#interred

Stephen Hawking’s ashes to be interred near Sir Isaac Newton’s grave

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Image caption The professor was a fellow at Gonville and Caius College for more than 50 years

The ashes of Professor Stephen Hawking will be interred next to the grave of Sir Isaac Newton at Westminster Abbey, it has been revealed.

The renowned theoretical physicist’s final resting place will also be near that…

“UNTITLED FUNERAL PLAY (THRU PAGE 29)” by DJS

The good work continues.

The scene is the interior of six cars, part of a funeral procession.

The action should be staged as simply and unadorned as possible— perhaps stealing a page from the theatre of Thornton Wilder, eg chairs or benches for car seats, mimed driving, etc. Minimal props and lighting; once the lights come up, they stay up. The company is onstage for the duration of the show.

This includes the sound operator and stage manager (preferably the same person), along with their equipment. They should have a small station in full view of the audience.

There is an inherent challenge in this approach in that actors— even when they’re not the primary focus of a scene— must remain “on” at all times, filling every moment with real life, even if that just means breathing.

The actors are all dressed in black funeral attire.

 Characters (by car – *indicates the driver)

#1- Margaret (50s, funeral director) / Glenn* (her step-son, funeral attendant)

#2- Jim (70s, the widower) / Eric* (his elder son) / Mindy (Eric’s wife)

#3- Beth* (Jim’s daughter) / Doug (Beth’s husband) / Kenzie (their 16 year old daughter) / Ry (Eric and Mindy’s 19 year old son)

#4- Andy* (Jim’s younger son) / Kelly (Andy’s wife) / Carter (their 15 year old son) / Clay (their 12 year old son)

#5- Wade* (Jim’s younger brother) / Ellen (Wade’s wife) / John (Jim’s older brother) / Bailey (John’s young wife)

#6- Nita (the deceased’s sister) / Pammy* (Nita’s daughter)

 Organ music. Church bells toll. The funeral service has just let out. The company enter to their respective cars.

Margaret waits in the passenger seat of #1. She wears reading glasses, consulting a clipboard.

After a few moments, Glenn hustles over and gets behind the wheel.

MARGARET We all set back there?

GLENN          Almost, yeah.

MARGARET People got their flags?

GLENN                      Yep, all the cars got at least one, with the last vehicle making sure to have two.

MARGARET             What about our escort?

GLENN                      Ready to go. They sent us Officer Daniels again which is nice since he knows the route. The other guy I’m less familiar with, I think he might be new.

MARGARET             Just as long as Daniels takes the lead.

                                   He is taking the lead, correct?

GLENN                      Oh yeah. I mean yes.

MARGARET             And you reminded everyone about their hazards – to make sure they’re on?

GLENN                      I did.

MARGARET             What about headlights?

Slight beat

GLENN                      Oh. Shoot.

MARGARET             You didn’t remind them to turn on their headlights?

GLENN                      Well I thought because it’s the middle of the day on a perfectly sunny day –

MARGARET             Doesn’t matter. It’s a law, Glenn.

GLENN                      Yes.

MARGARET             You better run and tell everyone now before Officer Daniels realizes and we end up wasting even more time.

GLENN                      Yes, I –

                                   OK.

MARGARET             The last thing we need is a lecture that we don’t know how to conduct our business. Or a bad Yelp review.

GLENN          Right.

MARGARET So make it fast.

Glenn nods. Over the next bit, he will go from car to car telling the rest of the drivers to turn on their headlights.

Pammy struggles to load Nita’s collapsible walker into the backseat of #6.

NITA  Pammy…

PAMMY         What is it, Mom?

NITA  I think… I think I left it. I think I forgot it.

PAMMY         Forgot what?

NITA  My purse. Is it in the backseat with you? Did you grab it?

PAMMY                     No I didn’t grab your purse. It’s your purse. You think you left it inside, in the church?

NITA                          Well that’s the only place that makes sense. I mean I had it earlier.

PAMMY                     Well they’re about to – I mean we’re about to get going here –

NITA                          Pammy I can’t leave my purse, it’s got all my prescriptions, I’m gonna need to take ‘em at lunch –

PAMMY                     Mom –

NITA                          And we’re one of the last cars. If you hurry –

                                   I need my pills Pammy, now you know that. Maybe you can explain it to the guy, the one who’s organizing everything, I just saw him get out of his – the hearse up there. Maybe there’s a holdup for some reason and you actually have time.

PAMMY                     Fine.

NITA                          Ohh thank you, Pammy, thank you.

PAMMY                     Don’t thank me. I mean you gotta have your pills, right?

Pammy starts to exit

NITA                          You know, he’s cute.

PAMMY                     What?

NITA                          The guy. The one they got driving – the attendant, whatever he’s called.

PAMMY                     You mean the guy that works for the funeral home?

NITA                          Yeah, did you see him?

Slight beat

PAMMY                     He’s an undertaker.

NITA                          You don’t know that, you don’t know if he actually works on the bodies. Maybe he just helps with the flower arrangements, and the guest book and stuff.

