enthusiastically.) "Of course trust you!"

(Mal breathes in, and out. It pauses for a minute, then grabs your hand, and lays it out flat, palm up. It does the same with it's own palm.)

(With its other hand, it draws its dagger, and places the sharp edge against its own palm. It looks up to you, for. . . Confirmation? What was it doing?)

(You nod. Mal cuts open its palm, it doesnt flinch, there's blood. It moves the dagger to your hand where it hesitates for longer before cutting your hand open as well. You wince, ouch. Looking up at Mals face, it looked a bit sad that it hurt you. You smile at it, that makes it feel better.)

(You look down to you and Mals wounded hands, an elaborate ritual that Mal Du Pays would want to share with you? Was, was it a wish? If it was, should you just follow Mals example? Should you wish for something?)

(You do, don't you. And you knew what it would be. The same thing you wished for back in Dormont. You wished that Siffrin, Mal, and everyone else who was sharing that head would be okay. That's what you wanted.)

(Mal Du Pays held it's hand up, bloody palm facing you. You do the same back, it nods in approval. A moment, later, your hands are entwined, it stings, but that's ok. Mal closed it's eyes, you do the same. This was where you wished, righ?)

(It was. You could feel it.)

(You wish that they're ok, you wish that they're ok, you wish that they're ok. . .)

(It's. What. You. Want.)

(. . . It, it must really trust you. You knew it was protective of it's memories and wishes. After all, it keep nearly destroying countries.)

(Your hand still stings from the cut, that's ok. You feel a tap on your arm and open your eyes, Mal's smiling at you.)

"Y-you ok?" (It nods, almost enthusiastically.) "h-ha, that was, u-uh-, that was a wish, right?"

(It nods, clapping it's hands and putting a palm to you, then with it's thumbs and index fingers makes a star. "A promise Wish.")

"O-oh!" (You blush a bit more, looking to the side.) "I-I, I won't break it. Promise."

(It reaches you out to you, and gently turns your head back to it. It's smiling, and leans in close. Your heart, you can feel it beat out of your chest. It's. . . It looks so beautiful. You lean in close and-)

(You hear a click from the front door.)

(You blink and Mal was standing a few steps away, face back to its usual neutrality. After your brain catches up to you, you frantically start work on the veil again as the door opens.)

"I'm home!!" (It was Mirabelle.)

"M-Mira! Welcome back!" (You say in your most convincing voice.)

"Hi Isabeau!" (Mirabelle walked into the room.) "Did the siblings go out- oh! Mourning sif."

(Mal waved a hello, then turned and left. Change, it was such a better actor than you.)

"O-oh, sorry, I-I meant-"

"I-its alright, Mira." (You smile, trying to stay normal.) "We're just, all getting used to it!"

"I-I know, just- AAH!!" (Mirabelle rushes over to you.) "Y-your hand!! What happened!!!"

"Wh-" (You look down, CRAB!!! You forgot the cut!! Uh, u-uh-) "O-oh! Oh it's nothing! I-I just cut myself sewing, it's no big deal!"

"Don't be silly! Here, let me see." (She put a hand over yours, and with a bit of healing craft the cut closes. You open and close your hand a few times.) "How is the veil coming along?"

"Well. . ." (Your hand tingles a bit. What a morning is been. . . You and Mal are, well, a thing now! A-and, you made a wish together! Even if, you didn't know what it wished for.)