#innerparent

My biggest challenge will be to love myself like a parent would. My dad wasn't there for me as a child, or now tbh. He was there in the middle but wasn't much help. My mom, when she was alive she was working and getting no sleep. My grandma babysat us too. I never got the chance to be raised by my parents. And now that she has passed away and dad isn't much help, I'm trying to train myself to be my inner parent, Inner mom to be exact.

Like any self destructive thing I think about doing I try to go with the option that a parent would want me to do. Even if that's sometimes the tough love thing to do. So today I was debating going home (and pretending like I'll get things done) and going to the library to study for my midterm. My inner parent said library, and I followed.

My inner parent is also there to insure that if I do slack of and not sleep cause I was watching Jane The Virgin from like 7pm till 5am even though I have a midterm 2-3 days later with 5 weeks of readings I haven't done, My inner parent will convince me to not repeat it but not feel bad about it. Maybe I needed that time, the say before was pretty weird. Maybe if I messed up, so what? People mess up. People slack and take time off. I'm not a failure because of it and there's still time.

If it was me I would just go down a self-destructive path and procrastinate more and make myself believe I am shit and will drop out of college.

I'm still not a master at this inner parent thing yet (meaning I still go down self-destructive paths and convince myself I am trash) but I'm planning to be.

That's the kind of living myself I want to work on. The kind that holds me accountable but still cheers me up if/when I mess up. The kind that knows I am worthy if all my hopes in life, all my high standards for a life partner, all the success I can get by working towards it.

That self love, not the accept everything I am flawless love. Not the give me a break I'm a princess love.