#interallydeceased

He’d decided to take another year off before returning to school, not wanting to do too much all at once. 

He’d only just gotten the go ahead to go back to work, and he was happy about that. At least he could stay out of his head for a little while. 

Jamie worked as a stable hand at a local barn that offered equine therapy and beginner lessons to kids who wanted to learn how to ride. 

There had been a fair share of horses and other animals at Lallybroch, but the horses were always his favorite. Jamie loved to ride, even to just be around them. 

When he moved to Oxford he thought that he’d have to get a part-time job as an office clerk or something of the sort, but it was a stroke of luck that he’d found this place. 

After he’d gotten settled into his small apartment—at least somewhat—he drove around the city and even further into the rural outskirts. 

He had no destination and the smallest sense of direction, he just wanted to drive through the countryside and breathe in the fresh country air. 

It wasn’t Scotland, but it did remind him of home.

He’d taken a turn at some point, and as he drove further down the road he saw it. 

A rather nice looking barn with lush green pastures, and lots of horses grazing against the setting sun beyond the horizon. It all looked like some expensive painting that belonged in a museum. 

It put a smile on his face, and so he decided to check it out. 

Everything looked very high class and relatively new, Jamie figured it to be some prestigious stable full of snobby rich girls who thought they were better than everyone else because they could ride and do dressage. 

But as he made his way through the grounds, he was pleasantly surprised to see that wasn’t it at all. 

He came upon a small outdoor arena, just off of the main barn. He noticed the grey gelding first, head low and content, listening to the silent cues of the rider. 

The rider looked to be a child around the age of twelve, and the smile on the boy’s face reminded Jamie of the feeling of utter joy he felt when he first sat a horse.

He only noticed the older woman after she had spoken to the child, encouraging him and making sure he was comfortable. 

After a few minutes they concluded their lesson, and the boy’s father came from the other side of the arena to help the boy down off the horse.

Only then had Jamie noticed that the boy couldn’t walk, as his father carried the boy outside the arena to a wheelchair he hadn’t noticed before. 

He’d heard of equine therapy, but had never actually seen it. 

That place represented a new start for him; after so much loss and hardship back home, this was a turn for the better, and something Jamie sorely needed. 

He needed it even more now. 

***

Jenny decided to stay with her brother in his small apartment so he wouldn’t have to be alone. She figured it would only be for a few months at most, to help him get reacquainted with daily life, but Jamie was quiet and restless, and it became clear that she wouldn’t be leaving anytime soon. 

But today; today could be the first step that would finally give Jamie a path back to the brother she knew. 

***

Jenny drove him out to the barn a little before noon, glancing at her brother hoping to see a piece of the man she knew, the smallest hint of a smile, anything that she would recognize. But he just leaned against the passenger door with his head resting on the window, staring as the world outside passed them by. 

She pulled into the gravel driveway of the stable a few minutes later and shifted the car into park. Jenny took a deep breath and turned to Jamie. “Well, we’re here. Please call me if you need anything. Anything at all—I mean it, Jamie.” 

Jamie was already stepping outside the vehicle when she grabbed his hand, forcing him to look at her. 

“Hey... have a good day.” She gave him a small smile, and was grateful to see the slight nod and small smile he gave in return. 

***

Jamie shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket, retreating into it like a turtle in its shell. 

He stopped just in front of the white wooden sign, breathing in the crisp autumn air and tracing the familiar cursive letters with his hand: Equine Healing.

“James Fraser!” the older woman: a middle-aged mother of three and grandmother of nine named Ellen.

She had the same name as his mother, and this Ellen reminded him so much of her. 

She pulled him into a hug, being careful not to squeeze him too hard. “I’m so glad to see you! You had us all so worried! How are you doing?” 

“Hi Ellen,” He pulled away and shifted his eyes quickly to the ground before looking her in the eye. He thought about lying, telling her that everything was fine so that he didn’t have to talk about it; any of it. Then he realized that this was a safe place, and he needed to talk to someone. 

“To tell ye the truth, I’ve been better.” 

Ellen frowned and rubbed his shoulder. “I know. Come on.” She gestured toward the main barn and they walked there together. 

