#independce

Written August 8, 2015

Today is the day that I officially become apart of the alumni of Texas A&M University Corpus Christi Graduate School! As many of you know, my master’s degree is in Special Education. However, I chose not to roll across the stage this morning as I have just worked my first 40-hour workweek! Needless to say, I am exhausted. But the good kind of exhausted? The kind of exhausted where I can kick back and relax on this Saturday and be proud of all I accomplished this week. I have earned that degree whether or not I was there to publicly accept it, and that’s all that matters!

Since it was my first week at work I am still filling out all of the necessary paperwork. One of the questions I was asked really resonated with me so I thought it was appropriate to share:

“How do you define Independence?”

Now, keep in mind that I work at a Center for Independent Living. The mission of the center is just that, to help individuals be as independent as possible and help them maximize their potential.

I sat there reading the question and thought of all of the infinite ways the word/meaning of independence can be defined. My definition of independence is:

“Independence is feeling that rush of excitement when you have accomplished even the smallest task you have never accomplished by yourself before or never even thought you could accomplish.”

Like seriously though.

Gentry is dead.

I have met men of different races from different backgrounds who have mistook my independence as a gateway for them to be dependent on me.

Dependent financially. Dependent sexually. Dependent lovingly.

All of these investments with no stock returns?

The most recent even tried to convert me into practicing Islam knowing in full fact that I detest religion and practice spirituality.

But none questioned, what are your dreams? Hopes, Aspirations?

All did expect - to stick something into my full and wet self but, no more.

I notice that I tend to lose myself in unworthy obsessions that, at the time, seem like everything, but are really just another way for me to escape the realities of my life. 

For example, I become obsessed with a boyfriend or food or something that doesn't really contribute to my life in any way, besides bringing me a shortcoming of pleasures that don't seem to last long because I either fuck it up or they get bored of me. 

Why do so many girls do this? Why do so many girls get caught up in their relationships? They completely lose themselves and that's what I feel is slowly happening to me. I feel like I'm losing myself everyday to petty obsessions that stop me from being the most creative person I can be.

I don't know if it's my ADD or what, but my brain can only put focus on one task at a time. I started realizing this morning, as I ate my French toast, that I'm putting all my time and emotion into one person; I did the same thing with my ex. I got so obsessed and I see all of these posts on Tumblr about these girls that get so lost in these heartbreaks. 

Yeah, heartbreak fucking sucks. Trust me, I've gone through multiple, but they've made me stronger. There's a quote from the movie "Her" in which the main character (I forgot his name) says that he's scared that he's felt everything he's every going to feel and that nothing will every be the same, or something, and it's totally true. Nothing is ever as stimulating for me anymore when it comes to relationships. This is horrible to say, but I haven't felt anything particularly new in the last year, even with my ex or current boyfriend.

My married friend and I were discussing yesterday our first loves. She told me that sometimes she still thinks of her first love and the sexual passion they had and how it was emotionally overwhelming. We concluded that we both have experienced the same thing. The first love is always the most stimulating and memorable because it was the FIRST time someone put their hands on you and the sexual awakenings of your life soon begin. 

The feelings I had for the boy that first touched me haunted me for almost two years. I couldn't do anything without thinking about him. Food reminded me of him, places in my city had his name and his face all over them for me. I never have felt that way since, unfortunately. 

But I continuously get caught up with men because the deep lust within me and then the need to have someone love me. But I was never this kind of person and I don't know why I am now. I've lost a huge chunk of myself over the last two years and I'm determined to get it back.

I WILL get it back. I'm gonna change my life and start feeling better. I'm going to become successful somehow. I don't want to give up my life for other people; I was born to be an independent woman and I will be one.