Here’s me above trying to be positive about my body image on my instagram (@ellhoward) with the pump attached to me. I wanted to be somewhat of a positive influence for girls with diabetes and show that you can embrace your body while wearing an insulin pump. At the end of the day though you still need to feel good about using it. You also need to be able to see results too. You can definitely learn to love the pump, but I did not. I hated it. Why? Because it interfered with not just my life but with my already near perfect management. Something I wish I said to myself before going on an insulin pump is ‘why fix something that isn’t broken?’. I’m kicking myself for wasting time, effort and a shit load of money on something that didn’t improve my life.

In this post I’ve tried to explain the reasoning behind ditching the insulin pump. It was not just one thing that put me off - it was everything. I hated everything about it.

It did not make me happy.

I didn’t feel good with the pump on. It was more of an inconvenience than anything. It did not help me take my mind off the fact that I am a type 1 diabetic. Of course we have to always be aware but the machine right there on me was a constant reminder. I would look at it and feel sorry for myself. I didn’t like that feeling.

It did not make my blood sugar levels better.

I made myself wear it for nearly 2 months and watched my levels get worse than before. I was constantly playing around with the doses and the results were not improving. Apparently, going on the pump helps you reduce your insulin doses down but because I had already following a diet to help me take low doses I actually ended up needing more insulin than before.

It was not easier than manual injections.

Constantly having to input data, change doses, unclip, shower, reclip, change the infusion set, change the line, rewind, refill the cartridge blah blah and repeat all the time. I would rather just simply stab myself with a tiny needle than deal with all of that.

It was uncomfortable.

Having a tube and machine attached to me was so annoying. I work in the kitchen of a cafe and it was always getting in the way. On one occasion I was taking two orders out to a customers table and it unclipped and was just dangling by the tube from my stomach in front of them. It was embarrassing. I couldn’t wear tight clothing because you could see it. Not to mention sleeping. Try rolling to the other side over a plastic machine and getting the tubes tangled. The number of times I forgot about it and have stood up causing it to rip out from my skin. It was annoying!

It made me put on weight.

As I said earlier, I needed more insulin daily on the pump than I was taking with manual injections. So therefore because I was on more insulin I gained the weight to go with it.

It made me anxious.

I worked so hard these past 6 months to get amazing results and after going on the pump I was knowingly ruining them. I was paying hard earned money to do so too. It made me so on edge. I was upset all the time and in a terrible anxious mood which in turn was causing higher blood sugars too.

I did not feel good about myself.

Even though my boyfriend was really great about it - I still didn’t feel sexy with it on. I mean yeah you can unhook the actual tube and machine part from your body for up to 2 hours a day but you’re still left with the infusion site and 10cm of tube hanging off you. Having the Dexcom G5 attached to me was enough. Don’t get me wrong now, I’m not saying that it isn’t sexy having the tubing attached to you, I’m just saying that I personally did not feel sexy. It made me feel insecure about myself.

It cost me fortune.

I’m going to have a bit of a rant here. If I didn’t have health insurance this machine would have cost me so much more but thankfully it’s covered under basic Hospital. So I did have to be admitted to hospital overnight in order to claim the $10,000.00 machine cost. Which is so ridiculous! This machine is not worth $10k. Come on now it’s 2016 -  the technology should be way more advanced. For example take the Omnipod - have you seen this machine? I wish it was subsidised here in Australia but for some stupid reason it is not. Anyway I’m getting off track. I pay a higher monthly premium so that my excess is $250 instead of $500.

In order to go on the pump I needed a Diabetes Educator to authorise it. I was also seeing a new Endocrinologist whom I feel was intimidated by my great Hba1c results I had when I first started seeing him. So I feel like he only suggested going on the pump to be my next move because well, what else could he do for me? I had perfect management all by myself. A few consult fee’s with him and the diabetes educator cost nearly $1000 (some was rebated by Medicare but I was still out of pocket a substantial amount).

The biggest shock was receiving another $1000 bill from my Diabetes Educator for explaining how to use the pump for that 1 day in hospital. It didn’t even include the cost of the follow up appointment. I felt like the pump was just a sales pitch - that this educator didn’t assess my lifestyle or understand if it would benefit me or not. It was more like an easy $1k for her instead. Fair enough the pump is a wonderful solution for those that don’t have great management. If you need to reduce your total daily insulin dose then the pump is for you. If you have sporadic overnight blood sugars then it’s for you. If you don’t have a problem with having a machine and tube attached to you then yeah, it’s for you. But I didn’t have those needs and I did not like the idea of having it attached to me. I was told that I did need it though. I was told that it was my only next option to have even better management. I was even told that if I want to have a baby that I ‘have to be on a insulin pump’. Bullshit I say.

My blood sugar levels did not go under 12.0 for the first two weeks on the pump and the educator was vague on changing doses. Not to mention that the doses I was on were already higher than what I was on doing manual injections. It just didn’t feel right. My body was not responding. Before the pump I had consistent levels under 6.0. I’m still trying to get my levels down after removing the pump a couple weeks ago.