#ineedafriend

It's been a while since I felt this low (and alone)... I'm wondering if anyone will even read this, to be honest... But let me take a shot at trying to find a friend online.

I'm in my junior year of college. I room on-campus and this year, I thought I struck gold: I am rooming with a friend of mine, and a friend of hers. At first we all seemed to get along. There's nothing that really seems biased or wrong in this relationship, until today.

I am the sole minority in my room. Usually, this isn't an issue for me. I fly under the radar, keep my head down and go with the general flow. I like it this way, keeps me from getting profiled (I thought).

I don't have classes until later than my roommates, and usual I stay in my room, out of sight and out of range. I'm anti-social like that, something I covered with them in the first semester. I am not a socially adventurous person. Except, my problems keep cropping up everywhere this semester.

I don't know if I'm exaggerating because I'm paranoid, or there really is something (some cosmic social queue I am missing) but I need to tell someone and no one is willing to listen.

Its expected that you split costs living together. Take turns shopping for shared necessities and all that. I don't mind. My closest roommate (let’s call her Abby) recently picked up a jumbo pack of one such item and gave me a note about it (as it was my turn to get the next round). She told me to pay her back whenever. I told her I would. That should be the end of it, right?

Wrong! Abby and I share a bathroom and a wall. I don't mind paying her back for getting the item. But other roommate, the one I am "friends" with (call her Sara), the one I thought it would be cool to room with, suddenly decided to "remind" me that I haven't paid Abby back. At first, I thought it was just a friendly reminder. But then I thought about it some more and I was pissed and hurt. 

I don’t talk about a lot of things with them, but I made it clear I’m not an “open” or “candid” person. Why does Sara have to remind me about repaying Abby? And why does she suddenly have an input in this matter? I was a little confrontational the past week- I made it clear that there was a mood I was in- and she’s already been nosy in the past- something we’ve butt heads about last semester. 

And just when I was simmering down from that, Abby blasts me with a list of complaints about our shared space. I cannot handle this right now. 

And if we’re adding insult to injury: they like to talk about how unresponsive and closed off I am in the room like its a joke. They’ve done it in front of me, in front of company, and even in front of the new roommate we got this year. I am anti-scoial because of things like this, but woe be it them to take into consideration my feelings, I’m just SENSITIVE, or EMOTIONAL, or being FUCKING DRAMATIC!!!!

Look, to be blunt: They are white girls used to having the world listen to them groan and moan; I am a Black child of middle class origins who has been trying to skirt away from being a stereotype for 21 goddamn years! I don’t make many complaints, I don’t voice my opinions often, but I am still a GODDAMN HUMAN BEING!!! 

I have faults, I have my wrongdoings, I have my moments where I know I am unbearable, but the fact that every time I mess up, they suddenly crowd around to harp on it is fucking insane. 

I need a friend.

I have a best friend - someone who I want to spend all my days with. someone I can laugh with. someone I can learn with, and grow from.

But I still need a friend.