#irenadler

thank you so much!! i’m really proud of the way it came out and i’m glad you like it too!

Thank you so much. She passed away on Saturday and the funeral is in a couple days. At 88 years old, she was my last remaining grandparent, and we were very close. My parents and I are heart-broken. I haven’t slept since she passed away. I can’t stop crying and thinking about her. Her passing came suddenly, it all happened within just two weeks as she went from an energetic and active lady, to feeling very sick and not being able to walk without help, and she couldn’t eat anymore. It was a shocking transformation that made us worry constantly.

Doctors diagnosed her with liver tumor and told us she could be gone “quite soon”. Of course, in those two weeks my parents and I obsessed over what “quite soon” could mean. A month? Three? How long is “quite soon”? You know how it is, a part of you may be expecting her to die soon but then when the day arrives, it always comes too soon.

And we truly didn’t expect her to pass this soon. She simply fell asleep peacefully in the afternoon (her heart gave out), she didn’t know she had a tumor and she was looking forward to coming home to my parents soon, we all talked about it before and she agreed to us taking care of her from now on. I held her hand and talked to her for the last time before she had to be brought to the ER again, I didn’t know I’ll never see her again. :( She was only with us for two days before she had to return to the hospital because she still couldn’t eat. I’ll always treasure those two days with her. I keep reliving our last conversations over and over again. She waved at me sweetly before paramedics carried her away, and I’ll keep that image of her in my mind always.

Due to covid-19, there were no visiting hours at the hospital and we couldn’t visit her at all, just like there are tight restrictions for the funeral - only 10 people are allowed to attend, which was another huge blow for us and for everyone who wanted to come. The person who plays the trumpet at the funeral also counts, which means there’s only 9 spaces left for family, and if there’s a choir, even less spaces. :(

Compromises had to be made and we decided to not include any strangers and only invite the closest family members, while others, including grandma’s neighbours who lived in the same apartment block and loved her and knew her for several decades, said they’ll pay their respects as a group at a later date. It’s heart-breaking they can’t come with us but they all understood and said they don’t want us to pay a fine for breaking the rules, there’s actually an inspection at every funeral and if there’s 11 people, you get into huge trouble.

Grandma’s best friend is (was) a wonderful little old lady who lives next door, and she was waiting for grandma to come back from the hospital so they could chat and sit together and share stories again like they did before every day, and it was so incredibly soul-crushing to see her break into tears and wail when she heard the news grandma is never coming back. Everyone they’ve been friends with for decades have already passed away, and this little old lady is the last one from their group who remains. She must be lonely and hurting so much, being the last one left. We’ll keep her company as much as we can.

Grandma and I were supposed to go to the seaside together in early September. We were both looking forward to the vacation, we’ve done trips like that before and it was always fun to make plans and organize together, go to festivals and museums, etc. Having to cancel the reservation broke my heart all over again. Right now it feels like I’ll never be happy or smile again. I’m a huge mess.