PAMMY                     Mom I’m gay.

NITA                          You had a girlfriend for a couple years after college, that’s not the same thing.

A pause. Then Pammy shuts the door on her mother and exits.

In #2

JIM                              You didn’t have to sit back there, Mindy.

MINDY                      Oh it’s fine, Jim, don’t worry about it.

JIM                              You got enough leg room? I can move my seat forward –

ERIC                           She’s fine, Dad.

JIM                              Wait a minute – where’s what’s his name? Ryan.

ERIC                           He’s riding with Beth and Doug.

JIM                              How come?

ERIC                           Well, so you’d have some more privacy.

JIM                              Oh, because I’m gonna start crying? Don’t want the kid to see me balling my eyes out?

ERIC                           It’s not like that Dad –

JIM                              You’re trying to manage me.

ERIC                           Dad that’s not –

JIM                              Everyone today has got their kid gloves on with me and I wish they would just stop. Like your brother –

MINDY                      No one is trying to manage you, Jim –          

JIM                              Your brother: did you see what he did? Did you see the shit he tried to pull – as we were going up the stairs he takes my arm. Just grabs me by the elbow. Like I can’t walk up four steps, like I’m gonna fall.

ERIC                           Yeah.

JIM                              My wife died, I didn’t lose all sense of gravity.

MINDY                      Everyone’s just trying to help, Jim. People want to be there for you.

JIM                              I just don’t need my fucking hand held, that’s all.

Beat

                                   So are we getting this show on the road or what?

In #5, the women are in the backseat.

ELLEN                       Wasn’t it just a lovely service? Somber without being too morose, you know? Didn’t you think, Wade?

WADE                        Best one we been to this month.

ELLEN                       Oh please don’t joke like that.

BAILEY                     Do you guys really go to a lot of a funerals?

ELLEN                       Well we do have our share, I’m sad to say. As times goes by, more and more –

BAILEY                     Hey John.

JOHN                          Yeah what is it, cutie?

BAILEY                     How come you don’t go to more funerals?

JOHN                          I dunno. They probably forget I’m still alive so don’t invite me.

WADE                        You are getting up there, kid.

ELLEN                       Speaking of which, how’s your heart been John? Are you still taking the Plavix was it?

John nods.

ELLEN                       Yeah? What do you they have you on for your blood pressure then – anything? Wade’s still doing the Enduron twice a day. It’s only a diuretic because they say it’s only so elevated his blood pressure, not in the real danger area yet.

WADE                        Except it’s got me pissing like a damn racehorse. I’m talking I’m up three-four times a night –

JOHN                          Bailey knows. She keeps track of all that stuff for me now.

WADE                        Girl’s a godsend. I’m telling you John, you’re lucky to have her.

JOHN                          Think I don’t know that?

Bailey digs in her large bag, taking out several prescription pill bottles and reading the labels

BAILEY         Let’s see, what do we got. Metformin, Celebrex, Levitra…

JOHN                          Walking around with a pharmacy in her purse all because of my old ass.

ELLEN                       Oh now don’t say that John, I’m sure she doesn’t mind too much.

JOHN                          God I hope not. I’d be lost without her. No worse – dead. Dead and buried if it wasn’t for my little sugar cookie here.

                                   (To Bailey) Isn’t that right?

He reaches back and pats Bailey’s thigh. She takes his hand and squeezes it while still scanning pill bottles.

WADE            Keeps you young.

JOHN  That’s the idea.

BAILEY         (proudly) Here we go: Inderal. “To relieve hypertension.”

Pammy enters with Nita’s purse, crossing paths with Glenn on the way back to her car.

PAMMY         Oh. Is something wrong?

GLENN                      No I just forgot to tell everyone to turn on their regular lights too— uhh, headlights.

PAMMY                     Oh. OK thanks.

GLENN                      Safety precaution. It’s actually the law.

PAMMY                     I will then, thank you.

He goes. She gets back in her car, shoving the purse at Nita, who smiles.

NITA                          What was that?

PAMMY                     Nothing. Shut up.

In #3, Kenzie is crying. Doug coughs into a tissue.

BETH                          I really don’t know what the holdup is. We should be getting going any minute now, least that’s what the guy said.

Slight pause

                                   Hey, you did good today, Ry.

RY                              What do you mean? Oh the speech?

BETH                          The eulogy, yes, thank you, you didn’t have to. It was very sweet. I think your grandma would have liked it.

RY                              It was weird. I was surprised when Dad asked me.

BETH                          My idea. I know you fancy yourself a writer, so… Plus you did that speech and debate stuff in high school. It was very eloquent – you were, that is.

                                   (To Doug) Don’t you think, honey?

DOUG                        Yeah and you kept it short which was nice.

He blows his nose as Beth shoots him an irritated glance.

KENZIE                     Was it your idea to include the Berenstain Bears stuff?

RY                              What? Oh, yeah.

KENZIE                     Because Grandma would always read them to us, right?

RY                              Yeah.

KENZIE                     She had the whole collection.

