#irewnt

-----

It was a rare evening off during camp, and you and a couple of the girls decided to head into the city. You loved camp and the traveling that came with it for matches, but you hated that you were confined to the same spaces for long durations of time, so nights like these were once you always looked forward to.

Denise, Grace, and Katie tagged along for your plans. Not that you had very elaborate plans, just getting some dinner, and going on a walk around town after. The girls were good with whatever you had in mind, and followed your lead.

It was always nice to catch up with them, all of you playing for different teams, and usually only seeing each other during camp, or on the rare occasion that you played each other’s teams. You grew up with these girls, and it was always lovely to be around them again.

Dinner was filled with chatter and laughter, just like it always was. You and Katie were sitting next to each other with Grace and Denise on the other side of the table. By the time dessert came around, you were all a little delirious, laughing all evening with your best friends does that to a person.

You posed for the hundred pictures of tonight, taking a quick look at it before pocketing your phone again when the waiter brought the desserts the table ordered. Only one bite in and Katie already reached over to take a bite of your dish, you just continued talking with Grace like nothing happened, and it didn’t. There wasn’t a meal you had with Katie where she wouldn’t try some of your food, it had happened so often now that it was basically a tradition. 

Usually you also took a bite of Katie’s food back, but when Katie realised you were too deep into conversation to grab your bite of her food, she scooped some on her spoon and held it out in front of your mouth. You look down and then to her, smiling at the sweet gesture to keep the not so official tradition alive. You ate the scoop of dessert of her held out spoon, and continued your conversation with Grace.

When everyone finished their dessert, you pulled out your phone again, the camera app already open. “We don’t have any silly ones yet.” You said, a cheeky grin already forming on your face, as you started pointing the camera to your friends, and taking pictures at odd angles, trying to make them laugh. 

Your camera roll filled with tons of pictures, and you only stopped once the waiter brought your table the bill. With the bill paid, the four of you headed outside. The weather was still nice out, the fresh air hit nicely after sitting inside for so long.

You look at the last couple pictures in your camera roll, looking to see the beauties you might have captured. Snorting instantly at a close up picture of Katie mid-conversation, so her face looked to be in a shape no human’s face should ever be. “Oh, I am so posting that.”

“Let me see.” Katie says, already looking over at your phone. “Oh god, no please don’t.” But she saw that look in your eyes that she knew all too well, you had made up your mind and nothing was going to stop you from posting that picture. Still she was going to do everything in her power to stop you. And with everything in her power, she meant literally using her strength to try and pry your phone out of your hand so she could delete the picture off your phone before you would ever be able to show it to the world.

Grace and Denise just watched the two of you fighting over your phone with amused smiles on their faces. It was almost like back when you were all still just kids, the two of you really hadn’t changed that much according to the people that had seen you acting like this for years and years.

Once you were back at camp, you each headed your own way, but you quickly found your way to Grace her room. Besides Katie, she was the closest friend you had in the team, and therefore you valued her opinion highly, only speaking your thoughts out loud wasn't easy.

You enter her room and let yourself fall down onto the bed with a deep sigh that instantly signals Grace that something is up. “You good?” She giggles, not having any clue of the struggle that is going on in your head right now. Only once you sit up and she sees the serious look on your face, she gets serious as well and sits down with you.

After another deep breath, you finally share what’s been on your mind. “I think I like Katie.” Grace stays quiet for a moment, thinking there was going to be more but that was it. She breaks out in laughter, “Yeah, no shit Sherlock.” 

But you’re not laughing with her, you’re just looking back with a face full of confusion. Grace quiets down again, “Wait..you’re not together?” 

You jump up, now even more confused. “No? Why would you think that?” Now Grace is the one that looks confused. “Oh, maybe because you spend every waking hour attached at the hip, are the closest people I have ever met, argue like an old married couple, and oh I don’t know the double dates we’ve been on?”

“What?” Is all you manage to say. “No. No! This is not happening.” Grace lifts her hands up in surrender, “You came to me. What is going on?”

You sit back down with a sigh of defeat. “I came here telling you that I might have feelings for Katie. Feelings that I should not be feeling at all, feelings that are wrong, and you’re telling me that people have been thinking we were a couple?”

