#ireallydid

Last year, one of our tasks for our public speaking class was to write a poem. I’ve never written poetry before (I’ve attempted, but failed numerous times). And no way am I good compared to people like Kimchi, Mia, Kasih, Myra, Anise and Intan. In conclusion, I suck. Nevertheless, I had to write one.  I had so many ideas in my head that I couldn’t put into words. So, after days and days of pondering, I got it (on the day before the dateline wudupp). On the way to our first fancy dinner quest, I started writing while Gyenice drove. 

In the end, I finished it. And I guess I’m pretty proud of it. Proud enough to post it here, at least. It’s nowhere near good, but it’s good enough for me. 

I was really nervous while performing it, because my friends were watching, even Yasser and Nelson (who weren’t in public speaking) came to watch me. I distinctly remember Yasser saying “Inarah do it well, I came here just to watch you okay” lmaoooo, it made me so nervous. The pictures below are screenshots from the video he took of me. Yes, there’s a video, but it sucks. 

(I was wearing glasses because I stayed up to finish writing and couldn’t put my contacts on because my eyes were too tired. Why didn’t I write it earlier you ask? I couldn’t! I just couldn’t wrap my head around this whole thing till the very last minute, as with my other assignments as well. This proves that I can only get my brain to work properly when i’m under pressure... uhoh)

Anywayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, here it is. 

... .. .

Everything that’s on my mind

I’d like to think of my mind as vast vast like the ocean or a long empty street vast like a field of blossoms or the sky which is out of my reach 

but right now the currents are strong in this ocean of mine the street is bustling with traffic my field of blossoms are on the verge of wilting and in my sky, there’s a thunderstorm

let’s start with 3 syllables frus-tra-tion Frustration a type of irritation or a kind of exasperation you know, the kind that makes Malays sigh and say *sigh* “Aku frus lah” or the kind that makes profanity your mother tongue FUCK SHIT PANTAT BODOH BABI SIAL 

The frustration of having nothing to wear The frustration of having no money to spare The frustration of having too many things to do The frustration of having the cough and the flu The frustration of having to scratch my skin But even though I don’t want to, my impulse always wins The frustration of having too little time The frustration of not being able to rhyme The frustration of writing this poem Which probably isn’t even poetry But at least I tried

Anyway What’s the opposite of up? Down And by down, I don’t mean down low on the ground I mean down as in blue, as in sad, as in feeling like poo basically The things that make me sad are great in quantity But I have to admit, they’re pretty petty I spend hours being sad about the fact that Parallel lines have a lot in common but they never meet And then I get sadder when I think of the fact that Every other pair of lines meet once and they never meet again I get sad thinking about the soft toys I haven’t spent time with I get sad thinking about how the world believes that fairies and mermaids are a myth I get sad thinking about technology Poverty Apologies Yeap, these things have a hold on me

I know you might be thinking, wow, is that it? Well Those aren’t the only things that go on in my head There are some things that I think about And believe me, I don’t only get sad Heck I get worried, and anxious So much that sometimes I can’t even sleep I get worried thinking about my friends And whether or not they will turn around and leave me Because isn’t that what happens in our fleeting lives? Everyone leaves eventually I get worried thinking about life in a few years What will I be? Where will I be? Who will I be with? I get worried thinking about life without my parents My backbone, more important than my hand phone If I could, I’d put them on a throne But every single time, I think of my parents and a tombstone The currents in my head get stronger, and the traffic on the street gets louder The blossoms in my field dry out and the sky in my head blacks out Because they’re the most important things to me like a chair, and a table or a shoe, and a shoelace sure, I’d manage without them, but without them I’d be incomplete and I wish I could tell them this but I know I can’t the same way I get worried thinking about how my siblings are growing each and every day And I can’t show them I love them in any way because I can’t speak my heart, as much as I want to I get embarrassed and shy, I’ll practically become see through And in a few years, things aren’t going to be the same I get worried thinking about how one day, Even my cats won’t be here to stay And this crushes me to the core

But with all these negative emotions flowing through There has to be some positive ones too So let me tell you about the ocean breeze how by the bustling street, there are trees and in my blossom field there are bees And in my sky, amongst all the unease, sometimes, I can see sunrays behind the storm clouds

And that’s what I call happiness Happiness is arriving home to see that there’s food left for me Happiness is drinking a glass of cold milk tea Happiness is learning a song on the piano and playing it smoothly for the first time ever Happiness is eating ice cream during the hot weather Happiness is laughing with your friends Happiness is crying with your friends and realising that They are your friends Happiness is procrastinating but still being able to pass a test Happiness is being able to rest after a day of getting stressed Happiness is listening to music that you love Happiness is looking up and above And realising that that shiny little thing up in the sky is not an aeroplane It’s a star And amongst all this pollution that has no solution Sometimes, if you look hard enough The stars can still be seen

Happiness is what I feel amongst all of you And I hope you think of me as someone who makes you happy too And with that I thank you all for visiting the mess that is my mind The doors are always open You’re welcome to come back and visit any time.

Thank you.

Written by me, on the 11th of November 2017.

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I felt the need to post that, to look back a little. If you couldn’t tell, I tried to put everything I was feeling into this poem. I hope you liked it.