RY                              A bunch, yeah.

KENZIE                     I liked that, that you quoted that.

RY                              Oh good. Thanks –

KENZIE                     I’m missing a big softball tournament for this but I don’t care.

RY                              Sorry.

KENZIE                     Who do you think is going to get those books?

RY                              What?

KENZIE                     If anything they should get split up between us grandkids.

RY                              Sure –

KENZIE                     But maybe not Carter and Clay because they didn’t really – they weren’t really a part of that, you know? I mean whenever they went over to Grandma and Grandpa’s they just wanted to play their DS’s or watch stupid shows on Cartoon Network, and even when Grandma would offer – so the books mean way more to us than them.

There is the blurt of a police siren; a signal that the procession is about to begin.

RY                              Yeah –

KENZIE                     So we’re on the same page?

RY                              I – I guess.

KENZIE                     Mom?

BETH                          Yes what sweetie? I think we’re about to get started here.

KENZIE                     Mom, have you even been listening to our conversation?

BETH                          I think so. You were talking about some books –

KENZIE                     Grandma’s collection of Berenstain Bear books. Ry and I think they should go to us.

BETH                          OK –

KENZIE                     So if it comes up, or if there’s a problem with Carter and Clay for some reason where they say they want them, you won’t let it happen?

BETH                          I don’t know sweetie. That’s not really where my head’s at today.

KENZIE                     You don’t think it’s important?

BETH                          Well there’s a lot happening...

KENZIE                     Dad.

DOUG                        (who’s dozed off) Hm? What?

KENZIE                     Grandma’s collection of Berenstain bear books – you remember?

DOUG                        Uh. Kind of. Why?

KENZIE                     Ryan and I want them.

DOUG                        OK. I’m sure you can, I’m sure that won’t be a – I mean your grandfather’s not gonna care –

BETH                          Can we just please everyone discuss this at another time please? That’s my mom in the back of the hearse up there and I’m getting ready to put her in the ground, so if it’s all the same…

Silence.

The procession begins. Beth puts the car in drive.

In #4

CLAY                         Hey Mom can you plug my phone in?

KELLY                       How much power does it have left? Because I have to charge mine.

CLAY                         13 percent.

KELLY                       Let me charge mine a little then I’ll do yours.

CLAY                         But what if it dies while we’re out at the cemetery?

ANDY                        You don’t need to have your phone out at the cemetery – you won’t. And we’re already over our data for the month anyway.

CARTER                    No wonder nothing was loading on Youtube.

CLAY                         How long till we get to the cemetery?

KELLY                       (whilst texting, to Andy) Half an hour, right?

ANDY                        Closer to 45 minutes.

KELLY                       I remember when you were little and we’d be on long car trips, we’d always give the time to you based on Power Rangers episodes. So if it was two hours away wherever our destination was, it’d be (Sing-song) “Just four Power Rangers left till we get there! Hold on!”

Beat. Carter hits the button to lower his window a few inches.

ANDY                        Hey, put that back up.

CARTER                    Why? It’s hot.

ANDY                        Because it doesn’t look good. This is a funeral procession, it’s serious. Nobody wants to see one of the car’s windows rolled down.

CARTER                    Who’s nobody?

ANDY                        Nobody on the street watching.

CARTER                    But I’m hot.

ANDY                        Wait for the AC.

He hits the button, raising Carter’s window. Slight pause. Then Carter lowers the window again.

CARTER                    The air conditioning’s busted, it hasn’t worked since last summer –

Andy raises the window.

ANDY            What is your problem listening right now??

CARTER                    Because I don’t understand why you’re making such a big deal out of this!

KELLY                       (overlapping them) I think we’re all just a little oversensitive right now not to mention tired because we had to get up so early to drive over this morning, hmmm? so let’s try to keep that in mind and have just a bit more patience with other OK? – Andy? Carter? – I think we’re also probably hungry but that will have to wait obviously, though I might have a granola bar in my bag now that I’m thinking of it.

Carter grunts then goes silent. After a beat.

CLAY Mom can I charge my phone now?

Margaret looks up from her clipboard to the road.

MARGARET You’re not keeping up.

GLENN          Huh?

MARGARET             The police officer, don’t you see, he’s signaling you to go faster.

GLENN                      Oh shit. OK.

He speeds up.

MARGARET             But keep it under 35. Least till we’re on the highway.

GLENN                      Gotcha.

MARGARET             And don’t swear, Glenn.

She motions vaguely towards the rear of the hearse, meaning the casket.

GLENN                      Right. Yeah. Sorry.

Can I tell you? It’s still weird for me to drive through a red light.

ERIC   (to Jim) Weird to drive straight through a red light, isn’t it?

GLENN          Feel like I’m breaking the law.

MARGARET What the escort’s for.

MINDY                      All I know is I wish I had this on my morning commute every day.

JIM      How long’s it take you to get to work?

MINDY          An hour. 45 minutes on a good day.

JIM                              Jesus Christ – how do you people live over there on the west side of the state takes you forever to get anywhere?