“Yup, I genuinely thought that you were past your internalised homophobia fully and that the two of you had been dating for years now.” Your eyes widden, “Years? Oh my god.” 

Growing up you were taught that homosexuality was a sin. It was hammered into you from a young age, it was already a big step when your friends started coming out when you were younger. You had to learn your own beliefs, and see that it wasn’t a sin, that they were the same people you had always known. But having feelings for a girl yourself brought a whole new level of trauma to the surface.

Grace was one of the people you had openly spoken with about the trauma, and the beliefs you had been taught. She was one of the people that made you see that your parents, and their take on your religion was wrong.

She sees you fading away, deep into your own mind. “Hey,” She says, nudging you with her shoulder. “Why is this actually stressing you out?” 

“Because it’s Katie. It’s not just a random crush that I can experiment with, and see how I actually feel. If I get this wrong, I will lose her.” Grace shakes her head, “You’re never losing her, and definitely not over this.”

“What makes you so sure of that?” You say in disbelief after her quick answer. She shrugs her shoulders, “Because it’s Katie.” Your head instantly turns so you can glare at Grace, “That explains exactly nothing.” She chuckles at your slight frustration. “Just as it is clear as day that you love Katie,-” 

“I never said that!” You quickly interrupt as your heart skips a beat. “No, but I know you do. Just as clear as it is that you love her, it is clear that she loves you too. Like I said, you’re already acting like a couple all of the time. The way she looks at you isn’t just friendly, trust me.”

You take in everything she’s saying, and stay quiet for a moment. In your head you’re thinking a million things at once, going over every little interaction you’ve had with Katie, trying to see things from Grace's perspective and suddenly things click.

“Oh my god, I am in love with Katie.” Grace smiles knowingly. “What do I do now?”

“Maybe just something small, like stop pretending you don’t already act like a couple. Lean into it a bit and see what she does.” She suggested it like it was the most logical thing in the world. 

But your stomach flips even at the thought. “That sounds like a horrible idea.” Grace shakes her head, “You know it’s a great idea, you’re just scared that it might actually work.” She stated matter of factly. 

You groan and let yourself fall back down onto the bed. “I hate you.” She laughs, “No, you don’t.” She leans down to look you in the eyes. “You’re just freaking out because you’re about to flirt with Katie on purpose.” 

To end the conversation you grab the pillow above your head and smack it into Grace, who joins in with another pillow instantly.

The next day at training was as normal as ever, except it wasn’t. Every time your eyes locked with Katie, your heart skipped a beat. Or when she would brush past you like she always does, but now you notice it. Every little interaction with her sticks in your mind.

Training ends, and you’re walking back with Katie by your side, again something not out of the ordinary, but it feels different. The way her hand brushes past yours, the way she laughs at a joke one of the girls made, the way she bumps into you when she turns around slightly to talk to someone. You're in your own head, not speaking as much as you usually would, but you thought she didn’t notice, too busy with everyone around you.

You couldn’t have been more wrong though. When you’re all done and heading back to your rooms, Katie pulls you into her room. She walks right in and plops down on her bed, looking back at you with confusion written all over her face. You had closed the door behind you and stayed standing against the door. 

“You can come in, you know? I don’t bite.” She adds a wink to be funny, but it just gets to you more than the rest of the day has been. “I’m good here, what’s up?” You wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. Grace’s words kept repeating in your head ‘Lean into it. Flirt with her on purpose.’, but why was that so scary? 

“You’ve been off all day, just wanted to see if you were okay.” Katie said softly, nothing in her words sounded accusing, just genuinely caring about you. “Yeah, I’m fine.” You shrug your shoulders with your response but stay standing far away from the bed.

Katie gets up and takes a few steps forward, “You’ve barely said two sentences to me, every time I look at you, you look away like I’ve caught you doing something illegal. Everytime I get near you, you take a step back.” She takes another step forwards, and chuckles when you prove her point instantly. “Did I do something? You can tell me, you know?”

“You didn’t do anything.” You say quickly, you’re creating a whole mess of everything, but the last thing you want is for Katie to think she did something wrong. Katie just keeps standing there, patiently waiting for you to feel comfortable enough to tell her what’s going on. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

Grace’s words play in your head again, ‘Lean into it.’, so after a deep sigh, you do.

