#inevitableletters

only she would give me a present like this lol. that's why she's the shiz. she cracks me up :)

how do i even start to explain how my thanksgiving went?...it was amazeballs fa sho...made me feel so happy...so lucky...so blessed :) she actually came to a show!!!...so it wasn't santa cruz (ms. CL galore) lol...she came to the bay!!!...and hands down made it my favorite show to play... the best part was being able to spend time with her...we got to chill together...just me and her...we had our freedom to be "us"...it was thee best feeling in the world... we spent most of our time together in her hotel room (408 wha whaaa!!) and absolutely did nothing lol...we just wanted to enjoy each others company...for us, it doesn't matter what we're doing, just as long as we get to be next to each other we're content... in those 2 days...she was all mine and i was all hers...we held hands (publicly) cuddled, kissed, touched, and felt each other as much as we could...i loved being able to lay with her and hold her in my arms...it felt so good and so right...it felt like it was meant to be... i will forever adore and cherish the moments we created in those 2 days...i wish i coulda made it last forever... then came the sad part when we had to say goodbye...the sad realization that we won't have what had ever again has hit me so hard... here is where life feels like it isn't fair...being with her has made me realize just how much i really care for her...that everything i feel for her is real...she makes me so happy...when i'm with her, i feel like i don't need anything else...but life keeps telling me that she can't be mine... i've fallen so hard for her...completely and absolutely head over heels for her...i can't see me living my life without her... but at this moment...we can't be together...there is an obstacle that makes it feel impossible to get thru without hurting other people... now it's a matter of seeing where life will take us...time will tell of what's to come...i still will daydream and fantasize of "one day"...i just wish that i could make it a reality... whatever happens...i know that i will never forget her and what we had...how could i, she's my true soul mate...i will forever miss her, forever care for her, and forever adore her...she will always have a big portion of my heart... i miss her so much already...my heart hurts...saying goodbye to her is the hardest thing for me to do :'''(

2maro may or may not be a big day...there's a possibility that she'll be at my show!!!... i know i shouldn't get my hopes up just in case she doesn't come...but i can't help but feel excited at the thought that i might see her... i'm getting butterflies just from thinking how it will feel being next to her again...i'm not sure if i'll know how to act lol...i'm actually a little nervous haha... i'm seriously smiling as i type this...just from thoughts of seeing her, touching her, hugging her, kissing her, etc her...lol... so i'm waiting for tomorrow...wanting it to come already...hoping that she'll be apart of my day :)

she makes me smile with the things that she says... looking back and re reading tweets and texts from the last time we talked...i can't help but smile like a fool when i read them... she's hella sweet and she says things to me that i would never hear on the regular...i'm lucky to have her in my life...she truly appreciates me for who i am...i don't need to prove anything to her and i can always be myself...that's just one of the many reasons why i adore her so much... got 3 more days til i'm able to speak to her again...i seriously can't wait...being able to talk to her makes my heart smile...my day just brightens up when i'm able to talk to her 😁 waiting patiently dance lol

she hasn't been to one of my shows for a while...i miss seeing her there...right side of stage :) there is a slight possibility that she might come to a show soon...but because of certain circumstances it seems far fetched... but i would love to see her...no matter if it was for a short while...i would appreciate and adore every second of being next to her... i haven't seen her in 6 weeks...but it seems like it's been forever...there's nothing i wouldn't do to see her face, feel her touch, hold her hand, kiss her, hold her, and just have her close to me... being with her feels so right...it feels so good to be close to her, to hold her in my arms, to feel her hard resting on my fat shoulders lol...on the real, i've never felt so comfortable with somebody...custom fit fa sho... i really don't know what the future holds...but i do know that seeing her one day would make me so happy...i'm cheezin right now just at the thought of seeing her again :) :)

i will tell you first hand...it's hard to let go of something that means so much to you...no matter how hard we've both tried to let go...we keep finding our way back to each other...it's inevitable... but still, we must work our way into actually saying goodbye...but not just yet...we've decided to take things slow and move at our own pace... back to the dwindling...even if we haven't really been following the dwindling rules lol... it's nice having her back in my life...every second is cherished and adored to the fullest... i really wish i could see her...i just wanna be next to her...it's thee greatest feeling in the world (i stole that line from her, but i feel the exact same way lol)... now i'm just waiting for the next 5 days to pass quickly so i can talk to her again :)

this morning i really thought i had it all figured out...i was ready to say goodbye...ready to leave her alone... then we got to talk and it turned my world upside down all over again...i almost forgot what it was like to talk to her and laugh with her about random things...it was especially so nice to hear her voice... but all of these things made it difficult to say goodbye again...i didn't want to say goodbye anymore... but what has been said has been said and i can't just take it back... plus we've been down this road for a long time...if we both don't learn to say bye, we never will... it's a hard decision...it's what i want to do vs. what i should do...

it's been a sad and confusing past couple of days... something terribly wrong has happened but i don't know what it is... one day she tweeted that she felt sick to her stomach...saying that she felt the "highest ultimate level of guilt and regret"...saying she refuses to be apart of this... i don't know what could have happened that would cause her to say those things... she shut me out...terminated our email acct...deleted her twitter...i know it's a serious thing when this happens... i texted her the whole day and tried calling over and over again...i never got an answer or explanation to why she was shutting me out... i couldn't sleep at all last nite...wide awake balls eyes...wondering what's going on...worried... she finally texted me early this morning...but it was accident because she was drunk...but i didn't care...i was just happy to hear from her... she let me call and i talked to her until she fell asleep...she said she would never talk to me again, but she still didn't explain what happened because she didn't wanna talk about it...i respect her so i didn't try to force it out of her... then...she fell asleep...she sounded so cute sleeping...i miss her so much that I stayed on the phone and listened to her sleep for another 4 minutes...it was so peaceful :) i miss her...i don't know what happened, but i hope that she'll talk to me *crossing fingers*