ERIC                           Well, they’re putting in lightrail now so that should help alleviate some –

JIM                              Is that like a monorail thing?

ERIC                           A train. It goes both above and below ground.

JIM                              Yeah? And how much is that costing the taxpayer?

ERIC                           Well it was voted on, Dad. The county voted for it so – And traffic’s a real problem as Mindy was saying –

JIM                              You see, that’s why I could never live in a big city. Just too much, too crazy.

ERIC                           Well we like it.

JIM                              That’s good for you. I wouldn’t.

Another police siren blurt, like a warning. Kenzie watches out the window.

KENZIE                     Everybody’s staring at us. People on the sidewalk.

BETH                          Well, yeah.

KENZIE                     It’s weird. I don’t like it.

BETH                          Why don’t you close your eyes for a little while then sweetie, rest, you must be tired.

Pause

KENZIE                     I can’t. I’m worried about how the game’s going.

                                   (To Ry) I had a big softball tournament this weekend that I had to miss.

RY                              You told me.

KENZIE                     Oh.

                                   What do you think, Dad, do you think we’re up?

DOUG                        Depends. I forget, who did they have you guys pitted against in the first round?

KENZIE                     Kelso.

DOUG                        Oh you girls should walk away with it then; their offense just hasn’t been able to get it going so far this year.

KENZIE                     Who do you think started?

DOUG                        Sarah I’d imagine. I mean since you weren’t there, Coach probably had to go with Sarah –

KENZIE                     But that’s not really fair then. She shouldn’t get the win just because Kelso can’t hit and make her look good. Coach will get the wrong impression.

DOUG                        (to Ry) You might have missed it, Ry, but our Kenzie is in something of a competition with this Sarah girl.

KENZIE                     No I’m not. She sucks. I am so much better of a pitcher than her –

BETH                          Stop that, Kenzie. I will not have you talking negative about one of your own teammates.

KENZIE                     But she talks shit about me all the time! She told everyone I was in love with Derek Page when all I said is I didn’t care if he asked me to Homecoming or not!

BETH                          Well if she did that then she’s rude –

KENZIE                     She did do that. You don’t believe me??

BETH                          Of course we believe you. But you still don’t get to attack a person just because you both play the same position in a sport.

DOUG                        Plus if you think about it… (Starts to go into a coughing fit but wants to make his point.) If you think about it Mac, Coach needs all the solid starters he can get going into playoffs. I mean it’s not like…  not like she’s taking your glove away from you. Sorry.

He is coughing so hard he barely gets this last line out. Kenzie is on the verge of tears again.

Bailey is texting on her phone. Ellen watches her.

ELLEN                       (to Bailey) So, do you two have to rush off back home or can we get you stay a few more days with us? It’s always nice to have John for a visit.

JOHN                          No we gotta get back. Bailey has a meeting on Monday.

ELLEN                       (to Bailey) Oh I didn’t know you were working, dear.

BAILEY                     I’m not. John’s just trying to be nice and sugarcoat. It’s an N.A. thing. You know, Narcotics Anonymous?

Slight beat

ELLEN                       Ohhh…

                                   All right.

BAILEY                     Sorry, did I just freak you out?

ELLEN                       No. No, not at all –

BAILEY                     Because you look freaked out.

ELLEN                       No it’s just… surprising, dear, that’s all. I mean I never would have guessed it. You seem so together.

BAILEY                     Well I am, now.

ELLEN                       Right. Right.

                                   And how does John feel about all this?

JOHN                          If you want to know, ask him.

ELLEN                       Sorry, John.

John sniffs in a matter-of-fact way.

JOHN                          She had problem – now she doesn’t anymore. End of story.

                                   (To Bailey) Right, cupcake?

Bailey smiles at him sweetly, then goes back to her phone.

WADE            Ellie come on, it’s not your business.

ELLEN                       No I’m, I’m just asking questions. I mean it’s good news, right?

(To Bailey) In fact we’re just so glad you made it out the other side, dear. I’ve heard how those things can be, they can be truly awful, a real nightmare scenario, and you know some people never make it out. There was a story just the other night we saw on the news – do you remember, Wade? – where they busted, this special task force they took down this whole drug distribution ring – well you know how the gangs are around here, how bad it’s gotten – but they had video of just these kids they looked so young, younger than you even, like our grandkids age – who you look at them and it just breaks your heart because you know they were probably a good kid once upon a time – and now they’ve got into this drug stuff and they’re going to jail and their lives are just ruined. Well it’s inexplicable to me. You just thank your stars you were one of the lucky ones, dear, because I’ve seen some of the statistics. It’s a real epidemic around here now.

Slight pause

So how long have you been sober? Do they call it that, “sober”, when it’s drugs or do they call it something else? “Clean” right?

BAILEY         (overlapping) Sober’s fine – clean, yeah. Five months.

ELLEN           Just five months. Huh.

She does the math in her head

           So – sorry – at the family reunion last year you were, you…

WADE                        Oh would you give it a rest, Ellie. Stop brow-beating the poor girl.

