When you start thinking about yourself and your world differently you often feel alone. You might not be able to relate to your friends, family and surroundings as you did in the past. Traditionally, cultures accompanied these natural shifts with rites of passage ceremonies guided by wise elders and teachers. Modern societies, in general, have lost these valuable traditions. As a result, we often feel isolation and doubt as we approach a consciousness shifts.

I have been blessed to have personal teachers come in my life at the perfect time. I’ve also had great books synchronistically cross my path.  Books have provided guidance, encouragement and confirmations as I’ve deconstructed and rebuilt my world. Research and reading in general has given me tools to reinvent my life many times over. Here are a list of some books that have come into my life at pivotal moments and provided foundation for the paradigm shifts. (Click the links for more information.)

Life and Teachings of the Masters of the Far East by Baird T. Spalding Way of the Peaceful Warrior - Dan Millman No Disrespect - Sister Souljah Siddhartha - Herman Hesse Sacred Woman - Queen Afua Vegan -The New Ethics of Eating - Erick Marcus Women Who Run With Wolves - Clarissa Pinkola Midnight - Sister Souljah The Celestine Prophecy - James Redfield The Mysticism of Sound and Music - Hazrat Inayat Khan Unassisted Homebirth - Lynn M. Griesemer Herbal Healing for Women - Rosemary Gladstar Colon Health Handbook - Robert Gray Autobiorgraphy of Malcom X - Alex Hailey The Power of Now - Eckhart Tolle Healing Love Through the Tao - Mantak Chia SoulCraft - by Bill Plotkin Parable of the Sower - Octavia Butler Spiritual Midwifery- Ina May Glaskin

The first time I heard my son refer to another woman as mom, I was floored. I remembered when I was a girl and tested those waters with my father. I told him “I have two daddy’s now” after my mother married. At 8 years old, I knew my father wasn't having that. He was an exceptional person and parent.  He quickly let me know that I then, and would always, only have one dad.

So when I overheard my son talking to my ex-husband on the phone, and referring to a mom that wasn’t me, I was shocked. Flashes of childbirth, sicknesses, celebrations, the acts of love and the many sacrifices replayed in my mind. How disrespectful was it to call another woman mom? Was my ex-husband encouraging my son in order to be hurtful to me?

Just as soon as the storm had begun to stir in my mind and heart, the waters calmed. I thought about the relationship I had with my son. We have a beautiful bond. Never have I felt the slightest bit of disrespect, or resentment from him. He is kind and patient with others. His compassionate spirit is inclusive of friends, family and strangers. He is flexible, forgiving, and loving. These are the things I admired about my son.

Every discussion I planned to have with him about the incident seemed to center around my ego. So instead of addressing it like my dad did with me, I decided to say nothing.

My father transitioned when I was 9 years old. The woman he was in a relationship with at the time is like a second mother to me to this day. She has attended every major life event. She is the one I get to share my favorite memories of my Dad with. We knew him in a way that many people did not. A few years ago she sent me a gift box. It contained a book my father wrote, oils and incense he made. A framed photo of him and the newspaper clipping of the article that covered his death and the fire that caused it. I love this women and I am grateful that my mom has supported our relationship throughout the years.

Even after trust, respect and affinity is established, loving in a blended family can still be a challenge. Our egos struggle to accept that another person can play a role, similar to ours, in the lives of our children. But blocking the natural maturation of a relationship, either in actions or thoughts, sabotages the growth of your child. Who knows the lessons they are here to learn about love, family and life.

I have learned that being consistent and committed to growing as mother is enough. I’ve listened as much as I talked and guided along the way with a level of detachment. This gave my son the space to make sense of new family relationships in a way that was genuine and not colored by my perceptions and emotions.