While he was still in the hospital Jamie was happier than he’d been in a long time, even with all the pain, IVs, and machines that seemed to become part of his body. 

When he’d left, that happiness quickly faded and he slipped into a place in his mind where he could be alone. 

It was only recently that he figured out why, though he should’ve known a lot sooner. 

Whose voice had he heard when he was dying? The one that, for some reason, made him want to live. The voice of a stranger that made him want to work towards getting better, when his family couldn’t? 

Who had been at his bedside every day since he’d woke up, that listened to him without pitying him? The one that he tried to put out of his mind ever since, because he didn’t want to admit it even to himself. 

Claire. 

He’d fallen in love.

***

He followed Ellen all the way to the end of the aisle, stopping outside the stall of a young grullo mare named Ember. 

Ember arrived shortly after Jamie had been hired, rescued from a life of abuse and neglect. She was thin when she came off the trailer, though not emaciated. She was afraid of everyone, desperately trying to flee. It took them almost an hour just to move her a few yards from the trailer to the small paddock. 

Once she was alone in her paddock, she paced the fence-line, snorting and rearing and throwing her head. Even though she had a tank full of water and a few flakes of hay that had been few and far between in her previous ‘home’, if you could call it that. 

She’d arrived in the morning and hadn’t calmed down until that evening, and the only reason was because she had exhausted herself trying to get out. 

She stayed relatively calm after that, but she wouldn’t let anyone near her, even if they were there to refill her water or give her grain. 

It took weeks for her to get acclimated, and even then it was only just.

She allowed people to feed her and clean the paddock, but if they tried to touch her she would kick out at whoever tried.

The first person she started to trust was Jamie.

He would sit outside her pen, talking to her in Gaelic. Each day he managed to get a little bit closer to her, it seemed that she liked the Gaelic, almost like she could understand what he was saying. 

And he’d sit there for hours on end in between chores. Finally, she let him touch her. She tensed at first, but Jamie whispered to her again in Gaelic and the muscles in her neck relaxed.

“See, you’re alright. No one will hurt ye anymore, I promise.”

The mare whickered and flared her nostrils in response. 

Ember came to realize that not all people were bad, and that some of the smaller ones had treats in their small hands. 

But Jamie would always be her favorite.

“Hey, girl. I’ve missed you.” He whispered in the ancient tongue of his homeland, scratching just under her forelock (her favorite).

Ellen smiled, and left the two to get reacquainted. 

Jamie had helped Ember, and now she would help him. Not out of any obligation or debt, but because of the simple and powerful bond that exists between man and animal. 

***

Jenny came to pick him up several hours later, and she was overjoyed to see the smile on his face and that he was talking to someone. 

He got into the car and closed his eyes and exhaled deeply.

“Good day?” Jenny chuckled, turning on the ignition and putting the vehicle in drive.

“Aye. A good day.” He said confidently, the smile still on his face. 

***

October 3rd, 1977

Going back to work was just what Jamie needed to get him out of his cramped apartment, and out of his head.

Jenny was getting on a plane back to Scotland today, leaving Jamie alone- really alone for the first time since before the accident.

She hoped she wasn’t making a mistake by leaving.

“I’ll be fine Janet. Ye can call me whenever, if it makes ye feel better.”

Jenny turned toward him and gently shoved him. “That means ye have to answer, dimwit.”

Jamie chuckled and pulled his sister into his arms, hugging her goodbye. “Goodbye Jenny, I’ll be alright. Say hello to everyone for me, yeah?” 

Jenny pulled away, tears welling in her eyes. She nodded, and forced a smile. “Are you sure you’ll be alright? Because I can stay for a few more days if ye need me to.”

“I’ll be fine, Jenny. Now go. Get back to yer husband and Wee Jamie, and give ‘em a hug from me.”

Jenny nodded and hugged him again, she hesitated for a moment, but finally turned and headed toward the terminal. 

Jamie closed his eyes and tilted his head back, breathing deeply, relieved in some small way.

Then there it was again, that voice. Just when he thought he was getting back to the man he was before.

“I told you, Frank. I can’t, it’s over. I have my life and you have yours, now please, just leave it be.”