ELLEN                       I’m not. Besides she said she was fine discussing it.

                                   (To Bailey) Didn’t you?

BAILEY                     No, umm actually. But yeah, I don’t mind. It’s like in the program they really stress the importance of honesty, you know, so I try to, like, live that philosophy in my every day.

ELLEN                       I could see where that’d be a rule, yes.

                                   Can I ask you what it was then? I mean was there one particular thing you gravitated towards or…?

WADE                        (Oh for Pete’s sake…)

BAILEY                     What was my poison?

Ellen points to her nose like in Charades, then points to Bailey for her to continue.

                                   Pills. Different painkillers mostly. Not that I haven’t done my fair share of other substances but I was never addicted to any of them. But with Oxycodone, Vicodin stuff like that I could just go and go, and it’s always more and more because you can’t stay at for instance six a day, because after awhile six stops doing anything, you don’t feel it anymore, so you increase to ten, then twelve, fourteen, on and just – God, I don’t even want to tell you how many I was up to when I was at my peak, you know my worst?

ELLEN                       Oh my.

BAILEY                     And it’s funny you mention the family reunion thing because I would guess you had no idea something was going on. Nothing up with Bailey, right?

ELLEN                       Mm.

BAILEY                     But that’s how it is. You get to a point where it’s all just maintaining. You don’t even get high anymore – or not as high, you still get a little. But really it’s just so you can get out of bed in the morning, eat food, go to the store, without feeling like shit – because otherwise you stop taking the pills you instantly start going into withdrawals. That’s why it pisses addicts off so much when people say, Well just stop doing it. “No I’m sorry, I don’t want to die.”

Ellen stares at her for a moment. Then she pats Bailey’s hand.

ELLEN                       Well you’ve certainly been through the ringer, haven’t you dear? Hasn’t she, Wade?

WADE                        Sounds like it.

ELLEN                       And we’re just so happy you’re all better now, even though we’re finding out about it after the fact.

Nita is struggling to open a bottle of water.    

NITA                          Pammy, do me a favor. I can’t get this.

PAMMY                     What?

NITA                          This water. There’s a little ring like a tab you have to pull and with my arthritis I can’t…

PAMMY                     Um yeah. OK uhhh. Take the wheel for a second then?

NITA                          You can’t just do it, I have to drive for you?

PAMMY                     Well I’m gonna need both hands, Mom.

NITA                          Oh jeez. Alright. But you know what my confidence is like behind the wheel. Your dad always did the driving for us, I mean if we were going anywhere far, not to the post office like, but –

PAMMY                     Just keep us going straight and you’ll be fine. It’s not that big of deal.

Nita takes the steering wheel apprehensively with one hand while Pammy opens the bottle of water. The job is trickier and takes longer than she thought but she eventually cracks it.

At which point the car swerves to the right.

Nita shrieks. Pammy quickly grabs hold of the wheel again, spilling water down the front of her dress.

Other characters see this happen in their mirrors and react:

WADE            Whoa! Did you see that??

ANDY            Nearly drove into the ditch.

BETH  Who is that? Is that Pammy back there?

KELLY                       Wait, what happened??

The whole thing is over very fast. After regaining control of the vehicle, Pammy turns on her mother.

PAMMY                     Are you fucking kidding me?? Mom you just almost ran us off the road! My dress…

NITA                          (overlapping) Oh God! Oh God I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Pammy; don’t swear, I just… my hand slipped for a second and –

PAMMY                     Soaked, completely.

NITA                          Not to worry, we’ll get you fixed up in no time. Here, I think there are some napkins leftover in the glovebox from when we stopped at Crispy Cream that time. I remember I was smart I saved them.

She uses napkins to pat down Pammy’s dress. After a few seconds of this, Pammy snaps at her.

PAMMY                     OK would you stop?? Seriously, leave it, please. I’m good, I’ll air-dry, whatever. Just – take your damn water back.

There’s a pause.

NITA                          Do you want me to turn on the heater? That might get you dry faster –

She is reaching for the dial.

PAMMY                     No, then it’ll just be hot.

                                   And it’s hot enough already.

Nita takes a long drink of water, casual again.

NITA                          Oh I know. Can you believe it’s almost June? Another couple weeks.

PAMMY                     (sighs) Yeah.

Andy is still glancing at his driver’s side mirror in concern.

KELLY                       So wait, what happened again?

ANDY                        Nothing. Looks like Pammy just lost control of the car for a second.

KELLY                       Well, why’d she do that? Are they alright?

ANDY                        How should I know? You can ask her when we get there.

Checks mirror again

                                   Looks like they’re fine now.

KELLY                       God I hope so.

CARTER                    Yeah it’d be nice to make it to the cemetery with only one dead body.

Silence. The only one who didn’t catch that was Clay, preoccupied with a game on his phone.

           That was a joke.

KELLY           A not funny one.

CARTER        I know, I’m sorry.

KELLY           What made you say that?

CARTER        I just thought of it.

KELLY           Well you should apologize to your father.

CARTER        I did, I said I was sorry.

