#infodumpingrhys

so, despite becoming aware of my neurodivergency, and what it is, and how it all works, quite a bit ago, i have JUST realized that i need to reprogram how i think to myself.

i need to work with my AuDHD brain by letting myself infodump and letting myself interact with my special interests so i’m not always so burnt out, telling myself the instant benefits/rewards of activities/chores so that my ADHD actually is able to be motivated to do it and is able to do it, letting myself stim however i wish to WHENEVER i wish to, and more.

and i’ve just realized that, like, yesterday, i think, if i’m remembering right (all days blur together, man, idfk), and since then i’ve been actively working on it, and i can already see a difference.

and i’ve also been trying to do one thing that i enjoy each day since yesterday, that’s my goal, because i ALWAYS end up doomscrolling a lot and that makes me miserable tbh, but i’ve just started to do those things. and guess what? yesterday, i painted a portrait of my boyfriend, colored, made a couple of lists, and cried (happy) and stimmed over how excited i was to see my boyfriend in a week. i haven’t been able to do those things in a long ass time, just because of my doomscrolling and how much that disconnects me from me. so, i feel really great about that and i know that doing something i love each and every day like that, it’ll help with my creativity that i have absolutely forgotten about and lost access to. and just it’ll help with my understimulation as well, and JUST SO MUCH. /pos

and also, i’ve made pre-prepared snacks for myself, so i can eat more often and eat food that i actually like and can healthily binge! i can get enough nutrients in this way, and i’ve already noticed a difference with that too.

so, yay for me. i am excited to let myself be me finally. i’m excited i’ve realized these things and can start working with how my brain works.

annnnd, i had a specific thing i wanted to say for this post, and i can’t remember what it was…

oh, yeah, right! so, one of the new ways i need to start thinking is talking to myself in my head like i would talk to others. honestly, i feel like that’s obvious, but yeah. and i’m gonna start doing that some more too every time i catch myself not.

i don’t have BPD, i know that for sure, but i’ve showed a lot of the symptoms/signs of it before.

when i was with my (traumatizing) ex, i was so for sure that i had BPD, because of just how many signs/symptoms i showed during that time (and back then, i didn’t have as much knowledge as i do now, so i didn’t realize it was due to my ex being so traumatizing). literally every experience of a person with BPD, i could relate to it. even now, when i look back at those times, and when i see things about BPD, i know i once did relate and i can feel it in my soul.

i remember how extreme i was. how attached i was. how overwhelming everything felt. how much every day was a struggle against my mind and others. and more. and it was the worst time of my life and it went on for so long, too.

so i feel for those with BPD, because that’s their daily life for them. that’s how they are 24/7, and yes, sometimes they can “get better” and go into remission, but that’s not guaranteed. that’s not for everyone.

and i know a little bit just how overwhelming, saddening, and painful that can be.