“I’ve just been noticing things.” You say nervously, not daring to look at Katie. She stays patient, her voice softens, “Noticing what?” Asking for clarification without pushing you too much.

You look up at her now, your eyes connected. For a moment it feels like she’s looking into your soul and knows exactly what you were thinking. Your heart was beating a million miles an hour, yet you couldn’t look away anymore.

“You.” 

It stays quiet, your eyes still connected. Nothing seems to change in Katie’s expression, only maybe her eyes softened just a little bit. You stared at each other in silence, you swear you could hear your heart beating in your ears. 

“I don’t know why I said that.” You turn around, “It was stupid.” as you’re about to step away, wanting to leave the room and the moment you had just created, Katie catches your arm.

“Don’t go.” She says while she gently pulls you back around. You end up closer to her than you were before.  “It’s not stupid. I’m glad you’re noticing things.” She moves her thumb gently over your wrist, before letting go of you. She keeps standing where she is, and gives you the chance to step away if you want to. “Yeah?”

She nods with a smile, “Yeah.” Without thinking, you take a small step forwards. Katie looks down for a moment to the space you were closing, and then back up at you. “You sure?” She says to check to see if you were actually ready. You nod, “Yeah, just might take me a bit.”

Katie lifts her hand up to your cheek and caresses it with her thumb. You lean into her touch and close your eyes. “I’ll be here waiting until you are.” She says, followed by a whispered, “Like I have been.” Your eyes fly open at the last part. “What do you mean?”

She smiles, her eyes shining in a way you haven’t seen before. “I think we’ve been us for a while now, you just weren’t ready yet, so I waited until you were.” 

You let her words land, she’s been there with you all this time and was waiting for you to catch up on your feelings. Now you were there, but you were still scared. 

“What if I mess this up?” You ask, speaking your fears. “What if I try this, and I freak out? I don’t know how to do this properly.” Katie’s thumb moves over your cheek again, “I don’t need proper from you, we can just figure it out together.”

“Together.” You repeat as if it was a word filled with more meaning than it should. Katie just nodded, and kept looking at you lovingly, not making any moves. Just letting you take the lead, do everything at your pace. 

Then you take another step forwards, now closing any distance between your bodies. Katie’s hand on your cheek with her thumb caressing your cheek keeps you grounded. You lean in slowly, until the last bit of distance is closed.

Your lips are on Katie’s and it feels better than you could have ever imagined. Katie kisses you back softly, even after waiting all those years, there was no rush behind the kiss. She smiled into the kiss, which finally made you relax into the kiss.

Your hands find her hips, hesitant at first, like you’re not fully sure if you’re allowed to. In response Katie leans into you, just enough to tell you that it’s okay. The kiss deepens, not in urgency but in certainty. 

When you finally break away from the kiss to catch your breaths, Katie leans her forehead against yours. “Definitely worth the wait.” You stay like that for a moment until she pulls you in for a hug.

You melt into her touch, and stay there for a while, neither one of you in a rush to move. Katie’s hand traces slow, absent patterns against your back, grounding you in the moment. Subconsciously making sure you know she’s in this with you.

Eventually, she pulls back just enough to look at you again, “You okay?” You nod, while a tear rolls down your cheek. She wipes it away gently. “Yeah, that was just terrifying.”

Katie keeps her hand on your cheek, moving her thumb in soothing patterns. “I get it, this is all new. Going from what we were to this is a big step.” She lifts your face up gently so you’re face to face again. “We are taking this as slow as you need us to go. Fully at your pace, no need to rush anything. I am here, and I am not going anywhere.”

You nod slowly, letting her words settle in. “Can we like watch a movie or do something relaxing?” Katie’s face lights up, a fast change from the serious expression she had on her face before. “Yes! I love our movie nights.”

She sits back against the headboard of her bed and is already starting up Netflix on the TV. You step closer to the bed, you always watched movies in the same bed, so why did it feel different this time? 

When Katie turned your way with a bright smile on your face, it all felt normal again. She patted the spot next to her, and you plopped down beside her. Already leaning into her side before the movie even started. Katie pressed a kiss to the top of your head, it made you feel safe and comfortable. You cuddle further into her side, and she wraps her arm around you before pressing play on one of your favourite movies.

-----