KELLY           This is hard on all of us but him especially.

CARTER        I know.

CLAY Hold on, what did Carter do?

KELLY                       He needs our support right now. And Grandpa. And your Aunt Beth and your Uncle Eric.

ANDY            Oh like he even cares.

KELLY           What? Your brother?

ANDY                        No.

Motions to Carter in the backseat

                                   Him. His attitude has sucked all day. First he refused to get out of bed this morning –

CARTER                    Because I was tired –

ANDY                        Making us late, putting us behind –

CARTER                    Mom I told you I couldn’t get to sleep, I’ve been having problems –

ANDY                        Then when we stopped for breakfast nothing on the menu looks good to him, he’s Mister Choosy all of a sudden –

KELLY                       Andy, I don’t think that’s entirely –

ANDY                        Then just to double down on everything I guess, because why not while you’re at it, he starts an argument with me over a window!

CARTER                    You know you can talk to me Dad, I’m right here.

ANDY                        So I say let him. Let him if he wants to be a little shit. This can be a lesson. He can learn all about regret, and having regrets, and looking back on how he acted today of all days and realizing he can’t do anything about it, to change that. He only cared about himself.  

                                   And I wish Carter, I wish you could feel that sting now, that you didn’t have to wait ohhh ten twenty thirty years for it to hit you, to come around, to bite you in the ass. I just hope I live to see it.

CARTER                    That’s not what I’m doing.

ANDY                        Keep telling yourself that. See how far it gets you.

Beat. Then Carter punches the back of Andy’s seat. Andy flinches but makes no other reaction.

KELLY           Carter!!

CLAY Aagh!!

Glenn slows down to make the big turn onto the highway.

The police sirens go on for a good minute now as the rest of the procession merges onto the highway. The cars accelerate.

JIM      So I’m selling the house.

ERIC   What??

JIM                              Yeah, got a buyer all lined up. Young couple just had their first kid. They want to do some remodeling, think the kitchen, the bathrooms all could use an overhaul, bring everything up to date.

Off their looks

                                   Well you know your mother and I had been talking about it for years, it was no secret. That was always the plan. We were supposed to do it after I retired. It’s too big, too much property, upkeep, and now for one person, it doesn’t make sense. So we’re signing the contracts next week.

MINDY                      Just like that?

JIM                              You make it sound like it’s this involved process. The truth is I put the listing up on a Monday and by that Friday I had three offers on the table. Not that I didn’t have a few questions. Like I wasn’t sure what to value it at. I’d had a guy out to appraise it but the figure he came up with didn’t seem quite right to me. So I talked to your sister about it. She has a friend who’s a realtor, smart gal –

ERIC                           Beth knew?

JIM                              Now don’t go blaming her. I was the one told her to keep her mouth shut at least till we were further down the line, because I knew you’d object.

                                   Was I wrong?

ERIC                           Of course you weren’t wrong. But this is not just your decision to make.

JIM                              Yes it is.

Slight pause

                                   You both look at me like I’m crazy when this has always been the plan. Even when your mother was still alive, when she went into the hospital. You don’t think I wasn’t consulting her? That she wasn’t with me every step of the way on this?

                                   Now I won’t lie and say we agreed on the timeline. She wanted to wait till the grandkids were out of school, had graduated and moved on to college, and that was the plan until she got sick. Then we changed the plan. Because you know our savings are fine, I got more than enough to live on the next however many years, whatever route I end up taking I don’t know yet. So with the profits from the sale of the house, we just figured we’d split ‘em four ways, between the four kids. The four grandkids. Help em pay for college. Or help em just get going.

                                   That was your mother’s wish, Eric.  

ERIC                           And that’s great, Dad. But it could have waited a few more years, right, til everything’s more… settled. Why did it have to be now?

JIM                              Because. On top of everything, the money, I’m not really interested in the house anymore.

MINDY                      Sorry Jim, just to clarify: Are we just talking about maintenance and stuff, taking care of the lawn? Because we can totally hire someone, a landscaping team you know to come out if you’re feeling overwhelmed.

JIM                              Not feeling overwhelmed. Just done.

MINDY                      But the house. Back me up here, Eric. All the memories. Not that we were under any delusion you would hold onto it forever, but we all moved around so much to where that house was the one constant, like a second home. I know for Ry [it was]… I mean I can’t even count the number of sleepovers. And Christmases, Christmas Eve we always spend over – Easter…  

JIM                              I know. They’ll miss their grandma.

MINDY                      And you Jim.

Jim makes a small dismissive gesture or sound.

ERIC                           What?

JIM                              No, I just know. I know how it’s gonna be going forward, and I get it.

ERIC                           How what’s gonna be? Dad…

JIM                              Please Eric c’mon. We all know who the draw was. They weren’t coming for me.

ERIC                           You mean Mom.

Jim shrugs.

JIM                              Not that it was ever a popularity contest, and I was never bitter – but.

                                   I’m the grump. I’m the one that told them no. To stay out of my shed. Who smokes so it’s hard to spend much time around. Or who if they asked for money would tell them to go out and start pulling weeds. Whereas Sally would just… open her purse.

