#inkinthebottle

We all had that one dream - which we couldn’t stop ourselves from dreaming to life a life within it. That could be having a million-worth house, owning a lamborghini or a ferrari - or could be living a life doing the stuff you were passionate about? Yeah, it was the real world - things what made us happy would be the things we need the least because priorities came first ( as always ) and hobbies were just a past time.

I loved writing, dressing up and taking photos with a caption of quotes I made myself - but I had to stop it as I needed to survive the real life after moving out from my father’s side four years ago. Since then - writing was always been my escape from reality - whether mom liked it or not. I needed to breathe out sometimes - and freed myself from the suffocating reality of a broken family.

As times went on - I was growing up with this certain confusion of what I really wanted to be - being an artist with her own crafts - or to be someone who needed to earn on money to continue what she wanted to do on the first place.

I was hired for a fulltime job - but there was my other half - longing the tings which made me happy - completed me as a whole. The more I ignored it - the louder their voices inside my head. I wanted to be on that world - but priorities were calling me back like - “Hey, vacation was over.’ When I knew what I want - I couldn’t do it as I got no support from anyone - and this anxious side of me was shouting like I was a deaf person.

17. You could be there for them but they may not be for you. You put them first in your priority list but they may not be. Yeah, it is unfair, so please be wise.

18. Life is like an ecosystem - please be the predator rather than the prey. But never lose your heart and brain, and never let the ecosystem eat you.

19. Never let your emotion dictate who you gonna be. It’s brain over brainsteam, biatch.

20. Money is needed to survive, but it is not  everthing. Don’t be greedy from what you can get, and be contented on what you have. Changing your lifestyle will not define you.

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As I turned 24 last week - I felt mixed emotions, honestly. I was excited to take my personal off from work for four days and be with my mother’s side family, but confused if I would feel sad or sorry - for I didn’t have anyone to celebrate it with. I loved taking photos and it really made me anxious to look happy for a while and depressed myself again for being alone.

As the day went on - I every year added had an additional learning for me, that I would be believing for lifetime.

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My self-confidence, knowing that I will be the only beautiful girl on your eyes. A kind of confidence which never requires me to wear any makeup to get a perfect picture of us together.

My inner peace, knowing that you can be faithful even I am not around, and will stay loyal when we are together. The calmness of the night which assures me that the next day after today - your feelings will never change as you promise me an eternity together.

My innocence behind those what-ifs. Innocence of my love that I can still trust you behind of those arguments and excuses which keep on bothering me that I can't discuss anymore with you because of the growing bush of hatred and hostile, seperating us together.

Courage and pride to stand alone without relying to you or to anyone as prey me with those sweet words that it is alright to be weak, because you got my back. My back which you just let go - and watch my pieces scattered away after breaking me.

This kind and understanding heart to be rationalize that not everyone will be like you, or not everything will end like this. How can I be that pure - when you proved to me why I shall avoid attachments.

Being contented from what I have and who I am. Choosing other girls over me when we supposed to save this dying relationship of ours made me realize how incompetent I am for myself is never been enough to make you stay. What I am supposed to do, or what change, how many changes or do I even need to change for you to realize my worth?

Self-respect and self-love which as I continue the fight from every cold wars we had, I am torn between choosing you or loving myself. I have to make a decision from who to save from these drowning waves of despair everytime we argue on even tiniest thing. Shall I save you even though you will not save me? Or myself in order to save you? When I actually choose to save you, who will save me?

I was feelin’ down tonight, like the other nights I used to wrestle with these thoughts and feelings of mine - and they were undeniably getting stronger. I could feel a sudden pain on the left side of my heart, giving me short breaths - but I was fine. I wanted to unwind - to see the street lights and be embraced by the warmth of the bitter cold night breeze, but my body was too tired to move - and going out, didn’t feel as exciting as it used to be when I go out with you. I chatted  few friends - but I didn’t feel like talking because they were not really interested, and I didn’t have any topic to bring up to keep the conversation going. And this was sad - these thoughts were scary, and I tired to shoo them away with the people I used to think would be there always - but these thoughts gave me a company -  as they all go away.

The next thing I knew - I was crying, crying heavily. I felt the pressure inside - that I was worried over something which I really couldn’t tell what was it. I was getting scared from something I couldn’t figure out. These thoughts were like bees buzzing round and round - like I was the most beautiful flower even there was no garden around me. These bees kept from showing me these memories which I didn’t want to see anymore, and those words said kept  echoing around like a broken tape. One, two, three - big sighs as I clutched my heart inside. I tried to stop thinking of it, but the more I stopped them the more they bugged me. So I went to the counter to get myself some food. I started to feel dumb and not to feel anything aside from the heavy pounds of my heart like a foot of a child throwing a tantrums. So I ate a lot - because everytime I munched it calms me down to the veins - not until I finished it and my mind goes running and running again. 

Running from memories to memories - I laughed to myself - as I was making fun of me. Same phrases, synonimous words were used to replace other word - same words, same thoughts, same feelings, same promises - different people but same pain, same ending. Different people - but same pain and same ending... And here was the voice inside - how come you didn’t see that? Was my existence a joke that they wanted to keep repeating the same cycle over and over?

I'm a product of failure, disappointment, betrayal, lies, sorrow, grief, despair, regret and pain. Been taken for granted many times, and used just as a past time, in every relationship I used to be in. And to be honest, I feel cheaper and cheaper after a broken relationship.

 If you still feel I'm worth keeping for - please understand where my anxieties, doubts, and traumas are coming from. 

These are not because I don't trust, love or believe in you - these things are just few of the things that I can't help myself being worried about. The more I annoyed, bother you - the more I need assurance. The more needy I am - the more approval I am seeking for. 

 I'm tired of believing what my eyes can see, and my heart been fooled - and paralyzed - after of countless aches inside. Paranoia haunts me as I rest on your arms as the thoughts of the same phrases, same promises and same excuses tired me. I used to buy in those countless sorries and "I can't make it better" but none of those words stayed long. Hearing "You are mine." , " I'm yours." , doesn't warmth me but rather saddeneds me as those phrases are said before they left me hanging in the air. 

I have fallen on the pit of our story publicize - as it confuses me why it has to end this way when you are so proud to have me. Why it has to end with shallow reasons when the whole world has its greatest lie on every truth. And I swear - this will not be marketable next time. I wanted to say sorry in advance - as my expectations and standards are like my own-built-wall - it goes higher and higher on every bent relationships I had. I'm sorry, so sorry that you suffer from a dose of someone's medicine. 

I'm sorry if these things may hurt you, and I can't promises that this won't hurt all the way - but please stay. The longer you stay, the more attached I get. The more attached I get, the more monster I become inside. I'm a masterpiece in progress, and I need your patience and understanding that commitment and security are not something that can be displayed by merely actions alone, but it takes time and assurance on everything. I might be somebody's trash right now, and it may take time to fix every tiny pieces of myself, but with patience, time and understanding - I worth your time, effort and love. This is too much to ask, but I am worth it. With an intention to stay til the time runs out - I'll make it up to you. I'll return every pieces you give me, as it makes myself - as my given pieces to you makes up the pieces you lost for me. We'll make it working for us.