As I have grown, so has my curiosity about the creative, wise, bold, and talented women living somewhere inside of me. She lives inside all women. She is like an internal favorite aunty, cousin, or best friend that encourages, protects and sometimes gets us into trouble. But it’s the good kind of trouble. The kind that takes us from a place of blind obedience to a place of discerning nonconformity. Growing to know her and emulate her spirit has become my driving force. It has become my source of happiness. So how does this journey to self-discovery survive in relationships?

In the beginning…

Don't give too much too fast - You have survived hard lessons and had to work to get to where you are. Yes, you still have a lot to learn, but don’t be so quick to give all you have grown to be away. This applies not only to intimacy, but also to your aspirations. Love is patient if it is real. If you feel you need to rush, take this as a good sign to take a step back and give more time to yourself. 

Additionally, allow your relationships to progress to what they are intended to be. Sometimes when we meet someone who tickles our fancy, the fantasy takes over. If things stop going according to your plans, you and the object of your affection may have different visions. Some relationships were never meant to progress to anything serious and binding. Friendships are often more valuable. Instead of forcing a cylinder peg into a square hole, trust the universal will and wait for a relationship where the interest and commitment is mutual.

As you grow together…

Keep a healthy level of detachment - All people are in the process of evolving. Therefore, no person can be your source of fulfillment. If you have allowed a person to become your source of happiness you are vulnerable. You are emotionally dependent and are easily thrown off by their highs and lows. What human has the capacity of the sun, the air, water and earth? What person is consistent and abundant enough to be labeled a source. A catalyst, or reminder of the happiness spark that you already possess, maybe, but never the source.

The same is true if you have become someones “sunshine” or their reason for living. While all that is flattering, is can quickly become stifling. Becoming someones source limits you to remaining an image of an ideal. What happens, when you want to change, travel, meet new people, or study new things. There will not doubt be conflict, because how can the sun decide that today it wants to be purple?

Keep growth your priority - For better or worse partners reflect each others strengths and weaknesses. Therefore, it is important to be in a relationship with someone who is actively reflecting on themselves AND making changes for improvement.  

Be friends - My husband and I agree that second to our spirituality, friendship is the greatest strength in our relationship. Often couples only hear each other with expecting ears. When you are also able to listen with the compassion of a mother/father, curiosity of a brother/sister, and the support of a best friend, you are reminded that you’re dealing with a dynamic individual. Appreciate your partner as a comrade on your journey, but remember that they also have a purpose beyond pleasing you.

Relationship with yourself...

Check yourself before checking someone else -  When we find ourselves in unpleasant situations we are often quick to identify all the wrong that the other person has done. Rarely, do we look at ourself first and say, “what did I do to create this reality?” and “what can I do differently in the future to change this scenario?”. The opportunity to work on ourselves is a gift of life. Therefore, prioritize your mental, spiritual, and physical health. Knowing what our challenges are is rarely the issue. The motivation to overcome those challenges usually is. However, if we maintain our fortitude we often discover that just beyond our blockages is a clear path to our purpose. Once on our path thoughts of inadequacy give way to goal setting. Jealousy transforms to inspiration, fear to courage, and doubt to sharpened intuition.

Fasting - When you need clarity, take a break from distractions. These may come in the form of people, food and drink, or media. Silence is a beautiful thing. It gives you an opportunity to hear your inner voices. Some voices are inspiring and creative, while others are menacing. Either way, knowing your inner gods and devils is empowering because it gives you the opportunity to take constructive action. Meditate more, pray, read, cry, journal and create art. Take lessons to develop yourself. The more you discover about yourself the more you become connected to your true source of happiness…you.

Kenda Rae is Inphinix...

So who is Inphinix? She is my superhero alter ego or inner goddess, if you will. She represents the higher aspect of myself that is firmly rooted in my intuition, wisdom, truth and courage to express. She resides in all women. Anyone on a purposeful path knows that life encompasses a series of deaths. Like the Phoenix we often find ourself reducing or beliefs, relationships, or situations to ashes in order to rebuild a more brilliant self from the stuff that remains. This evolution is a infinite process.

So on that note…

From the fire she rises again….