Nita begins to cry softly.

Let them eat ice cream sandwiches for lunch. Take them to the water park in the summer or the movies, anywhere they wanted to go. If it was in her power, if she had a nickel left in her pocket…

PAMMY                     Mom…

JIM                              And why shouldn’t she? Those kids don’t deserve it? Of course they do. And grandparents are supposed to spoil their grandkids anyway. That’s the rule at least. But it never came natural to me. Even something simple like a hug. If you notice me I always shake the boys’ hands – a good firm grip. And Kenzie being the only girl it’s one of those quick hip-hug side things. And I let her make the first move.

                                   You really think they’re gonna wanna keep coming around for that?

                                   They’ll miss their grandma. That’s the end of it.

There is a silence.

Glenn absentmindedly hits his turn signal.

MARGARET             What –

GLENN                      Sorry. Sorry. Accident.

He slaps the turn signal off again.

A pause.

Margaret looks over at Glenn, driving very carefully now.

Ry is staring out the window at the passing countryside. Beth glances at him in the rearview.

MARGARET             (removing her glasses) So how’s school going?

BETH                          So how’s school going, Ry?

RY                              What?

GLENN                      Oh. Not bad…

RY                              School? Yeah. Pretty good, I guess.

BETH                          Keeping you busy are they?

RY                              For the most part.

MARGARET             Because I never really see you doing homework that’s all.

Slight pause.

BETH                          Is there a lot of reading?

GLENN                      Uhp. Well –

RY                              Yeah, that’s primarily what the courcework uhh, consists of mainly.

MARGARET             I mean they must still give out homework, even at the community college level don’t they?

GLENN                      They do, they – yeah. It’s just a lot of it is online.    

BETH                          Well you should warn your cousin so she gets better in the habit.

                                   Did you hear that, Kenzie?

KENZIE                     Mom I read all the time. I just do it after you go to bed so you don’t know.

GLENN                      And the hours at the parlor with everything going on there’s never time between things so I have to catch up… catch up at night. You – you’re usually asleep by then.

MARGARET             Oh so that’s the reason. Convenient.

Before Glenn can say yes

MARGARET             But it doesn’t explain why you never tell me your grades either.

Slight pause

GLENN                      No.

MARGARET             So why’s that?

GLENN                      Well… because they’re not really where I want ‘em to be.

MARGARET             Are we talking C’s? D’s?

GLENN                      Some C’s –

MARGARET             But you’re not failing. (?)

Slight pause

GLENN                      No.

                                   No.

MARGARET             Good.

GLENN                      Yeah.

MARGARET             Because you know what I think. I thought you shoulda quit after getting your GED.

Slight beat

GLENN                      Yeah.

MARGARET             Not that I don’t get why that was important – it meant something, a status thing. But you have a job. A good job. You have a whole business one day if you can prove yourself capable of running it – take over for me.

GLENN                      Yeah. Thank you.

                                   But Dad, he wanted –

MARGARET             I know what your father wanted. We argued about it. He wanted you to continue with school, eventually even transfer to a four-year. And it was his money, so…

                                   But is that really realistic?

                                   I mean wouldn’t it be so much less of a hassle not having to worry?

No response. Putting her reading glasses back on

                                   Anyway, food for thought.

Margaret is business-like again. Glenn nodding vaguely

GLENN          (barely audible) Mm-hmm.

Doug has fallen asleep and snores because of his stuffy nose.

KENZIE                     I read. I read all the time.

BETH                          I know sweetie, I never meant to imply you didn’t.

KENZIE                     I just finished the whole Divergent series. And I read the Hunger Games and all the Harry Potters.

                                   I just don’t like doing the reading for school sometimes because of the books they make us read. They’re boring. Like Huckleberry Finn.

RY                              You didn’t like Huckleberry Finn?

KENZIE                     Everything’s about the stupid “river, the river”.

                                   And did you know that’s not even his real name? It’s a pen name.

It takes Ry a second to put that together.

RY                              Mark Twain.

KENZIE                     Yeah. It’s like a boat measurement they use, the depth of the water.

                                   Doesn’t make sense. Why would somebody go to all that work of writing a book then not put their real name on it? Wouldn’t they want people to know it’s them?

Nita sniffs. Stops crying.

NITA                          She was my sister.

PAMMY                     I know Mom, it’s ok.

Beat. Then Nita has a realization.

NITA                          Oh God Pammy, I just thought of it. Is it going to be so awful one day when I’m gone? Are you gonna hate me?

Pammy gives her a confused look.

                                   Because you don’t have any brothers or sisters. Not that we didn’t try, we wanted another but luck wasn’t…

                                   But once I’m gone you’ll be all alone and that kills me. It does.

PAMMY                     I don’t know. I never thought of it.

NITA                          At least Eric and Beth, and Andy, you know, they’ll have each other for support. When Jim passes. Knock on wood.

PAMMY                     Yeah that’s… it’s gotta be a comfort.

NITA                          More reason for you to find someone.

                                   And I don’t care. If it’s another woman, fine. Be a lesbian. Just don’t end up alone.

Long pause.

                                   So, do you… Are there any prospects? Anything on the horizon?

No response. Pammy doesn’t make eye contact.

John whistles quietly to himself, staring out the window. Bailey texting.

ELLEN                       She was a real class act wasn’t she?

                                   Wade?

Slight pause:

WADE                        Oh – you mean Sally. Yeah. Yeah she was.

ELLEN                       So dear. Loved those grandkids of hers to pieces. Spoiled em rotten.

                                   (To Bailey) Well it’s what we grandmas do best – what we’re known best for, isn’t it?

Bailey smiles.

                                   And – ohhhh. Remember the summers we’d spend up at Twin Lakes, the six of us? John, you and Celia’s cabin?

WADE                        (to John) Some of the best fishing of my life, buddy. Take the boat out on the lake and just troll. Rake in those rainbow trout.

JOHN                          Yep.

BAILEY                     Cabin? What cabin?

JOHN                          Oh I sold it years ago, cookie. Years.

BAILEY                     That’s too bad. Sounds fun.

ELLEN                       It was, it was. The boys would spend all day out on the lake, drinking, you know telling dirty jokes –

WADE                        Now Ellen you know that’s not true. We kept it mostly clean, Bailey –

ELLEN                       - telling their little jokes at any rate; while us girls, we’d spend it sunbathing, try and get a tan –

WADE                        Try to not burn is more like it.

ELLEN                       (ignoring him) While it away, gossiping. Not that we had anything much to gossip about. And if the mood struck us, whip up a batch of margaritas to cool off.

WADE                        Like you needed an excuse.

ELLEN                       (continuing) Mind you this is back before any of us had kids –

WADE                        Those girls were much worse than us if you want to know the truth. At least what we wasted our time on we were providing dinner.

ELLEN                       And who made that dinner?

Wade rolls his eyes.

                                   Anyway, I miss it, I really do those days. The craziest thing Wade and I do now is take the bus up to the casino every couple months with the rest of the old fogies. And I never found losing money too exciting, though he seems perfectly happy. (meaning Wade) And the buffet’s nice.

BAILEY                     Have you guys ever done Vegas?

ELLEN                       No. But we’ve been all around Reno, Lake Tahoe, that area. And Lincoln City on the Oregon coast?

Bailey indicates a familiarity whether she’s heard of Lincoln City or not.

In #4 the mood is still tense. Clay pauses the game on his phone. Looks up. He looks from family member to family member.

CLAY                         So what are we doing after?

KELLY                       After, sweetie?

CLAY                         After they bury her or whatever – Grandma.

KELLY                       Well she’s not being buried. She’s being interred.

CLAY                         What’s that?

KELLY                       Uhm. It’s when they put your body in a mausoleum.

She sees that Clay does not know what a mausoleum is.

                                   In a building on the cemetery grounds – but not in the ground.  

CLAY                         Oh. Weird.

KELLY                       It was her choice. Your grandpa will be interred there too when he passes. Right next to her. So you see it’s not that weird compared to a normal grave.

Clay thinks about that for a moment.

CLAY                         But Grandpa told me one time he wanted to be cremated.

KELLY                       What?

CLAY                         That’s where they burn you, right? And just your ashes left? Because that’s what he said he wanted.

KELLY                       When did he tell you this?

CLAY                         I don’t know. Sometime.

KELLY                       Well then he must have changed his mind or he was just joking, because he’s going to be interred with Grandma Sally – or next to at any rate.

                                   (To Andy) He hasn’t told you different has he?

ANDY                        No.

KELLY                       I didn’t think so.

Pause.

CLAY                         Hey Mom.

KELLY                       Yes what Clay?

CLAY                         I was just wondering, do you know what you and dad want to do?

Slight pause

KELLY                       You mean about…?

CLAY                         Yeah. Do you guys have like a will ready to go and stuff?

KELLY                       Well… no, not exactly…

CLAY                         Why? I mean why not?

KELLY                       Because… (glances at Andy) I guess, we haven’t crossed that bridge yet.

CLAY                         But are you leaning more towards getting cremated like  Grandpa –

KELLY                       For the last time your grandfather is not being cremated –

CLAY                         (overlapping) - or – sorry – or doing the above ground, moss-oleum thing?

CARTER                    (blasé) You could also be shot into space or buried at sea.

Beat. Clay looks at Carter.

CLAY                         Space?? Really??

CARTER                    Your ashes anyway.

Clay looks at his mother and father, now hyped.

CLAY                         OK that’s what I want.

Republicans can’t wait till Scalia is in the ground — to say “NO”

❝News of Justice Antonin Scalia’s death is just beginning to reverberate across the political world this evening, as the 79-year-old’s passing at a West Texas resort on Saturday was confirmed a short time ago… Doing away with any attempt to appear even remotely respectful and seizing upon the obvious political earthquake that is the passing of the Supreme Court’s most conservative justice in the…